Clickbait. A fat juicy worm on a hook in a sea of hungry Consumerfish. We've all played the victim at some point...
"Oh well I absolutely HAVE to know Why A Man Was Forced To Retire Due To His Upside-Down Nostrils!!! " "What's this? 33 Mole Rats That Look Like Hitler *CLICK*" What if some of our favorite sci-fi movies had clickbait right there smack in the middle of their movie posters?! (Really more like 'Lookbait' since you wouldn't be clicking anything). Would you take the bait? Or would it be a mega turn-off? If I was a hot shot sci-fi movie marketer, here's how I would try to catch me some dinnahhh. **Potential semi-spoiler-ish alert, kinda-not-really just covering my own ass all of these movies have been out for YEARS**
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We all have Facebook photos that make us step back and mumble things like "What in the actual shit was I doing?" or "Why have I not deleted this yet?". Now before any of you photo creepers dig too far into my albums, please give me a chance to explain.
As you’ll soon come to find out, pictures of me with long slender plastic tubes in my mouth are more common than I’d like to admit.
I was in a band for a while, and this screengrab is from a video we shot… an acoustic cover of one of our original songs. That white tube belongs to an instrument called a melodica. If an accordion, a synthesizer, and some bagpipes had a weird three-way bone sesh, the melodica would be their lovechild. It’s essentially a lung-powered keyboard. This melodica in particular was hilarious because some of the keys stuck together with a mixture of dried saliva and peanut butter from my sandwich. When I went to press one key, two or three others might have been automatically pressed at the same time… resulting in a sound similar to 5 clowns weeping after the scene in The Neverending Story when Artax the horse dies (32-year-old spoiler alert). I’ll post the video of this incident below. It’s actually pretty funny and worth a watch.
OH MY GAWD IS THAT RANDY RHOADS?!?!
Nope, just me. For a solid two years I had long hair. Like Jesus length. This photo is about 10-15 minutes after I was attacked by 4 girls and a hair straightener. Now I don’t play guitar at all, but I’m not one to pass up a good photo opportunity. In the event that I ever actually fulfill my dream of being the lead guitarist in a 80s hair metal cover band I’ll have something to fall back on. That T ride home was awesome. I wore a bandana and I felt like I should have been at Woodstock or something. Why on earth is my friend holding a stick with a paper cutout of another one of my friends on it? No idea.
Awww, who’s my naughty little yellow brick princess?
No, that’s not my real hair this time. Just me in a dress. I was Dorothy for Halloween two years ago. Just swap the ruby-red slippers for some low-cut Chucks. A lot of trick-or-treaters actually thought I was a girl at first, but the hairy legs kind of threw them off when they got up close. “Man, that chick probably deadlifts 225 FOR REPS!!!” Horrifying? Yes. Uncomfortable? Very. But I’ll be dammed if that didn’t get me double digit Instagram likes.
There goes Vic showing his sweet butt off to a large group of people again.
I don’t know if you all know this… despite being very white, you’re boy got some moves. This glorious moment in time occurred during the groomsman/bridesmaid introductions at a friend’s wedding. A PRIME opportunity to show off my b-boy skillz. Two of the bridesmaids went to the edge of the dance floor and held up my jacket, kind of like a matador during a bull fight. I charged full speed right through that sucker and immediately busted into a full-on Booker T spinaroonie. This photo was taken right as I hit my finishing pose. Looking at the faces of people in the crowd makes me smile every time. Girl on the left went full N'Sync puppet. CAN YOU DIG IT SUCKKKAAAAAAAA?!?!
At first glance you may think “Oh this is just some typical college bro playing Edward 40-Hands. Nothing to see here, move along, move along.” Welllllllll, kinda sorta.
I didn’t start legit drinking until I turned 21 in 2007. This picture is from freshman year of college in 2005. Hmmmm, so what were you drinking if it wasn’t beer?!? Answer: ROOT beer. To this day I argue that Edward 40-Hands with root beer is way worse than malt liquor. You get sick of root beer after about 5 sips. I did not stop involuntarily shaking for the next 24 hours. I must have looked like a crack-less crackhead who happened to waltz into biology lab. Also a great way to develop diabetes in a pinch. Almost as bad as that time I chugged a bottle of maple syrup. Almost.
Yo whattup kehd bro guy?! Bro do you even lift bro?!
Do my friends and I typically wear sunglasses at night, two polo shirts with both collars popped and kiss our biceps? No… well sometimes the biceps thing… but mostly no. Don’t really remember what inspired this but we all got together one night to go ‘bro-ing’. We just did the typical stuff we would normally do except we dressed like complete Jersey shore bro dudes, complete with terrible accents and obnoxious amounts of cologne. It was a one and done type deal. I’m just afraid that if Facebook crashed and only one picture survived, this would be the one that made it. GOING TO D’JAIS IN MY CAR!
I wasn’t lying about the pictures of me with long plastic tubes in my mouth.
Remember when vuvuzelas were the hotness? Thousands of soccer fans blowing them all at once, making it sound like a planet-sized swarm of bees buzzing around. Well here’s me blowing one directly into another man’s crotch. Really no defending myself here, caught red-handed… or blue-handed. Suffice it to say a few pre-game margaritas were involved. And fair warning, if you bring a plastic tube that makes a funny noise around me, I WILL put my mouth on it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the place where everyone is a critic and NO ONE is safe from a good old-fashioned textual lashing. If you don't know what Yelp is I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and most of them have already been addressed by Joe Average on Yelp. Let's go to the tape... Econo Lodge (a cheap motel) - Malden, MA Malden isn't that bad... granted you'd never find me at the Oak Grove T-stop past 9:00pm without a loaded shotgun, Kevlar, and some short-fuse dynamite. Been in plenty of motels with paper thin walls. I'm pretty sure I've heard couples re-enact entire 'pizza-delivery' scenes if you know what I mean. The bulletproof glass is more of a Dorchester/Roxbury kind of thing, but hey why risk it. Rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it. All I can picture is the dudes from Jackass running up and down the hallways peeing all over each other and ripping fans out of the ceiling. Remember when they set up that fake Valentine's note on the wall and then a boxing glove punched through it and hit them in the face? Wee-man had to stand on a chair to read it. The Squire (Gentleman's Club) - Revere, MA Well that's not the translation for 'I vomited' but I appreciate the effort. Dude basically summed up a strip club in three foreign words... and being from Las Vegas I 100% trust his opinion. Yes, I've been to The Squire. Yes, it wasn't the best. But I don't know if any of the girls were physically puke-inducing. Plenty of track marks and cellulite to go around, but nothing I haven't seen on an episode of 'The Doctors' before. Actually, I take it back, you know nothing Brian R.... YAH FOOKING CROW! Kendall Landmark Theater - Cambridge, MA Look Chris you can't just go around calling people dorks. That's not cool. Don't think you can hide it with a few asterisk's either. That being said, I know where you're coming from. Parking in Cambridge is a BITCH no matter the day of the week or time of day. This is why I subject myself to the tortures of public transportation. Babies whatever, dogs are pushing it, but if you're telling me you saw this dork use a Styrofoam container he needs to be locked up immediately. Savage. Sissy K's (bar/restaurant) - Boston, MA #Nailedit Ever been on a Sunday night?! Oh man. Went there once on a Sunday night because Monday was a holiday... literally had an 80 year old man casting an invisible fishing pole at some of the girls I was with. If you're ever looking to get sticky/sweaty/itchy/wet and generally feel uncomfortable, head on over to Sissy K's and go upstairs. Have fun going down two floors through crowds of underage kids grinding on each other to take a leak! The New Ho Toy (Chinese restaurant) - Boston, MA This is clearly a fake and racially charged review. I'm just here to draw attention to the fact that there's a restaurant named 'New Ho Toy' in my city. Trip booked. WalMart - Quincy, MA Is this not the epitome of every trip you've ever taken to Wally World? You know every time you go in there you'll be experiencing the worst humanity has to offer. But you'll be DAMMED if you don't snag that industrial size bag of Goldfish. That's enough snack-cracker to last you through a zombie apocalypse AND a nuclear fallout. They should just hand out blindfolds and a little device that beeps faster the closer you get to what you need in the store. Just don't get too feely with your hands. Daredevil has got it made. CUE THE SHAKETEAM! Planet Fitness - East Boston, MA Buckle up kids, this one is a trip. I feel like this woman stole my brain for a few minutes. Enjoy! Planet Fitness - Don't forget your Tootsie Rolls on the way out!
FINALLY! MODS... HAVE COME BACK... TO THE XXXXXXBOXXXXXXX! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! I've spent the past few days goofing around with some of the new mods for the XBOX One version of Fallout 4. Gotta say, it's an absolutely BRILLIANT move by Microsoft/Bethesda. It's like a whole new game. Here are some fun ones I've tried. Go ahead and cancel any outdoor summer activities you have. Just play Fallout with the windows open. Same thing. Macho Claws The Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of Skyrim is back to defend his title in the post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland of Boston! All Deathclaws are transformed into the cream of the crop himself, Macho Man Randy Savage! Tremble in fear as things like "OHHH YEAAHH and DIG IT!" are screamed at you while giant spiky claws are rammed up your b-hole. Attention modders - We need more of this. Imagine hearing glass shatter and then Stone Cold Claw charges you middle fingers flying. Or dude... Chris Jericho Deathclaws with light-up jackets?! BREAK THE WALLS DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNN! The Cheat Room It’s like Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory only it’s full of guns, grenades and power-ups instead of skateboards and a foam pit. Complete with a shooting range to test out all of your new found goodies. Running low on ANY type of ammo? Stop by and fill up! Want to see an Iron Man-like fleet of power armor in a big ass hanger? Bingo. Want to unlock EVERY SINGLE MO’EFFING PERK? Shia agrees…Just DOOOOO IT! Oh and there’s a lava pit. And a shooting range. Aaaaand a mini-nuke mini-gun. (Say that 5 times fast). ‘Pew’ Lasers Remember playing ‘Cops and Robbers’ or ‘Autobots and Decepticons’ as a child and you had to make the *BOOM* and *BANG BANG* sounds with your mouth. Well this is that in a video game. All of your laser guns go ‘Pew’ when you shoot them now! YIPPEE! So simple… so fun. It turns even the most serious giant mega laser battle into a jolly game of laser tag. Except these lasers kill you. Lazer Sabres (Holy shit, LIGHTSABERS!) What’s better than getting one lightsaber? GETTING AN ENTIRE BOX FULL OF THEM! Yep, congratulations… you are now the proud owner of a trunk full of lightsabers in all different colors of the rainbow. ROY-G-EFFING-BIV! Now you can run around stabbing things with your ‘lazer sabre’ (it’s a lightsaber, just say it) screaming things like ‘For Alderaan!’ as you hack your way through a mound of mole rats! Endless fun. It even makes the lightsaber noises.... ZWWWOMMM ZWOMMM. Hell yes. Snap N’ Build This one is for all of you settlement-building buffs like me. It’s like an expansion pack for your existing structure options. Cool things like greenhouses, pre-fabbed housing, railings, walkways… you’ll have a ton of fun building or buffing your settlements. Minecraft eat your heart out. CROSS Cybernetics Build your own super soldier exo-suit! Hey look at me, I’m the Master Chief! Cortana Cortana! LOLOLOL! It’s really cool...basically a smaller, less bulky version of your power armor. Just build yourself a cybernetics lab (a nice, techy addition to your settlement) and grab your cyber frames! From there you have a ton of customization options…lifting servos, magazine auto-ejectors, recon-tracking, camouflage… legit Tony Stark territory. Granted some of the pieces require mid to end-game materials and certain perks, they’re well worth the hunt. Any Mod Any Weapon Rounding out the list… this is exactly what it sounds like. Gatling mini-nuke launcher? Sure. Laser shotgun? Yep. A giant cannon that launches teddy bears? Because you can. You are limited only by your imagination. They world is your oyster… shoot the shit out of it. Wow, sick chain and bandana under the hat combo. Straight gangster. Sadly that's an actual picture of me in 2010. I think it was a joke? 90% sure. Someone please confirm. In a desperate attempt for blog material on a lazy Wednesday, I decided to do a bit of time traveling. I warped myself back to the early days of Facebook to take a look at 19-23 year old Vic status updates. I was not disappointed. Jesus. Thanks Mom. Anyone need a baby liver? Either that or I hacked/created Facebook as a zygote. Womb-Vic likes this. Actually, you were rolling on 16's that belonged to a barf-green 1998 Ford Taurus on a budget diet that consisted of Ramen noodles, Insta-Mac and Jose Ole Taquitos. #baller I was the only one at that party. 100%. Umm. What? For those of you who don't know, that's referring to the first tattoo I ever got… the infamous tribal hammerhead shark. Here's what it should have said: Tattoo looks MEH! Dude traced it and still kinda screwed it up, he's not greatttt... You know like studying, being awkward around girls and playing intramural flag football. Insane, looney, party-school stuff. Not much has changed in 6 years really. I wonder what the context was here. This makes zero sense to me. Especially because of the lack of any capitalization or punctuation. Can't even chalk it up to being drunk because I didn't drink until I turned 21. Can't imagine actually slapping a pelican would end well. Wait a minute… slapping the pelican… is that like choking the chicken?! Oh… Oh God... Pelicans. Cactuses (Cacti?). I was into some weird shit in October of 2007. So THAT'S what started the pelican/cactus fiasco! I was tripping on urinal cakes! There are some weird exotic chemicals in those things. Phew, I feel so much better now. Yeah, 23. Real old dude. Cuncel da Victor. Poor choice of words. I can only assume this was a 'Jersey Shore' reference. If you didn't know that you'd think I was heading down to the town common to expose myself to everyone and work on my sandal tan while gigging out with the band. Well two out of those three things happened, but I'm not telling you which ones ;)
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