Welcome back to another exciting edition of 'This or That?' with our good buddies over at Either.io. And hey whaddya know... my first repeat blog! LOOK MAH I FINALLY MADE IT!!!
Sit back. Relax. Grab a sandwich and prepare for the hottest of takes.
Yikes, tough one. Would I rather legit have no soul or just look like I have no soul? Well you can always dye your hair if you're OK with having no soul. I do have one but it's so tarnished after 29 years of life that there's no chance I'm taking the elevator up if you know what I mean. Plus I like the sun and outdoor activities too much to be albino. Not a huge melanoma guy.
I'm not aware of any reverse Michael Jackson skin cream, and if it does exist I'm sure it's expensive. Definitely DO NOT want any Walter White style acid skin baths. Too much could go wrong. I'm totally cool with snagging some Just For Men at CVS for $10. ![]()
Yo, listen up here's a story...
Somebody once told me the world was gunna roll me. I get knocked down, and I get up again. You're never gunna keep ME down! I believe in a thing called love... do YOU believe in love after love? Imagine all the people. What if God was one of US?! Just a slob like one of us... When I die, bury me in the booty club.
Lyrics are just too much fun.
Right, now here is where the generation gap comes into play. Everyone my age is going right for Mario Kart. They 100% want to fly up and down I-93 in a go-kart and chuck spikey turtle shells and explosive blocks at other drivers dressed as dinosaurs, mutated mushrooms and princesses.
All of you 1995+ birth types are going the other way... "Mario Kart?! Oh you mean Mario Kart 8 for the Wii U?" No, I mean OG SNES Mario Kart and MK64. Less bits, more grit. I still don't really even know what Minecraft is and I consider myself to be pretty hip to the gaming world. As far as I know you just run around collecting material and building stuff. Oh you mean like REAL LIFE?! Running around collecting paychecks to build a mother fluffing FUTURE for your UNBORN CHILDREN and WIFE TO BE NAMED LATER!?! Give me the banana peels and fat plumbers.
The first step is finding someone to live with who actually puts the toilet paper back onto the toilet paper holder. You know who you are...
With that out of the way, here are my 3 arguments for away from the wall TP. 1) Time Saver - Your hand has to travel an extra 2-3 inches with facing the wall TP. Time is precious people. It may only be saving 0.5 seconds of time, but that shit adds up! (pun intended). Let's say you poop once a day... 0.5 seconds x 365 days per year = 182.5 seconds per YEAR! That's a full 3 minutes of life you are wasting per year just by reaching for toilet paper. 2) Sanitation - Pooping is messy. I don't care how careful you are there are going to be poo particles on your hand. When you reach for that 'facing the wall' paper your hand is bumping the wall, maybe the actual TP holder or even the bulk of the roll itself as you fumble for the next sheet. Just get it all nice and contaminated for the next oblivious pooper. Which brings me to... 3) Readily Available - Facing away from the wall, the next sheet of available TP is always in plain sight. There it is, give it to me so I can wipe and get out of here. Pooping is mentally taxing enough, I don't want to be freaking out over where the paper is. God forbid the next piece of paper gets stuck out of sight behind the roll with you facing the wall types. Then you're fumbling around for it like trying to find the start of a roll of scotch tape. Now you're wasting even more time, and that shit ain't gunna wipe itself.
Great segway from the TP/pooping question.
Think about all of the things you smell on a day-to-day basis. Sure there are some lovely scents out there... coffee in the morning, flowers and fresh cut grass in the springtime. But 95% of the odors invading your face holes are abysmal. For me: the subway, sweaty gym dudes, chemicals at work, penguin shit, the Charles River. Do I want all of that garbage amplified? No thanks. I could do without having to wear glasses or contacts or having my pupils zapped with laser beams. I'd be happy with just normal human sight let alone eagle vision. How about normal human vision and NO sense of smell? Done deal.
Part 3 coming soon! And by soon I mean whenever I run out of my own ideas.
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Listen up dudes of the Greater New England area. Dating apps are out there, and for better or worse they've become a bit more of the norm in 2016. If you've never experienced the horrors of online dating (or have and want to make sure you're not insane) let me help you break it down with some pie charts. Everyone loves pie.
And ladies, if you're looking for a male perspective, take a dive into these totally 100% backed by science charts and analysis.
Primary Profile Photo (AKA First Impression Photo AKA The Decider)
'Lawn on D' Shot - I swear it's like 1 out of every 10 profile pictures. Must be the girl version of the 'action sport / gym mirror selfie' shot. Group Photo - Automatic left swipe. Don't have the time to figure out where Waldo is. Photo with Mom - If you have a hot mom, that bodes well for you. If she isn't…so that's what you're going to look like in 25 years? Abort mission. Photo with a Pet - Awwww hey pupppppyyyyy! WHO'S A GOOD BOOSHY SMOOSHY BOOSHY!?! Holding WIne - I'm all for some Pinot. Could be worse. Actual Nice Headshot - YES! THANK YOU! I CAN ACTUALLY SEE YOUR FACE AND I KNOW WHO I'M DEALING WITH!
If They Send The First Message (HUGE if...)
'Hi' or 'Hey There' - SO MANY girls have the following statement in their profile "Please don't bother messaging me if all you're going to say is 'Hi'" Ummmmm, ditto. Nice to 'Meet' You - All I can picture is the girl doing air quotes when she says meet. You don't knowwwww me. A 1000 Word Essay - Literally a short story describing everything they've done in the past 24 hours. Not only will I not respond, it is super creepy to give all of that information away to a COMPLETE STRANGER. Emojis - What are you 10? Actually Read Your Profile - Kudos to these fine ladies who actually read what you have written and made an effort to make contact you in a thoughtful manner. Sadly, they are few and far between.
The Best Time To Get A Match
From February 7th-14th watch those matches pile up like a giant car crash on an icy road. ![]()
What's The Catch?
Have A Kid - Not necessarily a deal breaker, but it's auto-reassess territory. Maybe it's her niece?! Wishful thinking. Actually a Dude - Welcome to 2016. Doctors can do some crazy shit. Not Them, Looking For A Friend - Here's a crazy idea, how about your FRIEND sets up the profile! Is this even legal? It's like false advertising right? Someone call James Sokolove. Just Wants A Friend - LOL. GTFO. Catfish - If it's too good to be true, it's a fish. The best is when they blatantly use celebrity pictures. I've matched with Keira Knightley like 16 times.
Will I Get A Date?
Ok so this one is actually true. According to the Pew Research Center (www.pewresearch.org) about 33% of online daters still have not gone on a date with someone they met online. Online dating is more socially accepted now than ever before. Granted I have no idea what kind of people would actually respond to a poll asking them if they've been on a date with someone they met online. I wouldn't. But keep your chin up if you're in the 33%…it was 56% ten years ago when they first took the poll (whatever that's worth)! Keep swiping stud muffin, you'll get there eventually. I'm not a huge 'heights' guy and you probably wouldn't find me casually strolling through city parks at 2:00am, but things like snakes, spiders, elevators, public speaking and other typical 'scary' stuff doesn't really bother me much. That being said, it seems like the things that do end up making me jump are always the things that don't actually physically exist. What do I mean? Creepy videos, movies, and video games. Here are some of the video games and video game moments that are the reason I now double-bag underwear. Warning: **Minor spoilers if you haven't played these games.** Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem I was one of the 4 people who owned a GameCube, and when Eternal Darkness came out I HAD TO HAVE IT! It wasn't a very popular game but is now considered a cult classic (and a rare score). Part time-travel, part-hack n' slash, part RPG and entirely TERRIFYING. I mean this game had it all… nightmarish creatures that dripped puss and grunted, creepy dungeons, castles and houses, haunting music… and this might have been one of the first if not THE first game that actually went out of its way to troll you. In addition to your standard health meter, EDSR had something called a 'sanity meter' that slowly depleted due to certain in-game events, and if you didn't fill it back up, get ready for some weird shit to start happening. Random screams, ghost footsteps, dragging chains, your character starts walking on the ceiling, a big ass group of monsters appears out of nowhere only to disappear again. And here's the best part… the game went Deadpool on you and broke the fourth wall. Yep. We're talking TV volume adjustments, a fake blue-screen-of-death, a message telling you your save-file is corrupt. The whole nine. What a blast being simultaneously scared shitless and furious that you lost your save data. I'll post a video of all the different sanity effects below. It really is an underrated game. Grab a copy if you can and give it a whirl. I have one if you want to come over. F.E.A.R. Subtle title. It stands for First Encounter Assault Recon, and as you may have guessed it's a first-person shooter. Essentially you're a member of a task force assigned to fight against paranormal beings… in this case A LITTLE PSYCHOTIC DEMON GIRL. Why…Why is it always a demon child? Never a demon adult, or a demon dog… freaking satanic creepy girls are the woooorsssttt. Jump scares? Check. Corpses re-animating? Check. Tables randomly flying at you? Check. Whenever you hear that static sound come across your radio a little poop comes out, because the red-eyed demon girl is about to squirt blood out her ear-holes three inches from your face. It's like The Matrix meets The Ring. You have all of these cool weapons, you can slow down time Neo style, but none of that matters because you're fighting a freakin' ghost. Oh and there's also a group of terrorist-like telepathically controlled super-soldiers who want to kill you. Their leader has psychic powers and I think he likes to eat people. Sweet. If you feel like dying 5 years earlier than planned give this game a shot. It spawned a few sequels that I won't be playing. ![]() The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time I know what you're thinking. "Wait what? Vic this ain't no scary ass game brah!" True, most of it was a light hearted romp through Hyrule… but there were some things that terrified my weak, innocent 12-year-old heart. 1) ReDeads. You know those awful brown mummies that shuffle around and paralyze you by SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER before jumping on your head and choking the shit out of you? Yeah those things. And when I say 'screaming bloody murder' I mean it. Like full on I'm getting stabbed in the streets of Baltimore. 2) The Shadow Temple. The whole thing. It's a giant freakin' torture chamber. And holy hell the creepiest creature of all time lives inside… I'm going to post a picture of it… aaaaaand my PTSD just kicked in. Look at that thing… LOOK AT IT! That's the face of death. White, creepy, toothy, shimmying, jiggly death. 3) Great Fairies. I know you're supposed to be like "Oh awesome I can get all of my health back!” But if you don't at least second guess the meaning of life when that banshee fires up out of that water there's something wrong with you. Good lord Nintendo, how is this game rated 'E' for everyone?!? Bioshock Welcome to Rapture. This game came out when I was in college. COLLEGE, and it still terrorized my existence. A bunch of my roommates and I got it and we legit had to play it with someone else in the room. No alone-sies. The atmosphere is a large part of what made it so creepy. You're in a giant underwater city full of psychotic robots and residents, originally built to be a utopian paradise… an escape from life at the surface. But what really tickled my piss-response were the Splicers. THESE EFFING GUYS! Hanging out in dark hallways waiting to sprint at you full speed. The best is when they would spider crawl across the ceiling and drop on you out of nowhere. That's usually when I spit PBR all over the screen. And again with the creepy little girls! WHAT IS IT WITH CREEPY LITTLE GIRLS?! Called 'Little Sisters', they often come paired up with a massive monster in a diving suit and drills for arms… great. If you end up defeating the giant drill man (Big Daddy) you have the option to either save the Little Sister or harvest (kill) them. You bet your ass I harvested every last one of those whores. The Original Scary Maze ‘Game’ I use the term ‘game’ loosely, but for our purposes I’m counting it. I’m talking about the OG scary maze game from the early 2000s that ends with a nice fat spoonful of disgusting zombie-witch face. Scared me half to death first time someone made me play it. And that was the worst part… someone who knew what was going to happen gets to sit there and watch you freak out and punch a hole through your monitor. You ever see that Simpson’s episode where Mr. Burns has every single disease at the same time so they all cancel each other out and he’s totally healthy? This scare was like that but with emotions. I felt all the emotions within a 3-second window. They all canceled each other out and I had nothing left to give. Left 4 Dead Any game with zombies is likely good for a few ‘AHH HOLY SHIT!!!’ moments, but there was one character in particular that scared (and still scares) the ever-living daylights out of my man meat. The witch. Scene: You’re in a pitch black room and you hear the soft weeping of a child. You click on your flashlight only to see a gaunt white figure sitting cross legged on the floor, head-down and swaying slowly. As you creep closer the vocal chorus gets more intense and the white figure starts crying even louder… closer…louder… a little closer… and then… “YEAAAAAAAAAHHHARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!” Ear-piercing scream as she sprints straight towards you Ultimate Warrior style and proceeds to shred the shit out of your face with her nasty pointy claws. Turn the lights off and watch the video. All kinds of nope. |
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