In a weird and ironic twist of fate I, Victor S. Dellisola IV, might be one of the most qualified people on the planet to answer this question (slight exaggeration, but not really).
Marine Biology degree? Check Seven years of volunteer experience working with penguin colonies? Check Obsession with sharks to the point of getting a tribal shark tattoo? Sadly, check. Legit my two favorite animals on the planet are represented in the quest for Lord Stanley's Cup. The odds of that have to be astronomical. Speaking of odds, I'm going to predict this years Stanley Cup winner using SCIENCE! Animal science. Kind of. It's comedy people. Roll with it. ![]()
Geographic Distribution
There are over 400 species of sharks on the planet, and several I'm sure that have yet to be discovered. No surprise since sharks have been around for about 430 million years now. You can get a lot done in 430 million years. Now you'll find sharks nearly everywhere you find water… in oceans, rivers, salt water, fresh water, estuaries, lakes… all the water. Heck there's even the Greenland shark which inhabits the sub-arctic waters of the North Atlantic, and the Frilled shark (nightmare fuel) that lives 5,000 feet below the surface. Kind of impossible to give an exact number of how many sharks are on earth, but they're a hardy group I'll give them that. Penguins on the other hand (depending on who you ask) are represented by only 18 species. Well that's a little bit less than 400 isn't it. The oldest penguin fossils discovered thus far date back 50-60 million years. Also, all penguins are native to the Southern Hemisphere and more or less live near areas of upwelling that bring them a steady supply of food. They don't have quite as many potential inhabitable locations as sharks do. Sharks claim the victory here due to a 370 million year head start, a wider range of distribution, adaptability, and potentially undiscovered species. Advantage: SHARKS
Reproduction and Gestation
Let's say we have a catastrophic event that results in the near extinction of all populations of sharks and penguins. Zeus just says "Screw it!" and zaps a bunch of them. Barring any other stimuli, which animal would have the best chance of re-populating based solely on their reproductive cycle and habits? Depending on the species, sharks can give birth to live young or lay eggs. Some will care for their newborn pups (albeit briefly) whereas others will leave their pups or eggs to fend for themselves. Shoot and scoot. You might be dealing with half a dozen live pups, or a batch of 200 eggs. Needless to say, there's a lot of variability with shark reproduction and it's a bit of a crapshoot. The actual gestation period is even more variable depending on the species. It can be as short as 7 months (hammerheads) or as long as 3-3.5 YEARS (basking sharks). Let's take the average… 24.5 months. Penguins are birds, thus all penguins lay eggs. Usually two at a time (an alpha and a beta), and at least one of the two parents will dedicate time to incubating the egg and caring for the chicks when they hatch. Incubation time varies between species and can be any where from 30-70 days…. the average here being 50 days. That's DAYS people. A penguin chick that hatches after 70 days will still be born 5 months before the first baby shark has the chance to emerge. Coupled with the parental love and attention baby penguins receive, I'm going to have to give the edge to the birds here. Advantage: PENGUINS ![]()
Superpowers
Both sharks and penguins have some unique abilities that would make pretty good party tricks for humans. Let's look at Penguins first… 1) Cold tolerance - Not all penguin species live in cold climates per say, but they all rely on diving into cold water to catch their lunch. The key to extreme cold survivability? FEATHERS BRO! Their feathers work in unison to simoutanelousy keep water out and provide a bubble of warmth around their bodies at all times. Plus, they happen to have the densest set of feathers in the animal kingdom at about 80-90 per square inch. Bonus feature: natural camouflage called 'countershading'. Very, very sneaky sir. 2) Expert swimmers - They're like little swimming Captain Americas, the peak of bird swimming potential. Able to burst at speeds of 20-25mph and extremely agile. They can zig zag and porpoise through the water like nobodies business. Check this… they can even slow their heart rates downs to become more oxygen efficient underwater (a diving reflex or bradycardia). Emperors in particular can hold a single breath for about 25 minutes. Not bad for a pudgy waddling feather ball. Ok, switching gears to sharks… 1) Enhanced senses - Ever head of the Ampullae of Lorenzini? No, it's not a Game of Thrones character. These are actually special sensing organs sharks have and work almost like a sixth sense. I SEE DEAD PEOPLE! Electroreceptors around the head of the shark allow it to pick up electromagnetic fields in the water. Cool stuff. They also have something called a lateral line which allows them to detect movements and vibration in the water. You ever see a school of fish all turn on a dime at the exact same moment? That's the lateral line at work. And although a sharks eye sight isn't the greatest, their sense of smell more than makes up for it. Sharks are able to detect the tiniest amounts of a chemical in the water. Certain species can detect their prey at one drop of oil/blood/chemical at one part per 10 BILLION. That's the equivalent of one drop in an Olympic sized swimming pool. Daredevil eat your heart out. 2) Survivability/Durability - Like I said, sharks haven't been around for 400 million years because they're pussies. They're survivors, apex predators and top of the underwater food chain. They've inhabited almost every nook and cranny of the oceans and waterways on this earth. Incredible swimmers built for speedy bursts of 30mph and donning a suit or armor made up of tiny teeth called dermal denticles. Oh and the daggers for teeth they have in their mouths… teeth that ALWAYS keep getting replaced. Penguins are great and I love them to death, but I'm taking the shark superpowers every day of the week and twice on Sunday. I'd be an armor plated electromagnetic pulsing scent sniffing slicing dicing crime fighting BADASS. Advantage: SHARKS ![]()
Intelligence
Measuring intelligence is a tricky thing. Is intelligence the brains overall capacity to learn? Is it the application of instinct and learned material to the various situations you encounter? Now when you think intelligence and the ocean you almost always immediately go to dolphins. But let me tell you, penguins are some smart bastards. Although we like to treat them like wild animals at the NEAQ (no touching, training etc.) they are most certainly capable of being trained. They recognize individuals, they know who's new and who's been around awhile, they know when its time to eat or when they're being hunted down for a veterinary check-up, and they will in fact learn to respond to the names we give them over time. They are also VERY vocal with one another, forming complex and intricate social hierarchies within their colonies. They're really isn't much out there as far as 'penguin intelligence' studies, but come by the aquarium sometime and see for yourself. Trust me, they're bright birds. Sharks have a certain degree of intelligence, but in my opinion are mostly instinctual animals… evolved to become the perfect oceanic predator. There have a been a few recent studies suggesting intelligence in certain shark species (BBC has a few nice pieces as well as National Geographic) but like penguins it's difficult to measure 'intelligence' as a tangible entity. Generally, sharks are loners which also throws a wrench into things. It's not too often we get to see sharks communicating or being social in a group setting. No doubt sharks have some amazing senses and an ability to at least understand what's going around them, but the jury still seems to be out as far as 'intelligence'. If you dive into it (no pun intended but totally intended) you'll find a lot of conflicting arguments. More work needs to be done to sway me towards the side of sharks. Advantage: PENGUINS… And we're all tied 2-2. Just ignore this video… Even Einstein had the occasional brain fart.
Current Population Status
Both animals are in trouble here. Shark populations aren't doing great despite recent changes to legislature, like the Shark Conservation Act of 2010 and other recent victories in restricting shark fishing. They're under attack from all angles; pollution, invasive species and competition, overfishing, bycatch, shark finning etc. The big issue here is that each country has their own set of rules and regulations when it comes to the shark fishing industry… there's really no way to uphold a set of global laws without messy international complications. Several species of penguin are either threatened or endangered as well. In particular a species I work with, the African penguins, are expected to be completely extinct in the wild within the next decade. Penguins face a barrage of problems: global warming, overfishing, predation, human encroachment, oil spills etc. Now I know for a fact there are several institutions dedicated to the preservation, care and even repopulation of these seabirds (SANCCOB, OCP, GPS, the New England Aquarium and aquariums across the globe.) It's a tough call. Penguins would probably be the first of the two species to go extinct simply because there are significantly less of them population-wise. War of attrition I guess. However all 18 species of penguins are legally protected from hunting and egg catching, which can't be said for all species of sharks. Still, I'm going to have to give the edge to sharks based purely on numbers. But I'll be DAMMED if I let anything happen to the birds at the New England Aquarium on my watch. If I see you poking any of our birds with a selfie-stick I'll get angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Advantage: SHARKS ![]()
Logo Realism
Ok so let's involve the actual sport of hockey and take a look at how accurately each team's logo represents their animal mascot. Pittsburgh Penguins - The largest species of penguin in the world is the Emperor penguin, standing about 4 feet tall and weighing close to 50 pounds fully grown. How long is the average hockey stick… 4-5 feet? That would mean our penguin on the logo, assuming it's an Emperor which it is DEFINITELY NOT, would be using like a 30-something inch stick?!? Little on the short end, eh? Maybe not for a little kid from pee-wee or whatever, but these are professionals in the NHL. And that penguin is not ANYTHING you would EVER find in the wild. Visible knees, white eyebrow and beak, buff delts, wearing HOCKEY SKATES AND GLOVES!!! No just no. San Jose Sharks - Better. Closer. Warmer. The ratio of animal to hockey stick seems to be a bit more realistic. Don't know of any aqua colored sharks with bright orange eyes, but anatomically closer to what one may find in the wild. And people have found some weird ass stuff in a sharks stomach… license plates, car parts, books, lighters, golf balls. If a curious shark did come across a hockey stick floating around, there's a solid chance he'd take a bite out it. Sharks bite things as a way of figuring out if it's potential prey. Like a shark handshake or a shark hug. Ouch, strong hands. Advantage: SHARKS
Final Score: Sharks 4 - Penguins 2
There it is folks, the San Jose Sharks are your 2016 Stanley Cup Champions! YAY SCIENCE! **Disclaimer: I, Victor S. Dellisola IV, am exempt from any claims that I cost you your entire life savings or any amount of money/properties/stuffs in the event that the Pittsburgh Penguins win the 2016 Stanley Cup Finals.
0 Comments
Stark, Direwolf, "Winter Is Coming"
Lannister, Lion, "Hear Me Roar!" Tyrell, Butthole Flower, "Growing Strong" In the Game of Thrones universe every important and influential family has their own sigil. If you're not a Thrones guy/gal, just think of it as like a logo for a sports team with a corny catchphrase... Boston, Red Socks, "Who's Your Papi?" Washington, Native American Face, "We're Totally NOT Racist." You get the idea... If you make your way over to www.jointherealm.com you can create you own GOT style sigils. This got me thinking... what if modern day celebrities had families in the land of Thrones? Here are a few I came up with. Don't worry, no major spoilers. Just don't Google 'Red Wedding' before you finish season 3. You have been warned.
Pre-Show: Dudley Boyz and Big Cass
Leave it to the pre-show to come up with some random, pointless segments. On the bright side, the Dudley Boyz called out New Jersey for being the smelly, disgusting dump that it is. And that oversized cape/bib combo Big Cass was rocking is something I need to be wearing to the gym for all upcoming delt/tricep days. If Enzo wasn't planning on coming back, why did they even run this segment? So Cass could name off every food item on his grocery list? To be reminded that the Dudleys are the most unauthentic looking superstars on the roster? Yo meatloaf, how you doin'? This segment was S-A-W-F-T. Score: 2/10
Pre-Show: Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Jobber
Wait was this a no-disqualification match? I didn't hear the announcers specify that 156 times. But hey now we know that Corbin is a Slipknot fan! A so-so match with Ziggler doing Ziggler things... Selling chops like they're .50 cal bullets. I knew it was going to be bad when he didn't even take his shirt off. How the heck is Ziggler still with the WWE? How does he not want to go somewhere where he doesn't constantly job for up and coming talent or random-ass superstars? Such a waste. I'm not a big Corbin fan... he just doesn't put out the 'menacing' vibe the way the announcers seem to hype about. And what's with all of the unathletic looking superstars all of a sudden?!? Corbin, Dudleyz, Dad-bod Jericho, Owens, anti-leg-day Ambrose... Somewhere Rick Rude is rolling over in his grave. Score: 3.5/10
Tornado Tag Team: The Usos vs Gallows and Anderson
Finally a decent match with some good spots. Gallows and Anderson seemed to work well together given the match type and paired up for some nice one-two punches. I'm not a huge Usos fan but they did a decent job. How do they make those kicks 'pop' like that?! I need to know the secret. Imagine doing that at parties?! Your friends would legit think you kicked the teeth out of someone's skull. By the way, I think I'm slowly turning deaf in one ear. I couldn't tell if the crowd was booing the Usos or if they were going "UUUUUUUUSSSSS". Kind of like at Bruins games when fans yell "TUUUUUUKKK" for Tuukka Rask when they should be booing. Glad Gallows and Anderson won as they needed some credibility. Still not a very extreme match considering it's the Extreme Rules pay per screw. Score: 6/10 ![]()
United States Championship: Kalisto vs. Rusev
So a Mexican guy and a Bulgarian guy have a match for the UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP. Vote Trump. Make the U.S. Title great again. Felt like this should have been a middle-of-Smackdown match. That being said, Rusev is much better off as a singles competitor than part of the League of Nations. I just got the feeling that I've seen this match 100 times over the past few months. Seems like the writers are always throwing Kalisto into these David vs Goliath type matches. Poor kid probably has an Algebra test he needs to be studying for. I'm glad Rusev won and we got at least one dang title change. He should run with the title for awhile and build up some momentum as a singles beast. My guess is we might have another Rusev - Cena feud for the U.S. belt when Cena comes back full time. Lana absolutely MURDERED that dress she was wearing. Score: 5/10 (Lana: 9.9/10)
Tag Team Championship - The New Day vs The Vaudevillains
So we're on our fourth match and I still have yet to see anything that qualifies as 'Extreme'. That being said... New… Day rocks! New… Day rocks! If I could somehow wake up to The New Day theme song and a .gif of Big E doing hip gyrations it would be impossible to have a bad day. Good match. I think Enzo getting hurt kind of threw a wrench into the plans and the entire tag team tournament build up seemed a little underwhelming with this as the end game. I do like the Vaudevillains... they're still a little green in the WWE but have been progressively getting better. I think their whole throwback shtick is a little weird but whatever. Very glad New Day retained, you have to keep the belts on them while they're still red hot. Maybe, that will change once Enzo gets back (which I think was the plan before he got hurt?). By the way, Sheamus is Rocksteady in the new Ninja Turtles movie? Not sure if that makes me want to see it more or less... Score: 6.5/10 ![]()
Fatal 4-Way IC Championship: The Miz vs. Cesaro vs. Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens
Finally time for something EXTREEEEMMME!!! Only took an hour and a half. Awesome start by the way… KO and Miz just booted out of the ring immediately. BOOYAKASHA! The Intercontinental 'division' has been on FIRE recently thanks largely to the Zayn - Owens sub-feud. And Cesaro being back definitely helps things. Seems like you can throw any combination of these guys together and they'll have a killer match. A great WrestleMania-worthy match, with some amazing moves and feats of athleticism. The Sami Zayn - Cesaro flip-aroo towards the end was AWESOME! So was the 4-person body slam and Cesaro running an elbow train on three dudes at once. I LOL everytime the audience tries to count the number of times Cesaro swings someone around. It's always off by like a million. Not that I had high hopes for New Jersey. A little disappointed Miz retained since you had not one but THREE other opponents who would have been great choices depending on the story you wanted to tell. The WWE gave it to Ryder for 24-hours but won't let Zayn have it AT ALL!? Great match though, and quite possibly my favorite match of the night next to the main event. Score: 9/10
Asylum Match - Chris Jericho vs. Dean Ambrose
I am so glad this didn't turn into another Ambrose/Lesnar kendo-stick tickle fight. There were some great spots, cage smashes and 'weapon' beat-downs in this one (If you consider a mop and bucket weapons). I could listen to dad-bod Jericho talk smack all day. My only complaint about this match was the pacing. The match started slow and dragged on a bit too long. I think if they cut the time in half and kept all of the same spots it would have been a killer match. I can't believe they actually let Ambrose smash Jericho into the tacks and draw blood. It was such a tease when they kept hovering over them reversing each others holds. I was like "Nahhhh they won't let him do it, PG era bro". But I'll be dammed if Jericho didn't sell getting impaled by those tacks like he was dying a slow-death! Unlike the Ambrose-Lesnar match, they used almost all of the 'weapons' provided (the exception being Mitch Jr. the plant which baffled me), even the stupid idiot mop/bucket. Turns out the tacks were in the bucket. Sneaky bastards. Score: 8/10
WWE Women's Championship Submission Match - Natalya vs Charlotte
Going into this match I didn't think there was any chance in hell they would put the belt on Natalya. That being said I had my hopes up that Charlotte would actually win a clean match for once... you know with Ric banned from ringside and everything. I was right about Natty at least. The match itself was one of the better matches on the card. Charlotte with the moonsaults and Natty with the crazy surfboard submission... These ladies are gifted athletes to say the least. The women's division in general has been delivering sneaky good matches over the last few months. I think it's just a matter of time before the WWE Women's Championship becomes THE headlining PPV match. But here we go again with the interference/run-in/distractions. Why on earth can't Charlotte win a clean match? Does the WWE really want their women's champion to be someone who can't even win a match on her own? Doesn't seem like they're sending the right message. Score: 7/10 ![]()
WWE Heavyweight Championship - Roman Reigns vs. A.J. Styles
Ahhh do you see now WWE?!?! DO YOU SEEE?! See what happens when you don't give Reigns a microphone and let his wrestling do the talking! For once the main event was arguably the best match of the night. A.J. Styles was his usual phenomenal self, and these two just DESTROYED each other for 20 minutes. Just an awesome back and forth between the powerhouse style of Reigns and the agility/ninja moves of Styles. The match spilled into the crowd, onto the pre-show glass desk (which unfortunately didn't shatter, was it supposed to?) through barricades and several announce tables. Killer. I especially loved the delayed reaction table Styles got power bombed through... like the table forgot it was supposed to collapse and then went "Oh shit, my bad!" Great match. The false finishes, the ineffective run-ins, the mid-air spear to end it all. Now THAT'S how a championship match should be. Roman retains, for now...Because...
FINALLY! SETH ROLLINS! HAS COME BACK! TO THE W. W. E.!!!!!
I'm curious to see how this plays out. Face? Heel? End of the Roman Empire? Yes plz. Buckle up boys, the Architect is back. Remember planking? Back in 2009/2010 planking or 'the lying down game' was the latest and greatest trend. You would lay down face to the dirt with your arms by your side and your body completely stiff like a 'plank' of wood. The goal was to plank in weird, unusual or sometimes dangerous locations. People legit died for the cause. It was one of the first viral-like games I can remember being a part of. And I'll be dammed if I didn't participate! So, here are my top ten planks from back in the day. Number 10 - Train Tracks Yes I checked for trains and no there wasn't one coming. That steel rail tasted like a mixture of dried blood and tin foil. Number 9 - Shopping Cart This one was an absolute bitch to get on to. Kept rolling away whenever I tried to climb on. Eventually had to climb into the cart from the trunk of my sick 4-cylinder automatic transmission Hyundai Tiburon. Terrible ponytail. Number 8 - Car Wash Who's been a dirty boy... Number 7 - Sepia Plank Dat Instagram filter doe! Just beautiful ambiance. Soak it in. #latergram Number 6 - Parking Garage Not gunna lie this one scared me a bit, hence only the second floor. Not a huge 'heights' guy. Number 5 - Caught in a Mosh Pit Nothing screams heavy metal like a good old fashioned middle of the pit plank. Pile on bros, pile on. Number 4 - Plank on a tank If you leave a tank in the middle of my neighborhood, I'm going to plank on it. Also 'plank' and 'tank' rhyme which made for a sick Instagram caption. Mad likes. Number 3 - Awkward friend plank How uncomfortable is Timmy... I'm in deep upper thigh territory. Many will enter, few will return. Number 2 - The Human Speedbump Not the safest idea. I did have some spotters. We all did dumb shit when we were 22. Number 1 - PLANK VEGAS! (featuring shameless Instagram plug)
The moving sidewalk plank en route to the Bellagio. It doesn't look that impressive here, but I rode that bitch from start to finish. I'm guessing it was about 100 feet or so. Such passion, such emotion, such core strength. Music. We all love it. Some music makes us head bang naked in the bathroom and use our wieners as whammy bars. Some music makes us weep gingerly into a big bowl of Tear-E-O’s. Alas, life is music and music is life. If my life was a series of songs, here’s how it would shake down. Birth The Lion King – Circle of Life 'Kinwahbaba pink pajama bottom! Kinwahbaba pink pajama bottom!' The miracle of birth. The innocence, the purity, the tar poops and placentas. Granted I don’t have any recollection of this time in my life whatsoever, it seems like my parents didn’t drop me too many times which is sweet. I do have a weird unexplained indent on the back of my head though. Age 1 – Age 12 Bobby McFerrin – Don’t Worry Be Happy I only have a few distinct memories from this time in my life, but rest assured they are all pretty awesome. I was just having fun… you know... being a kid! Eating all the cake, sledding all the sleds. No taxes or tuition to worry about, school is a breeze, eating boogers isn’t yet frowned upon, video games, wiffle ball and bike rides all day ‘erry day. If I only knew puberty was right around the corner. Age 13 – Age 15 Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff My testosterone and Mountain Dew fueled 'rebellious' era. Hormone levels begun to skyrocket. WARNING!!! DANGER DANGER!!! Reading Playboy magazines in the woods and then starting a fire with them to destroy the evidence. Shooting each other with airsoft guns and slingshots. Staying at the mall super late until security kicked us out. Badass. Age 16 – Age 18 New Found Glory – My Friends Over You The end of my glory days at Wilmington High School. The last hurrah. The last few moments to spend some quality time with the bros before we went our separate ways. Forget chicks tonight bro, I just want to dance. Age 19 - Age 22 Wale ft. Sam Dew – LoveHate Thing College. The pure and utter hatred for organic chemistry, kids who wouldn’t shut the hell up at 4 in the morning when I have a test at 8 am, community bathrooms, 3 hour night labs and rent-a-cops. Mix that with the natural highs of ditching class to go get coffee, firing slingshots stuffed with Chex Mix or mustard down the hallway, slam dunking the last beer pong cup to send a message, or hanging out with a girl on your roof 'til the sun comes up. I wouldn’t change a thing. Age 23 - Age 27 Queen – Under Pressure OK I have to get a job, gotta get out of the ‘rents house. Wait how am I going to get to work?!? Oh shit I have to buy a CAR!?!? Those are like $80,000 dollars if you want one that works right? But wait I can’t buy a car unless I have a JOB! OH SHIT I NEED A JOB!!! Ummm ummm ummmm, THERE ARE NO JOBS!!! MARINE BIOLOGY WAS A BAAAAAD CHOICE!!! Age 28 – Present Day Chris Brown – Look At Me Now Seems like I may finally have my shit together. Solid job. Car. Apartment. Penguin gig. Side-blog. Yeah man, life ain’t too shabby. Look at me now, I’m gettin’ PAPPPERRRR! (minus state/federal/social/medical/dental/vision/401k/savings incentive)!!!! YEAHHHH BOOYYEEEEEEEEE!!!! |
Archives
November 2016
Categories
|