We all have Facebook photos that make us step back and mumble things like "What in the actual shit was I doing?" or "Why have I not deleted this yet?". Now before any of you photo creepers dig too far into my albums, please give me a chance to explain.
As you’ll soon come to find out, pictures of me with long slender plastic tubes in my mouth are more common than I’d like to admit.
I was in a band for a while, and this screengrab is from a video we shot… an acoustic cover of one of our original songs. That white tube belongs to an instrument called a melodica. If an accordion, a synthesizer, and some bagpipes had a weird three-way bone sesh, the melodica would be their lovechild. It’s essentially a lung-powered keyboard. This melodica in particular was hilarious because some of the keys stuck together with a mixture of dried saliva and peanut butter from my sandwich. When I went to press one key, two or three others might have been automatically pressed at the same time… resulting in a sound similar to 5 clowns weeping after the scene in The Neverending Story when Artax the horse dies (32-year-old spoiler alert). I’ll post the video of this incident below. It’s actually pretty funny and worth a watch.
OH MY GAWD IS THAT RANDY RHOADS?!?!
Nope, just me. For a solid two years I had long hair. Like Jesus length. This photo is about 10-15 minutes after I was attacked by 4 girls and a hair straightener. Now I don’t play guitar at all, but I’m not one to pass up a good photo opportunity. In the event that I ever actually fulfill my dream of being the lead guitarist in a 80s hair metal cover band I’ll have something to fall back on. That T ride home was awesome. I wore a bandana and I felt like I should have been at Woodstock or something. Why on earth is my friend holding a stick with a paper cutout of another one of my friends on it? No idea. ![]()
Awww, who’s my naughty little yellow brick princess?
No, that’s not my real hair this time. Just me in a dress. I was Dorothy for Halloween two years ago. Just swap the ruby-red slippers for some low-cut Chucks. A lot of trick-or-treaters actually thought I was a girl at first, but the hairy legs kind of threw them off when they got up close. “Man, that chick probably deadlifts 225 FOR REPS!!!” Horrifying? Yes. Uncomfortable? Very. But I’ll be dammed if that didn’t get me double digit Instagram likes.
There goes Vic showing his sweet butt off to a large group of people again.
I don’t know if you all know this… despite being very white, you’re boy got some moves. This glorious moment in time occurred during the groomsman/bridesmaid introductions at a friend’s wedding. A PRIME opportunity to show off my b-boy skillz. Two of the bridesmaids went to the edge of the dance floor and held up my jacket, kind of like a matador during a bull fight. I charged full speed right through that sucker and immediately busted into a full-on Booker T spinaroonie. This photo was taken right as I hit my finishing pose. Looking at the faces of people in the crowd makes me smile every time. Girl on the left went full N'Sync puppet. CAN YOU DIG IT SUCKKKAAAAAAAA?!?!
At first glance you may think “Oh this is just some typical college bro playing Edward 40-Hands. Nothing to see here, move along, move along.” Welllllllll, kinda sorta.
I didn’t start legit drinking until I turned 21 in 2007. This picture is from freshman year of college in 2005. Hmmmm, so what were you drinking if it wasn’t beer?!? Answer: ROOT beer. To this day I argue that Edward 40-Hands with root beer is way worse than malt liquor. You get sick of root beer after about 5 sips. I did not stop involuntarily shaking for the next 24 hours. I must have looked like a crack-less crackhead who happened to waltz into biology lab. Also a great way to develop diabetes in a pinch. Almost as bad as that time I chugged a bottle of maple syrup. Almost.
Yo whattup kehd bro guy?! Bro do you even lift bro?!
Do my friends and I typically wear sunglasses at night, two polo shirts with both collars popped and kiss our biceps? No… well sometimes the biceps thing… but mostly no. Don’t really remember what inspired this but we all got together one night to go ‘bro-ing’. We just did the typical stuff we would normally do except we dressed like complete Jersey shore bro dudes, complete with terrible accents and obnoxious amounts of cologne. It was a one and done type deal. I’m just afraid that if Facebook crashed and only one picture survived, this would be the one that made it. GOING TO D’JAIS IN MY CAR!
I wasn’t lying about the pictures of me with long plastic tubes in my mouth.
Remember when vuvuzelas were the hotness? Thousands of soccer fans blowing them all at once, making it sound like a planet-sized swarm of bees buzzing around. Well here’s me blowing one directly into another man’s crotch. Really no defending myself here, caught red-handed… or blue-handed. Suffice it to say a few pre-game margaritas were involved. And fair warning, if you bring a plastic tube that makes a funny noise around me, I WILL put my mouth on it.
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