So I.... errrr sorry, "Dr. Seuss" re-wrote Star Wars - A New Hope for an upcoming charity event. Check it out! Just keep in mind the good doctor may or may not have had a few beers/bong rips beforehand.
The Rebels hold fast,
while the Stormtroopers dock. The blast doors swing open, Vader's leading this flock! Plans for the Death Star, the Rebels have claimed. With a grimble and a grumble, Vader searches in vain. One droid, two droids. Red droids and blue droids. Red droid goes "SHWWWWWICKCKCKCK... BOOM!" "We'll take the blue droid." The little blue droid, by the name of R2-D2. "Message for you sir!" Beep boop wee woo! A female projection! A welcoming sight! "Help me Obi-Wan, we must win this fight!" ![]()
Night falls on Tatooine,
Luke ponders Obi-Wan, Little R2 was just here, But alas, he is gone! In search goes Luke, trailing all the droids features, "Oh no, Sand People! Such barbaric creatures!" Luke was now trapped, and C-3PO too, When all of a sudden... "WEEEEEAROOOOOOO!!!!" Ben Kenobi appears, to drive off the raiders. And as it trurns out, for Luke, a lightsaber! To Mos Eisley spaceport, our heroes will travel. What mystery and intrigue, will a future Jedi unravel?
A scuffle in a bar,
leads to a friendly encounter. But who shot first? Han did. Now stop talking about this shit. It's pretty obvious. The Falcon takes off, planet Alderaan in sight. Strange... Alderaan is nowhere to be found. Incoming TIES! Fight, fight, fight! The Princess looked on, as the Death Star fired. Alderaan blew to smithereens, to her chamber she retired. "That's no moon!" Explains Luke to the crew-y. "It's sucking us in!" says Han. "GGRRRAHHHHHHHHRAHAHAHAHA" says Chewie. The tractor beam pulls, and the Falcon resists. But its strength is too much, and the Falcon submits. ![]()
On board the Death star,
the Princess and a rescue! A trash compacter party, timely escape thanks to R2. They retreat to the Falcon, with jumps, leaps and bounds. But not all is well... For Obi-Wan is struck down! On the moon base of Yavin, the rebel forces meet as one. Chances of destroying the Death Star? Slim. Slim to none. An Achilles heel, the Rebels do discover. An exposed thermal port, through which a torpedo could hover. X-Wings and Y-Wings, all up in this bitch. They take to the sky, Luke's trigger finger doth itch.
At the Death Star they arrive,
an impossible mission. Led by Luke and R2, and an Obi-Wan vision. Against Red 5, the odds are stacked, Vader hot on his tail, there's no turning back! "Use the Force, Luke!" states Obi-Wan's calm tone. "You're all clear kid, let's blow this thing and go home!" The torpedo is launched, Luke holds his breath in anticipation. BOOMSHAKALAKA! Total. Death Star. Obliteration. Our Rebels win the day, in glee and bliss they run around! Yet Vader still lives, and Hoth is soon to be found... ![]()
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The Bachelor. The Real World. Jersey Shore. What do they all have in common? They all suck. If I'm going to watch TV it has to be something good. DAMN good. What's better than something fresh. Something hip. Something rad. Something that technically doesn't exist... YET. Gordon Ramsay: Life Coach Everyone's favorite angry British chef Gordon Ramsay shows up to random houses completely unnaounced and proceeds to tell the inhabitants not only how much they suck at cooking, but how much they suck at brushing their teeth, paying bills, getting ready for school, pooping, feeding the cats, raking leaves, raising children etc. etc. etc. Have Gordon follow them to work and yell at them all day... "This Q3 Product Review meeting is BORRRRINNNGGG!" "The cafeteria fridge smells like DONKEY PISS! The food is ROTTTTTEENNNNN!!!" "It's not 5:00 yet STEPHEN! Where the F*#% do you think you're going?!!" And when the abused get home and pour themselves some wine... Ramsay just smacks the glass out of their hand, reads their kids a violent/sexual bedtime story and peels out of the driveway in a Miata. Must watch television. Celebrity GoPro I'm FASCINATED by what people like Leo, Tay-tay and the Biebs do on a day-to-day basis. I mean sure their schedules are booked with making movies, global concert tours and other mundane things... but like do they ever just sit around playing video games, slaying some Taco Bell and farting? Here's an idea... strap a go-pro on them. Sure you can edit it for content...or not (HBO Late Night, how you doin?). But how INSANE would it be just to see what celebrities do over the course of a typical day. No chance in hell T-Swift pumps her own gas, let alone pay for anything, anywhere. Hell you could even introduce some sort of gambling... i.e. what's the over/under on how many strippers Lil Wayne makes it rain on? How many times does Drake text Rihanna in 24 hours? Maybe turn it into an episodic series, or just have a live 24 hour feed. The possibilities are endless. To Catch A Predator - Hosted by The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin TCAP was must watch television. The entertainment/creep factor was through DA ROOF! And Chris Hansen is a damn good host... such a cocky, smug bastard dropping fact bombs and chat logs... but he's not Rock and Austin good. Imagine all the dirty scumbag diddlers coming to the bait house only to find Rocky and 3:16 in the kitchen... Example transcript... Child Decoy - "I'm just drying my hair. Come on in, I'll be down in a minute. Help yourself to some lemonade!" The Pervert - "Well OK, sure was a long drive! Hey, where are you? I want to give you a hug!" *Rock enters from behind the curtain. The Rock - "FINALLY! THE DIDDLER! HAS COME BACK! TO THE DE-COY HOUSEEEE!" Pervert - "Uhhh, ummm... hello sir." *Austin enters from behind the curtain. Stone Cold - "Why don't you have a seat right on that stool there. Austin 3:16 says your ass just got BUSTED!" Pervert - "Wait I don't understand. I'm just here to meet a friend." Stone Cold - "Oh, a friend? Did you know your friend was an 11 year old girl? What were you planning on doing with your friend? Play gahd-damn TIDDLY-WINKS!?!" Pervert - "Well I was just going to..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "I was just..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "I ..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "My GPS was all messed up...Look I think I'm at the wrong..." The Rock - "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! The Rock says, The Great One and The Texas Rattlesnake are about to whip your monkey ass allllllll the way up and down Janbroni Drive! I'm going to take this expensive silverware... shine it up reallllll nice... turn them all sideways, and stick 'em straight up your CANDY ASS!" Pervert - "I'll just be going, I'm sorry it won't happen ever again I swear!" The Rock - "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa! Just BRING IT!" *The Rock rock-bottoms pervert through the dining room table. A dazed Pervert gathers himself and stands up only to be flipped off and stunnered by Stone Cold. Stone Cold pulls two beers out of the fridge and dumps them on a severely concussed pervert. Stone Cold's theme plays. End scene. It's ALIVE!!! We've all seen Jurassic Park right? The entire plot revolved around an island where scientists were able to bring dinosaurs out of extinction from old ass dino-DNA. Well damn the technology nowadays is getting there... so why not try this out?!?! Follow around groups of scientists while they try to bring extinct species back from the netherworld! I'm talking dinosaurs, dodo birds, Caribbean monk seals, those big ass dragonflies... the whole nine! There'd have to be some serious editing in post, as I'm sure the process would take years if not decades... but what else besides Lazer-Ball are you going to be watching in 2060? Zero to Hero Pick an average guy/girl of the street... the more depressing/feeble they are the better. Let's grab a few deaf orphans or something... Now, we set them up with the top experts in every super-heroey field. We'll teach them MMA/karate, espionage and communication, driving and piloting, criminal investigation, biology and psychology... and then we turn them loose on the streets to fight crime for real! COPS style! How awesome would it be to have a few camera guys follow around decked out superheroes as they zip around the city preventing weed deals and rescuing cats from trees? I'd tune in just to see what sort of crazy ass costumes and concepts they came up with... "LOOK OUT! It's Light Bulb Man and The Shadow Kid! Here to keep crime in the dark by shining a light on thieves and miscreants!" Hell I'd audition. Squad goals.
Those of you familiar with the T.V. variety show 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' (RIP in peace fat Drew Carey) are probably familiar with a game called 'scenes-from-a-hat'. Essentially, the host pulls a random audience suggested prompt from a hat and the actors act it out. Simple concept. Cacophonous hilarity ensues. Sometimes the prompt would read something like this... "Things you can say about (blank) but NOT your girlfriend". Just replace (blank) with car, dog, schoolwork etc. Ok... so now you see where I'm going with this... Well... If the prompt was 'Things you can say about your video games, but NOT your girlfriend' here are a few responses I'd spew out... - We should definitely give multiplayer a try. - Just give it a quick blow and jam it back in there. - What a waste of sixty dollars! - The visuals are amazing but the mechanics are terrible. - OR… It's a blast to play but nothing special to look at. - Do you want to try to beat it? - Booooooorinnnnggg. - I never thought I'd actually get this far! - Wow, buy one get one half off! - The console keeps scratching my disk. - Boom! Headshot, bitch! - Did you forget to turn the blood off? - There's way too much extra crap in your inventory. - This one's rated 'T' for 'Teen'. - Do you really want to fight the Demi-Gorgon with your wrist rocket? - This one isn't nearly as good as the first one.
- I'll need to get my hands on the official walkthrough to figure this out. - Grab the mushroom if you want to get bigger. - I don't have enough badges to control it yet. - I'm going to drill her with a turtle shell if I get close. What can YOU think of?!?! Great game to play at parties btw.
Throughout school and my professional career, I’ve given a metric butt-ton of speeches and presentations. Some casual and low-key to 3 or 4 people. Some scientific presentations to a room full of PhD’s. Some in front of 200+ strangers while wearing an extremely tight wetsuit. I wouldn’t call myself a presentation “expert” by any means. Nonetheless, here are a few public speaking tricks and tips I’ve picked up to avoid Fruit of the Loom brownies.
Tell A Story
Legit. You are the J.R.R. Tolkien of this presentation. People often overlook this but it’s key. Good presentations, like good stories, have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Don’t just sit there spewing out random facts like a damn verbiage volcano. Set the scene and give them the big scope, highlight the key points and go into detail, charts and graphs and charts and graphs and some PICTURES (please don’t just word vomit all over a Powerpoint slide… it’s the woooooorst) and then wrap it up with some ‘key-takeaways’, ‘proposed next steps’ and other office-life buzz words that are sure to bring your boss from six to midnight. ![]()
LEARN Your Story aka Do Some Damn Prep Work
Unless you're a bird, you probably shouldn't wing it. Know what the fudge you’re going to say BEFORE you give your presentation. Make flash cards. Type up outlines. Do whatever you have to do to avoid reading verbatim from a script or slides. No one likes an orator who sounds like a robot literally reading word for word off the monitor. Ron Burgundy over here... Familiarize yourself with the information you're about to present as much as possible. I always find myself googling terms or words or techniques I come across that I’m unfamiliar with. And don’t put anything in your presentation that you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering in-depth questions about. Someone is bound to grill you when you seem unsure. Like sharks circling a wounded walrus… waiting… hoping… OMNOMNOMNOMNOM.
Dress To Impress
PRO TIP!!!! If you want to feel empowered and confident, make sure you look good. It starts with YOU! If I know I’m about to blow the minds of scientists and research technicians with some siqqqqqq Western Blot images and killer chromatography data… I’m going to dress the part. Pick an outfit that’s classy, and something you know you look good in. You’ll feel that much more confident while delivering your presentation. I would avoid the Batman mask unless it's Halloween. Realistic example for me: Nice pair of gray or blue slacks, some clean-ass tan Cole Haans with belt to match, a nice slim-fit button up shirt from Le Republique de Banane, a minimalistic watch from MVMT, and a fresh haircut a la Julien Edelman. BOOM! You’re feeling damn confident now aren’t you, you sexy bitch. If you’re in the situation like I am at the aquarium and don’t have control over your outfit (i.e. I’m wearing a NEAQ wetsuit standing in 55-degree water) at least make sure you brush your teeth and maybe do your hair. Facial hair too dudes… trim that chin bush. I like to make a joke about wearing a wetsuit during my penguin presentations which always lightens the mood. Something like “You’ll see I’m wearing this nice thick wetsuit, which isn’t as easy to get into after binge watching ‘Breaking Bad’ and slaying an entire Hawaiian pizza”.
Tortoise And The Hare
Pace pace pace. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Go slow. Articulate. Project your voice. BREATHE. I’ll even pre-plan a few pauses in my speech. They'll give me a chance to gather my thoughts AND give the audience a chance to digest everything. And here’s a trick if you ever get stuck… just say “Before I move on, does anyone else have any questions?” A solid 80% of the time no actually one does or they're too shy to ask, so you can pretend you’re looking around to see raised hands when the inside of your brain is like “OH SHIT WHAT”S NEXT?!?!” ![]()
Eye-Eye Captain
Eye contact is important. It’s the sign of someone who is focused and paying the utmost attention to you. But GAHD DAMN is it AWKWARD! Especially when you hit like the 5+ second mark of solid eye contact. It’s like the Millenium Falcon getting sucked into the Death Star via tractor beam. Nothing you can do once you’re caught in the vortex. Here’s a way to maintain the illusion of eye contact while simultaneously not making eye contact. Straight David Blaine shit. Ready for this?!?! Stare at people’s foreheads. Mind blown or what?! If you stare at their eyebrows/forehead, it looks like you’re beaming right into their eyes… but you’re NOT. And the farther away you are the better. Closer up in like interviews and stuff you’re kind of screwed… But in auditoriums, meeting rooms, 150,000 gallon pools filled with salt-water and flightless birds, you’re golden.
“I Don’t Know” Is An Acceptable Answer
You’re going to do your prep work. You’ll know the answer to 99% of the questions thrown at you. But once in a blue moon you’ll be asked a question that would confuse Einstein. Real life example: *Victor giving penguin presentation* Does anyone have any questions? Yes, I do. Go ahead. Do people eat penguins? Well honestly I don’t know. You might want to ask one of the staff on exhibit if they know the answer to that. Now people eating penguins is a sensitive subject… and I honestly had no idea what the answer was. Even if I did know I probably wouldn’t answer since I’m sure someone would get offended and sue me. I’m sure there’s a random tribe somewhere that eats penguins. Key takeaway: It’s OK to say ‘I don’t know’ if you truly don’t know. All the better if you can point them in the right direction of someone who might know the answer. It's preferable to flat-out lying and a) getting called out by someone or b) starting with one lie that leads to a cascade/web of lies that comes back to bite you in the ass two months down the road during your mid-year performance review when your boss references some ‘facts’ you mentioned during your presentation…Not that that’s happened to me or anything.
Step Away From The Podium
It’s OK you can do it. There you go… Theeeeree you go. Now the other hand. Nice! See? Not so bad. Unless you’re the President of the United States or some other useless government agent there’s no need for you to be glued to a podium or stuck to your desk while presenting information. Get up and walk around a bit. I’m not saying parkour across the meeting table, but take a few steps every so often… and leave the podium behind. No hiding behind it. By being up and out in the open and moving around, you’ll project confidence and energy that the crowd will pick up on. “Hey look at me I’m out the open and totally vulnerable! But I give ZERO shits!” They’ll dig that. Plus, it allows you to convey yourself through gestures and motion clearly, resulting in a more dynamic presentation. Do a cartwheel at the end, I don’t care.
Aaaaand we’re back.
I’m sure you are wondering where in the absolute cluster-fudge I’ve been the past two months. Well it went down something like this… July 12th, 2016 – Thanks to ‘Brexit’ (I think… political advisors/economists please confirm) I was laid off from my job along with 30ish other people at our quaint little bio-lab in Boston. The company was U.K. based, soooo all of our equipment and robots and such is being shipped to the U.K. site by the end of 2016. Needless to say the human beings are not making the trip. Minor setback. Not my fault a bunch of Brits want to separate from a union of countries. Heck, we ‘Mericans did it to them. Classic case of penis envy. To Scotland: You’re more than welcome to join us as the 51st state.
Rest of July – Impromptu vacation. The first week of “fun-employment” was chock full of video games, farting, eating, farting some more, hitting the gym, wearing nothing but tank tops and gym shorts, iced coffee milk-only, and more eating/farting. Thanks to a modest severance package, I had me a little stay-cation.
August 1 - 24, 2016 – Ok, time to get serious. Shiny,new, updated resume in hand it was now time to whore myself out to the Greater Boston biotech community. I was one of the hottest free agents in the streets. We're talking LeBron's "The Decision" hot. Fresh pancake hot. Eliza Dushku clothes shopping scene in "The New Guy" hot. Had about 4 or 5 interviews with various companies doing various bio-techy things. Some I liked, some I didn’t. Some called with an offer to which I declined, and some never called back like 99% of the girls I meet. Alas, I ended up with a new gig that turns out to be a stone’s throw from my apartment. Siqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq. Actual footage of my first day entrance...
August 24 - Present Day – I'm a scientist again! YAY! The new lab is pretty rad. Doing some vaccine work and supporting the team by running various bio-assays. Big boy stuff. Pays better than the old gig, and the commute is about 6 minutes. Go figure.
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Bottom line: Your boy is back. Now that I’m somewhat settled into the new 9-5, hopefully I can get back to writing. I’d like to personally thank the 4 of you that were reading my blog consistently back in the spring/early summer. Everyone else… buckle up. ‘Bout to get re-lit in hurrrrr.
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