Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the place where everyone is a critic and NO ONE is safe from a good old-fashioned textual lashing. If you don't know what Yelp is I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and most of them have already been addressed by Joe Average on Yelp. Let's go to the tape... Econo Lodge (a cheap motel) - Malden, MA Malden isn't that bad... granted you'd never find me at the Oak Grove T-stop past 9:00pm without a loaded shotgun, Kevlar, and some short-fuse dynamite. Been in plenty of motels with paper thin walls. I'm pretty sure I've heard couples re-enact entire 'pizza-delivery' scenes if you know what I mean. The bulletproof glass is more of a Dorchester/Roxbury kind of thing, but hey why risk it. Rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it. All I can picture is the dudes from Jackass running up and down the hallways peeing all over each other and ripping fans out of the ceiling. Remember when they set up that fake Valentine's note on the wall and then a boxing glove punched through it and hit them in the face? Wee-man had to stand on a chair to read it. The Squire (Gentleman's Club) - Revere, MA Well that's not the translation for 'I vomited' but I appreciate the effort. Dude basically summed up a strip club in three foreign words... and being from Las Vegas I 100% trust his opinion. Yes, I've been to The Squire. Yes, it wasn't the best. But I don't know if any of the girls were physically puke-inducing. Plenty of track marks and cellulite to go around, but nothing I haven't seen on an episode of 'The Doctors' before. Actually, I take it back, you know nothing Brian R.... YAH FOOKING CROW! Kendall Landmark Theater - Cambridge, MA Look Chris you can't just go around calling people dorks. That's not cool. Don't think you can hide it with a few asterisk's either. That being said, I know where you're coming from. Parking in Cambridge is a BITCH no matter the day of the week or time of day. This is why I subject myself to the tortures of public transportation. Babies whatever, dogs are pushing it, but if you're telling me you saw this dork use a Styrofoam container he needs to be locked up immediately. Savage. Sissy K's (bar/restaurant) - Boston, MA #Nailedit Ever been on a Sunday night?! Oh man. Went there once on a Sunday night because Monday was a holiday... literally had an 80 year old man casting an invisible fishing pole at some of the girls I was with. If you're ever looking to get sticky/sweaty/itchy/wet and generally feel uncomfortable, head on over to Sissy K's and go upstairs. Have fun going down two floors through crowds of underage kids grinding on each other to take a leak! The New Ho Toy (Chinese restaurant) - Boston, MA This is clearly a fake and racially charged review. I'm just here to draw attention to the fact that there's a restaurant named 'New Ho Toy' in my city. Trip booked. WalMart - Quincy, MA Is this not the epitome of every trip you've ever taken to Wally World? You know every time you go in there you'll be experiencing the worst humanity has to offer. But you'll be DAMMED if you don't snag that industrial size bag of Goldfish. That's enough snack-cracker to last you through a zombie apocalypse AND a nuclear fallout. They should just hand out blindfolds and a little device that beeps faster the closer you get to what you need in the store. Just don't get too feely with your hands. Daredevil has got it made. CUE THE SHAKETEAM! Planet Fitness - East Boston, MA Buckle up kids, this one is a trip. I feel like this woman stole my brain for a few minutes. Enjoy! Planet Fitness - Don't forget your Tootsie Rolls on the way out!
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