For those of you who don’t already know, I’m a volunteer at the New England Aquarium. I’ve been helping out with their penguin colonies going on 7 years now. It’s pretty rad. I’m surprised Mike Rowe hasn’t profiled me on ‘Dirty Jobs’ yet seeing as how I’m in the cold ass water about 4 hours each day dodging poo rockets and slinging cold dead fish for all the world to see.
I hear guests ask a lot of the same questions… “How cold is the water?” “What are you feeding them?” “How often do you clean the exhibit?” … and I can answer them 99% of the time. Once in a while someone asks me something so absurd that I freeze up or start stuttering like Porky Pig. “Wh wh wh wh, da, da, da, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmm…. I’m not sure but I can point you in the direction of the info desk**.” **Pro Tip: When in doubt, info desk. Here are a few of the dumbest/weirdest/most baffling questions I’ve been asked about our penguins. Believe me this is not the full list. Not by a long shot.
“What kind of whales are these?”
We don’t even have whales. There’s a whale skeleton. You can go on a whale watch. We used to have dolphins which I guess look like baby whales, but the NEAQ ended the dolphin program in the mid 90’s. The lady who asked this looked me dead in the eye and pointed at some of the birds swimming by. Listen, you don’t have to be Jacques Cousteau to understand the difference between a penguin and a whale. Sweet Jesus in a handbasket, this question probably made Darwin spit coffee all over his casket. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she saw the whale skeleton hanging overhead and had a Freudian slip. Nope. When I asked “Sorry, could you repeat that I didn’t catch the whole question” she replied, “Those whales swimming around you, what species are they?” We are witnessing a BABY WHALE KEHD! OH MY GOD JAY!
“Do penguins fart?”
Cute one kid. Did you see the one with the pink bracelet fire a shit rocket three inches from my head? Use some logic dude. Do you eat food? Do you fart? Do you poop? Did you take a whiff of air in here before we started cleaning things? What are they teaching in grade school these days? Everyone knows female penguins don’t fart. ![]()
“Is that real water they’re swimming in?”
We’re just going to ignore that fact that aquariums tend to use real water to sustain the life of real animals that depend on real water to send real oxygen to their real tissues and organs or provide real food for their real stomachs. Here’s what I wish I said… “Actually it’s a synthetic bio-fluid pumped into the exhibit through a series of color coded crazy straws by our army of slave children from Taiwan located in our underground sweatshop, created to mimic actual saltwater since the Atlantic Ocean is totally not 100% right outside the door. Ever seen Star Wars? Think bacta tank.”
“Do you guys end up cloning them here or offsite somewhere?”
Kudos to you for thinking we have the technology to clone penguins right here in the New England Aquarium. Like we’re pumping them out of test tubes. I like that he thought there was no chance we didn’t clone them. ‘It’s going on SOMEWHERE DAMMIT! WHERRRE AREEE THEYYYYY! RAAACHAEEELLLL!!!' Sooooo because they all look the same they must be clones? Seems legit. Well if you want to impress people at your next party you can tell them penguins are not sexually dimorphic, meaning it’s hard to tell the males and females apart just by looking at them. Basically all penguins of the same species will look identical on the outside, aside from slight variations in height, weight, or feather pattern (like the dots on the belly of an African penguin). This old man was CONVINCED we were part of a mad-scientist’s scheme to create a penguin army. Now that I think of it, Batman Returns had this exact scenario play out. Wait a sec…Penguins with rocket launchers?!? AWESOME! I’ll put together a Go Fund Me.
“Why don’t they just fly away?”
This one holds a special place in my heart. Penguins are birds. Birds can fly. I can understand the thought process. This woman was so purely and innocently amazed these penguins didn’t just up and fly out this bitch, full on flying V out the front door into the skies of downtown Boston. Imagine seeing a waddle (yes, waddle) of penguins perched atop Faneuil Hall… swooping down and stealing street sausages out of people’s hands at 2:00am. I’ve got a goofy smile on my face just thinking about it. I couldn’t be mean to her. I really wanted to but I couldn’t. I calmly explained that penguins are flightless birds, much like the ostrich or kiwi. She heard me, but I don’t think she heard me. Somewhere, out there, is a woman. A woman who still thinks penguins can fly and just choose not to. A woman who isn’t afraid to dream big and just imagine. A woman who probably dropped out of 2nd grade. ![]()
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So there’s this website (http://either.io/) that spits out random this or that scenarios. Like ‘Would you rather have an extra finger on each hand or an extra toe on each foot?’ You’ve probably played this game in grade school over a carton of milk and some Dunkaroos. Or perhaps drunk on Rosé and 30-something. It’s a distant cousin of the ‘Would you do X for a million dollars?’ game. Same idea. Anyhoo, I thought I’d tackle the first couple of questions I was asked and give you my spur-of-the-moment answers and impressions. YAY GAMES! I’m a scientist. It’s what I do. So let’s break this down logically. According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH.gov), the average person sweats about a quart of fluid a day. Ok… that’s AVERAGE. Now, I’m a pretty active dude. I’m assuming I sweat AT LEAST 3x more than average. Between the gym, walking around town, being crammed on the red line like a sardine, coffee sweats, wearing rubber gloves and a lab coat for 5 hours, squeezing my buns into a wetsuit, freaking out over Game of Thrones season finales, raging at Dark Souls… no way I sweat less than a gallon per day. We're talking thick, sticky, purple/pink disgusting jam, not clear easily evaporable fluids. It’s a clogged pore nightmare for your poor, poor pores. Could you imagine just constantly leaking strawberry Smucker’s 24/7? Under your arms, in between fat folds and butt cracks? All set with that. How could you even sleep at night or flirt with someone covered in goo? Do you know how many undershirts I’ve ruined just thinking about approaching a girl and then not following through with it? 6. #TeamDustpan. I’m sure I could get surgery if I really wanted to. At least I’d make a good housewife. This makes me question humanity. Jam sweat... Really... I’m considering shoes to be anything solid that covers your foot. Not wearing shoes is some primordial stuff. I’d shower in shoes if it didn’t ruin them. Last time I walked around barefoot was probably when I was still wearing pull-ups and uttering phrases like “Will you trade me your Charizard for Mr. Mime and Hitmonchan?” Bad example, I still say that. You’re either a shoe guy or you’re not. No in-betweensies. I’m a shoe guy. Most things in life associated with red are not good. Stop signs/lights, skin rashes, blood, McIntosh apples, Santa, clown noses, Communism, tomatoes. Two exceptions: 1) Darth Vader’s lightsaber (the red part you wouldn’t actually touch or want to touch) and 2) red wine. I could manage without red wine. I could not manage with disgusting black scabby feet/toenails or without some solid Cole Haans in my life. NO NO NO NO WAITTT... Does clicking red things count?!? Damn, they got me. Ingredient-wise waffles and pancakes are essentially the same thing. You’ve got your flour, milk, eggs, butter etc. This is simply a matter of surface area. Which of the two is going to give me maximum topping fillage? That my friends is the waffle. Every little square indent on a waffle is a new lease on life. Each one a tiny swimming pool for ants just waiting to be filled with syrupy, fruity, nutty goodness. If you have a friend with OCD you could have each square filled with a totally different ingredient and watch them freak out. Like 25 flavors on one waffle (how is this not a thing already… if it is WHERE IS IT?!?!?). Flat ass pancake over here can’t even absorb butter properly… just rolls off to the side of the plate like your dreams of becoming an astronaut or pro-wrestler. Little. Yellow. Different. Wow. Basically 50:50. Kind of like the odds your pancakes come out with the rest of your meal. And a fun one to close it out. Let’s face it, there are no winners here. The key word is uncontrollable. Anytime. Anyplace. Have to go diarrhea here. Vomit is something everyone will see. You can’t really walk around with a barf-bag strapped to your face all day or lugging around a puke bucket. You’ll get some looks. Vomit is too variable. Sometimes you get huge chunks followed by a fine mist, other times you get a few drops of bile that burn your throat like the fires of Mordor. You know what you’re getting with diarrhea. It will smell terrible, it will be wet, and it’s coming out HOT. You never diarrhea ‘a little bit’. And at least things are supposed to come out of your butthole. There's also some behind the scenes prep work available to downplay the fact you just crapped yourself. Adult diapers exist. Lining your pants with toilet paper, baby powder, those blue absorbent sheets you use for spills, tripling up on underwear, air fresheners, Glade etc. Shorts are out, but it's a small price to pay. Sure you'll feel uncomfortable with a load in your pants during a two-hour business meeting, but there's like a 5% chance you go unnoticed if you did your prep work. This was fun. I'll do more sometime.
Go into any local New England bar past 11:00 pm and you’ll likely hear some classic comedy movie quotes… Bro #1: Suh dude. Bro #2: Suh dude. Total sausage mixer tonight yo. Bro #1: Yeah, kehd. Except for those girls over there yo. Are they even 21 dude? Bro #2: "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older. They stay the same age." *BRO HIGH FIVE* …You know like from ‘Dazed and Confused’. Classic! McConaughey, Affleck, keg party, paddle hazing… COME ON PEOPLE! But everyone knows the classics. I’m here to remind you about some of the lesser known, underappreciated, or often overlooked comedies and the small nuggets of comedic gold they are holding deep within their bowels... Lines my friends and I tend to shout at all hours of the day. “That’s a huge bitch!” – Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo This is a classic late 90’s comedy film, and an underappreciated quote gold mine. I love it primarily because I could actually see myself as an aquarium repairman/fish rescue guy. That’s pretty much all a degree in marine biology from a state school is good for. This quote can be used in almost any every-day scenario involving something larger than what’s considered normal. Could be just a tad bigger, or 1000 times bigger. Screaming this line exactly the way the dude in the movie does is so much fun. Guy/girl/inanimate object… doesn’t matter! Opt for the large coffee instead of a small this morning? THAT’S A HUUUUGE BITCH! Fat dude on the subway taking up 3 seats with each butt cheek? THAT’S A HUUUUGE BITCH! Just get your heating bill for January? THAT’S A HUUUUGE BITCH! You get the idea. “Suck me beautiful.” – American Pie Three out of five Bieber heads to anyone who has actually tried this. Five out of five Bieber heads if it actually worked. Granted American Pie is a pretty well-known comedy, this line tends to get lost in the shuffle that is pie desecration, band geeks, and a webcam strip tease. I like to toss this line around as an expression of pleasant surprise more so than using it in its literal form. Example: *Gets e-mail from work saying the office is closed due to significant Nor’Easter* “No work today? Well, SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL! STAR WARS MARATHON AND SWEATPANTS!” “This wedding is horseshit!” – Step Brothers You can use this line literally anytime things aren’t going your way or you’re not happy with the current situation. Best part, doesn’t even have to be at a wedding. So I’m big into Star Wars: Battlefront (shocking) which is just like Call of Duty except replace the bullets with lasers and unrealistic warfare with uber-unrealistic warfare. So I’m getting absolutely murdered every two seconds, the connection is terrible, lag-city, my team sucks, we lose… total disaster. So what did I do? I said loudly and firmly “F*ck it, this wedding is horseshit”, turned the Xbox off, slammed the controller down, and went downstairs to watch Jeopardy. See what I did there? I wasn’t actually AT a wedding, but you still got the message. I was upset. I would not let my K:D ratio suffer due to the incompetence of inferior Battlefront players. “Fink’s got the Eye of the Jew!” – Beerfest This line is not about you. It’s how you let the world know that your boy is absolutely killing it. Nailing every shot in beer pong. Getting all the girls. Getting that tax filing extension. Sneaking his own food into the movies without getting caught. Just crushing life. You stand up and yell at the top of your lungs “HEY! EVERYBODY! FINK’S GOT THE EYE OF THE JEW!!!” Is your friend named Fink? Hopefully not. Is he Jewish? Maybe. But everyone around you now knows to stand at least 100 feet away from your boy, unless you’re comfortable being in the Shamu splash zone. “You see Ronnie, his dick is the gun.” – Role Models You know when you try to explain something to someone 85 different ways and they still don’t get it? Well, the 86th time you try to explain it is when you hit them with this line from Role Models.
Scenario A: (worst case) They still have no idea what you are talking about and also don’t get the reference. Scenario B: (mid-level enjoyment) They understand the movie reference and you both get a good chuckle, but the original conundrum is still unresolved. Scenario C: (best for content) They think that the answer to the original conundrum is literally that someone’s dick is a gun.
Let’s just get this out of the way: The Rock is my favorite pro wrestler of all time.
I’m an attitude era guy. I grew up watching The Rock, Austin, Mick Foley, HHH, Angle, Edge, Jericho and the bunch every Thursday night on a crappy bunny-ear Toshiba TV (back when Smackdown aired on UPN 38). Damn picture always got scrambled during the Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie gravy match. Oh but I remember being in middle school and finally figuring out what The Rock meant when he asked the ladies if they wanted to try his *ahem* strudel. Was The Rock the best technical/pure wrestler? No, not like Bret Hart, Benoit or Guerrero. Did he get huge pops? Sure, but Austin got pops just as huge and sold 1000x more merch than anyone in the business. But in my humble opinion, Rocky was the best all-around entertainer of the bunch. Only Ric Flair and a select few superstars could even hold a candle to his skills on the mic. Dude knew how to work a crowd. Even as heel Rock people couldn’t help but laugh and cheer (cue Rock with guitar at a 'Rock' concert. LOL PUNZ). There are so many killer Rock skits, promos, backstage and in-ring moments it’s near impossible to pick just a few. Regardless, here are 5 of my personal favorites from back in the day.
Rock and Coach: Barry Manilow and Microphone Issues
Rock and Coachman had some of the best interviews. Hilarious every time. I like this one in particular because it doesn’t go exactly as planned, (i.e. mic coming unplugged) but Rock shows off some great improv skills. I die every time Rock sings Copacabana. Rewound that clip 15 times. Even sped it up and slowed it down. Lol’d at every speed.
Rock vs. Jericho: Raw 2000
Jericho was one of the few superstars who could hold his own with The Rock during promos. Give both of them microphones (or just one to fight over) and you get an instant classic. These dudes had some killer promos together (check out the time they double teamed Stephanie… with words, with words, sorry). The back-and-forth of it, stealing each other’s catchphrases and expressions... just two charismatic motherfluffers with poor Michael aka Mitchell Cole stuck in the middle of a testosterone sandwich. Rock rattling off members of Jericho’s family tree never gets old. It’s in Boston to boot! *Throws up gang sign* ![]()
1999 Feud with Billy Gunn: ‘God’ Promo
Laugh out loud funny. Legit giggle-farted at my desk watching this one again. I like to imagine the real God uses The Rock’s catchphrases. God: “Bob…” Billy Gunn: “But my name’s Billy!” God: “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOR NAME IS!” So good. The way he flips between voices is awesome. Watch this one and take it all in.
Rock vs. Brock: SummerSlam 2002
One of the last great promos by Rock towards the end of his full-time career. It was sad to watch the attitude era die a slow death from this point on, with the final nail in the coffin being WrestleMania 19 Rock v Stone Cold. A piece of the WWE walked out of the building with Stone Cold that night…regardless, another great Rocky promo. It’s amazing how many languages The Rock is fluent in. What a scholar.
Armageddon 2000: Rock v. Angle v. Rikishi v. Stone Cold v. Undertaker v. HHH
Saving the best for last, this might be my favorite Rock promo of all time. The Rock even invents a new word: ‘dangerousest’ (hey, he is human after all… 80% sure about that). But I mean you have Rock absolutely NAILING impressions of all of his opponents followed by some killer insults and that signature Rock snarl. His facial expressions alone give a better promo than Roman Reigns. And of course you can’t have a Rock promo without Rock calling Kevin Kelly an ugly hermaphrodite. The cadence. The crowd reaction. Awesome stuff. All hail the King of the Mic. ![]()
Bodybuilders. Strongmen. Hulk Hogan. Huuuuuge dudes who strut around in sleeveless shirts, grunting, sweating, flexing, posing and lugging around Mjolnir, Hammer of Thor. When most people think of the gym, they think of guys just like that. I’m sure many of you are getting a nervous rash already.
I was absolutely petrified the first time I ever stepped into a gym outside of school. Granted I was a decent athlete in high school, the world of bodybuilding/powerlifting was a completely new animal. Thoughts that went through my head... People are going to laugh at how weak/small/skinny I am. At 5’7” and 160lbs on a good day, I’ve never been the biggest guy. It was intimidating to see all of these Macho Man wannabees grunting and chugging white concoctions of powder and milk . I was afraid I’d just be in the way. I have no idea what I’m even doing/how machines work. Yep, there are some weird looking contraptions for sure. Medieval torture device/strap Theon Greyjoy to it kind of things (Not Theon, Reeeeeek). Am I really going to stand there and read the microscopic ‘instructions’ on these machines like I’m staring at paintings in an art gallery? NOOOOO thanks! It’s going to be too hard, and I’ll just give up anyway. Waste of money/time. Fact: It’s going to be a grind. No two ways about it (There’s a reason why there are so many New Year’s resolution memes). And yes, depending on where you go it can be expensive. As a beginner high school/college student I was definitely strapped for cash. I’ve learned a lot since I stepped foot into what was a World’s Gym at the time. The gym can be a scary place for a beginner. Here are some things I’ve learned to help you overcome your fear of fitness. Grab a protein shake and listen up. ![]()
What is your main objective?
There are obvious physical benefits to joining a gym i.e. increased strength and better aesthetics, but you’ll develop a mental toughness to boot. A man learns a lot about himself when he’s at the bottom of a squat with 315lbs on his back. It’s important to prioritize and set some goals before you even touch weights. Going into the gym without a plan of attack is like going to a job interview in your underwear. Not going to end well. Unless you're interviewing to be an underwear model. Do you want to lose weight and improve your aesthetic appeal? Try out some bodybuilding routines. Do you want to increase your overall strength? Try out powerlifting or strongman exercises. Training for a sport? Football, baseball etc.? Calisthenics and plyometrics are par for this. Each style of training has its differences. It’s up to you to identify what it is you want to get out of your training. Which brings be to my next point…
Do your research!!!
Let’s say you’ve decided “I want to drop a few pounds and put on a little muscle. Not saying I want to compete but I’d love to look better in a bathing suit!”. Sweet! You’ve identified what you want to accomplish! All gyms are not created equal. Some cater towards the serious athlete, whereas others are more commercial and appeal to those of us who just want to improve their all-around health (think LA Fitness, 24 Hour Fitness, some Gold’s Gyms or other ma and pa gyms). Heck there are even boxing gyms, MMA gyms, Crossfit gyms… you name it it’s probably out there. So you have a gym in mind. Now go take a tour! Are the locker rooms clean? Are the people friendly? Do they have trainers that are credibly certified? Is the equipment in good condition? Do they have the right equipment/facilities for your training? Is the price right for what you get? What’s the commitment plan? All questions that need to be and should be asked. Most gyms have a day pass or free trial period so don’t be afraid to give it a go for yourself! If there’s something you don’t like, there’s probably another gym nearby. Don’t be afraid to say NO!
The Power of Knowledge!
There’s always someone who knows more than you do about subject A or topic B. Working out is no exception. I thought I was THE MAN walking into a gym fresh out of high school. Cue Vince... ![]()
“YEAH DUDE I OWN THIS PLACE! MY SUPERIOR DIVISION 3 JUNIOR VARISTY FOOTBALL TRAINING IS ALL I NEED! WHO THE MAN NOW DAWG!!!???!”
Flash forward to me stuck under my generously loaded bench press bar. Not a good look when the desk lady is the one helping lift it off me. The good thing about today is information is EVERYWHERE! Now that you have a gym picked out and a training focus, here are some things you can do.
Keeping your mind on the task at hand!
You’ve made it this far. You have a plan, some fresh Nikes and a brand new gym membership. It’s time for your first workout! You may be feeling uncomfortable with yourself and how you look but remember: AT LEAST YOU ARE THERE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! That alone there is more than 90% of people can say. It can be scary, but here are some tips to stay focused and tell your brain to enjoy a nice big bowl of Shove-It-O's.
So there you have it. Stay tuned for more gym articles in the future, but this should at least help you make your first move. Yabadoo? Yabadoo indeed. |
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