Let’s be honest with each other. Pooping without a smartphone nowadays is torture. It’s where 99.9% of my Facebook stalking occurs. We all do it. Chances are if you notice a clever hashtag or pun on one of my Instagram photos I thought of it while taking a dump.
Believe it or not there was a time before smartphones. A time my old ass remembers quite well. “But Vic how on EARTH did you survive a crap sesh without a smartphone?!?!” Well, there were many ways… some of which may still be valid options in 2016.
Game Boy
We’re not talking fancy pants Game Boy Extreme Color HD 360 Turbo Laser Graphixxx 3000, we’re talking old school original Game Boy. The one that you could swap out for a door stop or use to replace a brick in your home’s foundation. The toilet is where I chose Charmander as my very first Pokémon and companion for life. It’s where I saved the Mana Tree in Final Fantasy Adventure and giggle farted myself silly as I romped through the levels of Kirby’s Dream Land. Sometimes I’d go sit on the toilet just to play and get away from the world for a while. Heck I’ve even rolled my TV and entire N64 rig into the bathroom to play while delivering a fresh brownies to the water children. And people say I’m a crappy gamer…
Rap Lyrics and Sick Disses
The toilet/shower is where I come up with some of my most imaginative creations. I’d sit there and think of killer rhymes so that if I was ever trapped in a rap battle I’d have some ammo in the clip. You’d never know when a rap battle walking would bust out in good old Wilmington High School. One of the two black kids could start dissing me at any minute. Dammed if I didn’t have some hot fire ready to spit. Example: Yo, check it yo. Cory Matthews, Boy Meets World and I’m dating Topenga. Knock your weak ass over like I lost at Jenga. Rolling dice, feeding mice, brains for science is my gift. Looks like you skip leg day bro, do you even LIFT?!?! *Drops Mic*
Homework
Yep. A little tutorage on the pooperage. Math. Science. History. Art. All of it. I’d bring in one of those foldable TV dinner trays and just have all of my stuff laid out. Calculator, notebooks, rulers, pencils, toilet paper. Like I said it’s where my brain juice really got flowing. Ha... flowing.
Toilet Books
You know those weird things that kind of look like a bunch of pieces of paper glued together? Those are books. Now I’m using the term ‘toilet books’ because there are certain books that are specifically for reading on the can. Something you can pick up, read a bit, and put back down without getting too invested. I’m not going to be rifling through Catcher in the Rye while I handle business… Holden Caulfield don’t take shit from NO ONE! One such book I remember was ‘The Zombie Survival Guide’ by Max Brooks. I’ll tell you what, with the teenage diet I had I’m the guy you want to be with during the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Who? Rick Grimes? I don’t follow.
Power Naps / Steam Room
These two usually went hand-in-hand. The power nap is truly a lost art. I’d duck into the bathroom for a few minutes and zonk out mid-deuce. What better time to recharge for 10-15 minutes? Dig your elbows into those thighs and make a little field goal for your face to rest in. Perfect. Now to kick it up a notch I’d turn the shower on as hot as it could go and steam up the room real nice. Instant sauna. I’d sit there and just contemplate life and my existence. Granted I realize now this was a complete and utter waste of water. The first bill for utilities I received living on my own ended that party real quick.
0 Comments
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… several minor Star Wars characters got absolutely shafted and seriously should have considered firing their agents. Here are a few such characters who pulled off some epic wins//fails without so much as a footnote in the credits.
R5-D4
If this little droid aka “Red” never blew its motivator, there’s a good chance C-3PO and R2-D2 never see each other again. Luke never would have seen the message from Leia that R2-D2 had stored away. Luke never meets Obi-Wan, Luke never learns about the Jedi, and the Empire blows up everything with the Death Star. At least Luke would have finally been able to swing by Tosche Station to grab those power converters and Netflix/chill with his friends. And hey maybe his aunt and uncle wouldn't have become shish kebobs. Side note: 'Bad Motivator' would be a killer name for a rapper.
Admiral Ozzel
Botch-A-Mania! *clap clap clap-clap-clap* Botch-A-Mania! *clap clap clap-clap-clap* Thanks to a heaping dose of ‘Oops, my bad bro!’ on account of Admiral Ozzel... Leia, Han, Luke and many other key members of the Rebel Alliance were able to escape during the invasion of Hoth. Ozzy was the one who initially doubted Vader’s prediction that Hoth was in fact the location of the hidden Rebel base. Even those dumb probe droids the Empire sent out got the answer right. Long story short, a few tactical miscalculations earned Admiral Ozzel a good old fashioned telekinetic execution at the hands of Darthy boy. Moral of the story: You can never probe enough.
The 2-1B droids who saved Anakin Skywalker
Granted they were following protocol, these bastards are the ones who resuscitated Anakin Skywalker after his bubble bath in lava and gave him his shiny new bionic Vader body parts. Basically they enabled Anakin to physically transform into Darth Vader. Imagine telling your 2-1B droid grandkids you were the one to stitch up the Dark Lord of the Sith? Awkwardddddddddd. Great way to get out of a droid family reunion though. Years later another 2-1B droid would save face a bit by giving Luke Skywalker his new robo-hand. WHICH SIDE ARE THEY ON?!?! I can deal with pure evil and angelically good on the scale of life, their actions are predictable… it’s those middle-er’s that scare me. Never quite know what they're thinking... Hey Darth, quick question. What do you think of Dark Souls 3?
Ditto.
Chief Chirpa
All hail the chief! Ewoks in general get the short end of the stick in Return of the Jedi. The word ‘Ewok’ itself is not spoken even once throughout THE ENTIRE MOVIE! Not one of them is ever addressed by name… and trust me there's some good ones. Wicket W. Warrick. Teebo and Paploo. Sound like law firms. Adorable fluffy law firms. So back to Chief Chirpa. This dude’s name should be in the history books with the likes of William Wallace and Hannibal as he pulled off one of the ultimate upsets in the history of warfare. I mean are you kidding? How did Chirpa organize this so well? A couple days earlier he was worshipping floating gold robots and whacking shit with sticks. A handful of rebel soldiers and some pissed off Care Bears armed with hang gliders, rocks and logs are able to defeat the IMPERIAL FORCES LED BY DARTH VADER!?! Wut. Has to be one of if not THE most significant battles in Star Wars. I mean it’s the battle where Darth Vader is ultimately defeated. Which brings me to my final character…
Nien Nunb
Remember that pancake-face looking dude next to Lando on the Millenium Falcon who mumbles things that sound like a slightly racist version of Chinese? That’s Nien Nunb. His lore and backstory is ridiculous, but in the actual movies his screen time is limited to a handful of minutes. But in those precious few minutes, oh man did he DO WORK!!! Nunb was first mate on the Millenium Falcon during the Battle of Endor. His job? Weapons and ordinance. NUNB FIRED THE SHOTS THAT BLEW UP THE SECOND FREAKIN’ DEATH STAR! And the movie is like “Ehhhhh, not important. Just make sure his giggle SFX are top notch.” I mean come on… this dude along with Chirpa put an end to the reign of the Galactic Empire! A fluffy two-foot-tall mutated squirrel and a giggling, derpy vagina-faced alien altered the course of the Star Wars galaxy forever. On second thought, I can see why they glossed over these characters. Han was a much sexier hero.
Tattoos have more or less become my thing, which is weird considering no one in my family has them. I didn't even think about getting one until my 22nd birthday. Don't know about you, but I was feeling 22. I’ve been an avid collector for 7 years now, during which I’ve amassed 20-something of varying shapes, sizes, and colors. Plus I'm a big fan of the artwork and artistry that goes into creating them. You can usually find me at tattoo shows/conventions cruising around just snagging paintings or flash sheets. There are some HELLA talented tattoo artists out there.
People are always asking about the stories behind my artwork… while subsequently stroking my arm like they’re made of braille. Comes with the territory. So let’s make a series out of it. VH1: Behind the Ink! And what better place to start than at the very beginning...
The year: 2009.
The place: A semi-shady spot in Billerica, MA - Sugar Skull Tattoo. The reason: Because I’m 22 and it will look sweet. There I am trying to think of what I want for my very first tattoo. “Well Vic, it has to be something you love! Something you care deeply about and holds great symbolic value. Something you will cherish for the rest of your life and proudly show off to your future grandkids. No regerts. Stories will be written about this tattoo in the history books. ‘THE MAN WITH THE RADDEST INK EVAH KEHD!’ OK I got it!” “A TRIBAL HAMMERHEAD SHARK!” I do love sharks… I did go to school for marine biology. I literally google ‘tribal hammerhead shark tattoo’ and print the first picture I come across. To Sugar Skull we go! The ink on the printer paper was still hot as I handed it over to the man who would do the deed. To protect his identity he will be referred to as 'The Butcher'.
Swung for the fences and went right for the tit. Two painful, selfie-filled and sweaty hours later it was done! The Butcher had tripled my chances at picking up chixxx on OkCupid.
“OH MY ISH DUDE SIQQQQQQQQQ!” I stared at that thing for hours in the mirror, flexing my non-existent upper pec like I was Arnold Effing Schwarzenegger. “GET TO THE CHOPPAH!! PUT THE COOKIE DOWN! DILLLLLLLLONNNNNNN!”
Flash forward to May of 2012. After three years of tattooage and a bit of reconnaissance work, I decided it was time to say goodbye to Mr. Sharky-Poo. I wouldn't say I regretted the shark tattoo… I just realized that it was a complete waste of prime canvas space. Had I initially placed it on my leg or something it may still be there today. But...It was time to move on to greener pastures (and significantly better artists/artwork).
With the help of a very talented tattoo artist by the name of Jebb Riley, we made the shark disappear and become part of something more elaborate and unique. I’ve always liked traditional style tattooing and opted for something big, bold, detailed and colorful. After two brutal 6 hour sessions (holy nipple burn Batman!), the task was complete!
End result: A beautifully detailed panther headdress. If you look closely you can see how the shark was weaved into the final image of the panther dude. What was once my lamest tattoo is now quite possibly my favorite of the bunch.
R.I.P. In Peace Mr. Sharky-Poo. Gone but never forgotten.
I’m 85% sure that people like Michael Jordan and Kenny Rogers don’t read my blog, so it’s safe to assume the majority of my readers are ‘normal’ everyday people. Sure we all probably do some cool shit and have some sweet hobbies (for me: penguin-sitting, pwning n00bs, powerlifting etc.) but we aren’t a bunch of Tony Starks flying around blowing up terrorists and riding rockets through giant butt-holes in the sky.
Imagine if a genie granted you one wish…You could choose one superpower straight out of a comic book to have for the rest of your life. What would the average Joe Shmoe choose? Super-strength? The ability to fly? Here are some arguments for what I consider to be the most practical options.
Object Conjuration
Think Green Lantern’s power ring. This is the ability to literally create something out of nothing… whatever you imagine becomes a physical reality, no matter how big or how small. Know what sucks? Waiting for a pen at a restaurant so you can sign your bill and split. Worry no more! Pop on your ring and imagine the dopest, sexiest ballpoint you can think of! Instant ink! Did you forget it was your girlfriend’s birthday again? Right before she gets mad just conjure up some Gucci, a better-looking more thoughtful boyfriend or a puppy to save your ass! Want to bang out of work early? Just imagine a horde of Nazi-zombies right outside the door! *Bonus: Watch your boss poop himself! You are only limited by your sick, twisted imagination. Only downside is you’ll have to recharge the ring. If it’s anything like my iPhone you’ll get a solid 20 minutes of use before a two hour recharge sesh.
Invisibility
It’s Monday. You drag your butt out of bed and into work. You punch in, say “Hey, how are you?” (you don’t give a shit how they are) to a few people to make sure your presence is known, grab some coffee, head to your desk, put your head down, and BOOM! You turn on invisibility. Let’s take a solid 45 minute nap before you get started…. …ZzzzZzzzzZzzzzzzzz… Turn off the invisibility around 10:00am, maybe do 20-30 minutes of actual work, and flip it back on when Cathy from accounting comes around to small talk about her dogs and daughter who just graduated from Harvard. Maybe go creep on the cute girl at the coffee shop during lunch. Come back, do little more work, flip the invisibility back on and duck out of work around 2:30. Flawless victory. U CAN'T C ME!!!!
Teleportation
Teleportation is the number one reason the ability to fly is the most overrated superpower of all time. Why not just cut out the middle man? Sure flying is a quick way of getting around... beats the hell out of sitting in rush hour traffic… but it still takes time and effort. We’re all a bunch of lazy bastards. Why not just instantly teleport to your destination? Just POOF! Aaaaaaand you’re on vacation in Aruba. No airports, no airplanes, no TSA anal probes… just sand, ocean, and margaritas. You would be the coolest guy at the bar hands down. Just warp behind the bar, grab your drinks, and warp out before anyone can even catch you. But please pay for the beer and leave a tip… no one likes a teleporting douche. And when you feel like your bladder is going to explode you don’t have to awkwardly squirm your way through all the 21-year-olds grinding on each other on the 4 foot by 4 foot ‘dance floor’ that was part of the kitchen 2 hours ago. Just warp your ass to the bathroom or near your ex’s car!
Omnilingulism
No clue if that’s a real word. Anyway, it’s the ability to speak any language. Human languages, dog languages, dolphin languages, robot languages, computer languages… you are a master of all forms of communication. You could literally go anywhere and do anything without acting like a complete touristy-asshat. Being on vacation and being able to read all the signs and maps and shit would be amazing. Whatever limits my time interacting with other humans is a plus. I don’t know about you but I always feel like people are talking shit about me whenever they bust out a foreign language. I’ve always wanted to dish it right back at them in whatever language they are speaking. And whenever my internet connection goes to shit I’d love to verbally coax it back to life. Like “Come on baby, give me the butter… Daddy wants to love you.” The day I’m able to have full on conversations with my Xbox is the last day you will ever see me.
Accelerated Healing / Regeneration
Three things I despise in this world: the dentist, medical bills, and papercuts. Don’t poke around in my mouth with sharp metal sticks, I hurt myself so please take all of my money, and ouch that stings like a bitch. Wolverine style healing would eliminate all of these issues. Goodbye out of pocket expenses! All that extra money I would normally spend on ibuprofen, glasses, x-rays, herpes cream and blood tests would go right into my pocket. CHA-CHING! I’ve said this before, but my average hangover nowadays lasts 48-72 hours. Not with a rapidly regenerating liver it won’t! Life of the party. Throwing down beers like it was going out of style. Actually wait… could I never get drunk? Eh, I could find a way around that. I’d almost give up drinking completely to never get a paper cut again.
Parties. Celebrations. Fiestas. General horseplay. Everyone wants an excuse to kick back, relax, and chug a few Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas. Luckily, 2016 presents ample opportunity to do some cool hoodrat stuff with your friends. Here are 10 obscure holidays I think you should know about.
May 11th: Eat What You Want Day
Had to post this blog today because this puppy is TOMORROW! Pretty sure 99% of America does this anyway, but now you have a justifiable excuse. Everything on the dollar menu at McDick’s? Go for it. Want to put the donut holes back into donuts so that they feel complete again before you devour them? Do it. Co-worker bugging you? Eat them. All legal tomorrow boys.
June 18th: National Splurge Day
Interpret this one as you will. I plan on blowing my yearly bonus on some limited edition Converse sneakers, a new phone and a dump truck full of Samoa Girl Scout Cookies. Go ahead and splurge all over life’s back.
July 13th: Embrace Your Geekiness Day
Ok guys, I’m going to cook Death Star waffles for breakfast before we marathon the original Star Wars trilogy on VHS! After that we’ll get some Settlers of Catan going, maybe a little Risk? Order some pizzas, chug some Mountain Dew Code Red, agro some Deathclaws, Shotty/snipes on Zanzibar, and then we’ll get ready for the superhero bar crawl! Cool? Awesome! Ok bring it in, bring it in… Han shot first on 3 ready???…. 1… 2…. 3… HAN SHOT FIRST!
July 14th: International Nude Day
The only logical follow-up to 'Embrace Your Geekiness Day'. When the clock strikes midnight drop those Xbox controllers and then drop those drawers!
August 17th: National Thrift Shop Day
What, what, whaaaat, what (x4). OHHHHH!!!
September 5th: Be Late for Something Day
I mean this one speaks for itself. Show up late for work and then leave whenever you normally would. Boss can’t do shit. Holiday bro.
October 12th: International Moment of Frustration Day
Not sure exactly what the deal is here. If I had to guess I would say it gives you a free pass to take out your frustration on something/someone with no repercussions. Like when you try to tell a story 3 different times only to get interrupted by the same dude all 3 times. Look him dead in the eye, declare audibly “This is my official moment of frustration via the verbiage and rules associated with International Moment of Frustration Day”, and then kick him square in the baby-makers. Nothing he can do. Unless of course being kicked in the junk is his official being frustrated moment. Happy holidays!
November 6th: Saxophone Day
Quite possibly the most underrated instrument of the past 100 years. Name a song that’s come out in the last century with saxophone that ISN’T good. ‘Talk Dirty’ by Jason Derulo? Fire jam. The Beastie Boys with ‘Brass Monkey’? Amazing. And who hasn’t boned to ‘Careless Whisper’? Embrace this brass beauty you saxy little thing you.
November 30th: Stay at Home Because You Are Well Day
Another legal day to skip work. “Hi I’m feeling too great/relaxed/happy to come to work today. I’ll be sunbathing on my porch and drinking.” You're wlecome.
December 5th: Day of the Ninja
Drerss up like a ninja, do ninja stuff. Sneak around your neighborhood strictly at night. Do hanging sit-ups from street lights and tree branches. Throw ninja stars at animals. Assassinate your local political figureheads. Again, all holiday legal. |
Archives
November 2016
Categories
|