Let’s be honest with each other. Pooping without a smartphone nowadays is torture. It’s where 99.9% of my Facebook stalking occurs. We all do it. Chances are if you notice a clever hashtag or pun on one of my Instagram photos I thought of it while taking a dump.
Believe it or not there was a time before smartphones. A time my old ass remembers quite well. “But Vic how on EARTH did you survive a crap sesh without a smartphone?!?!” Well, there were many ways… some of which may still be valid options in 2016. ![]()
Game Boy
We’re not talking fancy pants Game Boy Extreme Color HD 360 Turbo Laser Graphixxx 3000, we’re talking old school original Game Boy. The one that you could swap out for a door stop or use to replace a brick in your home’s foundation. The toilet is where I chose Charmander as my very first Pokémon and companion for life. It’s where I saved the Mana Tree in Final Fantasy Adventure and giggle farted myself silly as I romped through the levels of Kirby’s Dream Land. Sometimes I’d go sit on the toilet just to play and get away from the world for a while. Heck I’ve even rolled my TV and entire N64 rig into the bathroom to play while delivering a fresh brownies to the water children. And people say I’m a crappy gamer…
Rap Lyrics and Sick Disses
The toilet/shower is where I come up with some of my most imaginative creations. I’d sit there and think of killer rhymes so that if I was ever trapped in a rap battle I’d have some ammo in the clip. You’d never know when a rap battle walking would bust out in good old Wilmington High School. One of the two black kids could start dissing me at any minute. Dammed if I didn’t have some hot fire ready to spit. Example: Yo, check it yo. Cory Matthews, Boy Meets World and I’m dating Topenga. Knock your weak ass over like I lost at Jenga. Rolling dice, feeding mice, brains for science is my gift. Looks like you skip leg day bro, do you even LIFT?!?! *Drops Mic* ![]()
Homework
Yep. A little tutorage on the pooperage. Math. Science. History. Art. All of it. I’d bring in one of those foldable TV dinner trays and just have all of my stuff laid out. Calculator, notebooks, rulers, pencils, toilet paper. Like I said it’s where my brain juice really got flowing. Ha... flowing. ![]()
Toilet Books
You know those weird things that kind of look like a bunch of pieces of paper glued together? Those are books. Now I’m using the term ‘toilet books’ because there are certain books that are specifically for reading on the can. Something you can pick up, read a bit, and put back down without getting too invested. I’m not going to be rifling through Catcher in the Rye while I handle business… Holden Caulfield don’t take shit from NO ONE! One such book I remember was ‘The Zombie Survival Guide’ by Max Brooks. I’ll tell you what, with the teenage diet I had I’m the guy you want to be with during the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Who? Rick Grimes? I don’t follow.
Power Naps / Steam Room
These two usually went hand-in-hand. The power nap is truly a lost art. I’d duck into the bathroom for a few minutes and zonk out mid-deuce. What better time to recharge for 10-15 minutes? Dig your elbows into those thighs and make a little field goal for your face to rest in. Perfect. Now to kick it up a notch I’d turn the shower on as hot as it could go and steam up the room real nice. Instant sauna. I’d sit there and just contemplate life and my existence. Granted I realize now this was a complete and utter waste of water. The first bill for utilities I received living on my own ended that party real quick.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
November 2016
Categories
|