If it’s Monday-Thursday, chances are you’re having a bad day. Heck, even Friday can be a bitch if you’ve slacked all week. And Sunday. Sunday is the sneaky worst day because gets what’s next… MONDAY. What can you even do on Sunday? Get groceries? Can’t really go anywhere too far or stay out late unless you’re under the age of 23. Come to think of it 6 out of 7 days are absolutely horrid (I’m looking at you Saturday, you sexy son of a bitch). So, here are 5 YouTube videos to help get you through the gloom. They’re a mix of personal favorites, some of which you may have seen before. Ahhhh but they never get old no matter how many times you watch them. Have you ever had a dream like this? This kid is the embodiment of what I go through on Monday. I have no idea what’s going on. I’m not thinking about what I say before I say it… just puking words out and trying to Frankenstein them into sentences. I’m still hungover from SATURDAY night because my 29-year-old hangovers last 48 hours. This kid is relatable. I feel like he is now my son. I love you son. And he’s so adorably happy when he finally reaches the end of his 18 second sentence. BONUS: Enjoy the remixes. You knew they were coming. Pickwick Dancing Granny That awkward moment when a woman 3x your age has 20x the dance moves. I mean this is just pure bliss, zero-effs given. I pray I’m able to just stand up and fetch a box of Honey Nut Cheerios without crapping my pants at her age. DEM MOVES DOE! She air humps the floor for a solid 20 seconds without managing to break every bone in her body. The Thai Chi/Kabuki inspired marching, the bum wiggles, the bucket hat. Puts a smile on my face every time. Pump it up Granny, PUMP IT! Reaction to Drugs for Broken Arm There are a lot of ‘reaction to drug’ videos out there in the vain of David at the Dentist… but this one speaks to me. Let’s look at all of the key comedic elements that land right in my wheelhouse: - Batman references. - Hitting on the cute nurse. - The inability to control your own body. - Witty one-liners. - A rollercoaster of emotions. All-around a solid 5-minute journey that takes you from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. “I thought I could see my air. That’s a letdown.” Story of my life. Grape Lady Falls People falling never gets old, and this is no exception. I believe in social justice. I like when people get a fat, heaping dose of karma. Look how cocky she gets around the 0:52 mark when she yells “STOP!” and then tries to cheat. Well guess what?!? BOOM TELL ME HOW THAT DIRT TASTE!!! BOOYAKA BOOYAKA! The sounds that proceed to come out of her are not human. Is this a news report or an exorcism? I need an old priest and a young priest! And those fake-concerned news reporters at the end. Gold. You know it's good when it shows up on Family Guy. Thumbs up For Rock and Roll Introducing the most confident and charismatic kid on the planet. How do you not absolutely crush life and smash through walls Kool-Aid style after watching this? If I was half as optimistic as this kid I’d be leading a team of astronauts on Earth’s first manned mission to Planet Zabbrathar in the Quixong Galaxy. This is my go to pump up video. Before the big game/date/presentation just fire up this bad boy and you’re good to go! The flag waving proudly in the background. Just perfect. Screw you Ray Lewis motivational speech, you killed a guy. I feel happy of myself.
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I’m a Nintendo kid. Legendary game developer Shigeru Miyamoto came to Boston on a business trip back in 1986, knocked up a few chicks, and then I popped out. Jon Snow is to Ned Stark as Victor is to Shigeru Miyamoto. How many times can I say ‘Shigeru Miyamoto’ in the opening paragraph? Shigeru Miyamoto. Four.
Gaming is bigger and better than ever. Just go to PAX or E3 and see for yourself. The graphics, sound systems, storytelling and overall quality of games today makes the original NES Zelda look like it was created by preschooler who ate nothing but paint chips and huffed Elmer’s glue. This got me thinking… which games from my childhood would benefit from a reboot using today’s technological advancements? ![]()
Star Wars: Rogue Squadron
I’ve dreamed about owning a real TIE Fighter since I slid out of the womb backwards. I mean could you imagine instead of your first car at 16 years old you got a frickin’ TIE FIGTHER!!! Heading off to freshman year of high school like “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Quite literally I had a blast playing this game and its GameCube successor. I needed to unlock all the ships, beat all the records, and blow up everything I could. Everyone who loves Star Wars dreams of flying the space ships around… but looking back on it the graphics are complete shit. It looks like you’re firing red hexagonal hot dogs out of a washing machine. And the voices… damn the voices. Like trying to talk with a mouthful of marbles and peanut butter. This game rebooted would be amazing. If you’ve played fighter squadron mode on Star Wars: Battlefront you can see the potential. Give me a full game with updated graphics and sound effects. I want all the ships. I want a butt-ton of unlockables. I want ship customization. I want a single player campaign. I want a Rebel and Imperial storyline. I want DLC. All the things. Give me the high school TIE Fighter I never had. ![]()
Pokémon Snap
Here’s the game you rented from Blockbuster and beat in one night. It was a dumb concept really. Glide around on a fixed track and take fake pictures of fake Pokémon that do the same thing every time? What?! But holy crapsticks was I surprised at how fun and addicting it was. Must…get…the perfect…picture… Bashing Pokémon in the face with apples is one of the most satisfying actions in video game history. And getting them lined up in ‘suggestive’ poses while you snap away and waste half of your film trying to get the perfect angle. Pokeporn: Gotta Tap ‘em All! A reboot would probably be hit or miss. If they somehow managed to smuggle all 12351653 Pokémon that now exist in there and make it more ‘open-world’ I think it could be pretty fun. This is more or less on the list for selfish reasons. I just need to know. Even if it pulls a Titanic, I need to know.
X-Men Arcade Game
If you’ve been in a Chuck E’ Cheese or local arcade (hey remember those!) you’ve most likely played or at least seen this beast. And what a beautiful dual-screen-boxy-ass beast it was. If I saved all the quarters I pumped into that thing I could probably buy my own island and chill with Sir Richard Branson. Nothing like a good old fashioned beat ‘em up trouncing around as your favorite X-Men characters pulling off super moves like Nightcrawlers’ teleport dash! Smashing Sentinels and taking names! Come to think of it, this game would hold up pretty well today. The graphics and voice acting were spot on for 1992. I’d be happy if they just ported this game to XBOX. Maybe add some more characters, a few costume changes, clean up the audio, throw in some levels based off of the recent films. More mindless fun please! ![]()
Pilot Wings 64
In a world full of violent, stressful, hemorrhage inducing video games it would be nice to have one that lets you just chillllllllllll brah. I present to you: Pilot Wings! What an underrated gem this was. Strap on a jetpack and just fly around popping balloons or say screw the mission and just go sightseeing. Maybe hang-glide into the side of a building or moon bounce across a carnival. So relaxing! What would be totally awesome is if in a reboot they recreated some iconic cities and locations you could just fly around at your leisure. Maybe toss in a few Scuba/underwater scenes. But please keep the human cannon. I really want to blast myself into the Great Wall of China screaming out something badass in Mongolian. ![]()
Turok
If you were ever male at one point in your life, you liked dinosaurs. Don’t tell me you didn’t. I was a big Pachycephalosaurus guy… one because I felt cool being able to pronounce it and two because that bitch just head-butted stuff when he got upset. I’ve seen Turok on a lot of other people’s lists as well, and for good reason. An FPS that involves a time-traveling hero running around hunting dinosaurs?!?! Endless nerd-gasms. There was an attempt at a reboot in 2008 but it stunk pretty bad. Trust me I tried it. I don’t want to give up on this franchise because the concept is so simple and brilliant. Imagine something like Call of Duty meets Halo meets Jurassic Park. If a studio could nail down the gameplay and mechanics it would be AMAZING! So much potential! The campaign, the weapons, the multiplayer gameplay! How about a mode with two teams: humans versus dinosaurs!!! Sign me up. How about a version of the game for the new virtual reality headsets they have coming out? You hear the sound of some leaves rustling around behind you, whip your head around and BOOM! RAPTOR ATTACK!!!! Man oh man, I’d have to wear a bathing suit and stand in kitty litter just to play. ![]() |
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