I’m 85% sure that people like Michael Jordan and Kenny Rogers don’t read my blog, so it’s safe to assume the majority of my readers are ‘normal’ everyday people. Sure we all probably do some cool shit and have some sweet hobbies (for me: penguin-sitting, pwning n00bs, powerlifting etc.) but we aren’t a bunch of Tony Starks flying around blowing up terrorists and riding rockets through giant butt-holes in the sky.
Imagine if a genie granted you one wish…You could choose one superpower straight out of a comic book to have for the rest of your life. What would the average Joe Shmoe choose? Super-strength? The ability to fly? Here are some arguments for what I consider to be the most practical options. ![]()
Object Conjuration
Think Green Lantern’s power ring. This is the ability to literally create something out of nothing… whatever you imagine becomes a physical reality, no matter how big or how small. Know what sucks? Waiting for a pen at a restaurant so you can sign your bill and split. Worry no more! Pop on your ring and imagine the dopest, sexiest ballpoint you can think of! Instant ink! Did you forget it was your girlfriend’s birthday again? Right before she gets mad just conjure up some Gucci, a better-looking more thoughtful boyfriend or a puppy to save your ass! Want to bang out of work early? Just imagine a horde of Nazi-zombies right outside the door! *Bonus: Watch your boss poop himself! You are only limited by your sick, twisted imagination. Only downside is you’ll have to recharge the ring. If it’s anything like my iPhone you’ll get a solid 20 minutes of use before a two hour recharge sesh.
Invisibility
It’s Monday. You drag your butt out of bed and into work. You punch in, say “Hey, how are you?” (you don’t give a shit how they are) to a few people to make sure your presence is known, grab some coffee, head to your desk, put your head down, and BOOM! You turn on invisibility. Let’s take a solid 45 minute nap before you get started…. …ZzzzZzzzzZzzzzzzzz… Turn off the invisibility around 10:00am, maybe do 20-30 minutes of actual work, and flip it back on when Cathy from accounting comes around to small talk about her dogs and daughter who just graduated from Harvard. Maybe go creep on the cute girl at the coffee shop during lunch. Come back, do little more work, flip the invisibility back on and duck out of work around 2:30. Flawless victory. U CAN'T C ME!!!! ![]() ![]()
Teleportation
Teleportation is the number one reason the ability to fly is the most overrated superpower of all time. Why not just cut out the middle man? Sure flying is a quick way of getting around... beats the hell out of sitting in rush hour traffic… but it still takes time and effort. We’re all a bunch of lazy bastards. Why not just instantly teleport to your destination? Just POOF! Aaaaaaand you’re on vacation in Aruba. No airports, no airplanes, no TSA anal probes… just sand, ocean, and margaritas. You would be the coolest guy at the bar hands down. Just warp behind the bar, grab your drinks, and warp out before anyone can even catch you. But please pay for the beer and leave a tip… no one likes a teleporting douche. And when you feel like your bladder is going to explode you don’t have to awkwardly squirm your way through all the 21-year-olds grinding on each other on the 4 foot by 4 foot ‘dance floor’ that was part of the kitchen 2 hours ago. Just warp your ass to the bathroom or near your ex’s car! ![]()
Omnilingulism
No clue if that’s a real word. Anyway, it’s the ability to speak any language. Human languages, dog languages, dolphin languages, robot languages, computer languages… you are a master of all forms of communication. You could literally go anywhere and do anything without acting like a complete touristy-asshat. Being on vacation and being able to read all the signs and maps and shit would be amazing. Whatever limits my time interacting with other humans is a plus. I don’t know about you but I always feel like people are talking shit about me whenever they bust out a foreign language. I’ve always wanted to dish it right back at them in whatever language they are speaking. And whenever my internet connection goes to shit I’d love to verbally coax it back to life. Like “Come on baby, give me the butter… Daddy wants to love you.” The day I’m able to have full on conversations with my Xbox is the last day you will ever see me.
Accelerated Healing / Regeneration
Three things I despise in this world: the dentist, medical bills, and papercuts. Don’t poke around in my mouth with sharp metal sticks, I hurt myself so please take all of my money, and ouch that stings like a bitch. Wolverine style healing would eliminate all of these issues. Goodbye out of pocket expenses! All that extra money I would normally spend on ibuprofen, glasses, x-rays, herpes cream and blood tests would go right into my pocket. CHA-CHING! I’ve said this before, but my average hangover nowadays lasts 48-72 hours. Not with a rapidly regenerating liver it won’t! Life of the party. Throwing down beers like it was going out of style. Actually wait… could I never get drunk? Eh, I could find a way around that. I’d almost give up drinking completely to never get a paper cut again.
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