Welcome back to another exciting edition of 'This or That?' with our good buddies over at Either.io. And hey whaddya know... my first repeat blog! LOOK MAH I FINALLY MADE IT!!!
Sit back. Relax. Grab a sandwich and prepare for the hottest of takes.
Yikes, tough one. Would I rather legit have no soul or just look like I have no soul? Well you can always dye your hair if you're OK with having no soul. I do have one but it's so tarnished after 29 years of life that there's no chance I'm taking the elevator up if you know what I mean. Plus I like the sun and outdoor activities too much to be albino. Not a huge melanoma guy.
I'm not aware of any reverse Michael Jackson skin cream, and if it does exist I'm sure it's expensive. Definitely DO NOT want any Walter White style acid skin baths. Too much could go wrong. I'm totally cool with snagging some Just For Men at CVS for $10. ![]()
Yo, listen up here's a story...
Somebody once told me the world was gunna roll me. I get knocked down, and I get up again. You're never gunna keep ME down! I believe in a thing called love... do YOU believe in love after love? Imagine all the people. What if God was one of US?! Just a slob like one of us... When I die, bury me in the booty club.
Lyrics are just too much fun.
Right, now here is where the generation gap comes into play. Everyone my age is going right for Mario Kart. They 100% want to fly up and down I-93 in a go-kart and chuck spikey turtle shells and explosive blocks at other drivers dressed as dinosaurs, mutated mushrooms and princesses.
All of you 1995+ birth types are going the other way... "Mario Kart?! Oh you mean Mario Kart 8 for the Wii U?" No, I mean OG SNES Mario Kart and MK64. Less bits, more grit. I still don't really even know what Minecraft is and I consider myself to be pretty hip to the gaming world. As far as I know you just run around collecting material and building stuff. Oh you mean like REAL LIFE?! Running around collecting paychecks to build a mother fluffing FUTURE for your UNBORN CHILDREN and WIFE TO BE NAMED LATER!?! Give me the banana peels and fat plumbers.
The first step is finding someone to live with who actually puts the toilet paper back onto the toilet paper holder. You know who you are...
With that out of the way, here are my 3 arguments for away from the wall TP. 1) Time Saver - Your hand has to travel an extra 2-3 inches with facing the wall TP. Time is precious people. It may only be saving 0.5 seconds of time, but that shit adds up! (pun intended). Let's say you poop once a day... 0.5 seconds x 365 days per year = 182.5 seconds per YEAR! That's a full 3 minutes of life you are wasting per year just by reaching for toilet paper. 2) Sanitation - Pooping is messy. I don't care how careful you are there are going to be poo particles on your hand. When you reach for that 'facing the wall' paper your hand is bumping the wall, maybe the actual TP holder or even the bulk of the roll itself as you fumble for the next sheet. Just get it all nice and contaminated for the next oblivious pooper. Which brings me to... 3) Readily Available - Facing away from the wall, the next sheet of available TP is always in plain sight. There it is, give it to me so I can wipe and get out of here. Pooping is mentally taxing enough, I don't want to be freaking out over where the paper is. God forbid the next piece of paper gets stuck out of sight behind the roll with you facing the wall types. Then you're fumbling around for it like trying to find the start of a roll of scotch tape. Now you're wasting even more time, and that shit ain't gunna wipe itself.
Great segway from the TP/pooping question.
Think about all of the things you smell on a day-to-day basis. Sure there are some lovely scents out there... coffee in the morning, flowers and fresh cut grass in the springtime. But 95% of the odors invading your face holes are abysmal. For me: the subway, sweaty gym dudes, chemicals at work, penguin shit, the Charles River. Do I want all of that garbage amplified? No thanks. I could do without having to wear glasses or contacts or having my pupils zapped with laser beams. I'd be happy with just normal human sight let alone eagle vision. How about normal human vision and NO sense of smell? Done deal.
Part 3 coming soon! And by soon I mean whenever I run out of my own ideas.
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