Listen up dudes of the Greater New England area. Dating apps are out there, and for better or worse they've become a bit more of the norm in 2016. If you've never experienced the horrors of online dating (or have and want to make sure you're not insane) let me help you break it down with some pie charts. Everyone loves pie.
And ladies, if you're looking for a male perspective, take a dive into these totally 100% backed by science charts and analysis.
Primary Profile Photo (AKA First Impression Photo AKA The Decider)
'Lawn on D' Shot - I swear it's like 1 out of every 10 profile pictures. Must be the girl version of the 'action sport / gym mirror selfie' shot. Group Photo - Automatic left swipe. Don't have the time to figure out where Waldo is. Photo with Mom - If you have a hot mom, that bodes well for you. If she isn't…so that's what you're going to look like in 25 years? Abort mission. Photo with a Pet - Awwww hey pupppppyyyyy! WHO'S A GOOD BOOSHY SMOOSHY BOOSHY!?! Holding WIne - I'm all for some Pinot. Could be worse. Actual Nice Headshot - YES! THANK YOU! I CAN ACTUALLY SEE YOUR FACE AND I KNOW WHO I'M DEALING WITH!
If They Send The First Message (HUGE if...)
'Hi' or 'Hey There' - SO MANY girls have the following statement in their profile "Please don't bother messaging me if all you're going to say is 'Hi'" Ummmmm, ditto. Nice to 'Meet' You - All I can picture is the girl doing air quotes when she says meet. You don't knowwwww me. A 1000 Word Essay - Literally a short story describing everything they've done in the past 24 hours. Not only will I not respond, it is super creepy to give all of that information away to a COMPLETE STRANGER. Emojis - What are you 10? Actually Read Your Profile - Kudos to these fine ladies who actually read what you have written and made an effort to make contact you in a thoughtful manner. Sadly, they are few and far between.
The Best Time To Get A Match
From February 7th-14th watch those matches pile up like a giant car crash on an icy road. ![]()
What's The Catch?
Have A Kid - Not necessarily a deal breaker, but it's auto-reassess territory. Maybe it's her niece?! Wishful thinking. Actually a Dude - Welcome to 2016. Doctors can do some crazy shit. Not Them, Looking For A Friend - Here's a crazy idea, how about your FRIEND sets up the profile! Is this even legal? It's like false advertising right? Someone call James Sokolove. Just Wants A Friend - LOL. GTFO. Catfish - If it's too good to be true, it's a fish. The best is when they blatantly use celebrity pictures. I've matched with Keira Knightley like 16 times.
Will I Get A Date?
Ok so this one is actually true. According to the Pew Research Center (www.pewresearch.org) about 33% of online daters still have not gone on a date with someone they met online. Online dating is more socially accepted now than ever before. Granted I have no idea what kind of people would actually respond to a poll asking them if they've been on a date with someone they met online. I wouldn't. But keep your chin up if you're in the 33%…it was 56% ten years ago when they first took the poll (whatever that's worth)! Keep swiping stud muffin, you'll get there eventually.
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