So there’s this website (http://either.io/) that spits out random this or that scenarios. Like ‘Would you rather have an extra finger on each hand or an extra toe on each foot?’ You’ve probably played this game in grade school over a carton of milk and some Dunkaroos. Or perhaps drunk on Rosé and 30-something. It’s a distant cousin of the ‘Would you do X for a million dollars?’ game. Same idea. Anyhoo, I thought I’d tackle the first couple of questions I was asked and give you my spur-of-the-moment answers and impressions. YAY GAMES! I’m a scientist. It’s what I do. So let’s break this down logically. According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH.gov), the average person sweats about a quart of fluid a day. Ok… that’s AVERAGE. Now, I’m a pretty active dude. I’m assuming I sweat AT LEAST 3x more than average. Between the gym, walking around town, being crammed on the red line like a sardine, coffee sweats, wearing rubber gloves and a lab coat for 5 hours, squeezing my buns into a wetsuit, freaking out over Game of Thrones season finales, raging at Dark Souls… no way I sweat less than a gallon per day. We're talking thick, sticky, purple/pink disgusting jam, not clear easily evaporable fluids. It’s a clogged pore nightmare for your poor, poor pores. Could you imagine just constantly leaking strawberry Smucker’s 24/7? Under your arms, in between fat folds and butt cracks? All set with that. How could you even sleep at night or flirt with someone covered in goo? Do you know how many undershirts I’ve ruined just thinking about approaching a girl and then not following through with it? 6. #TeamDustpan. I’m sure I could get surgery if I really wanted to. At least I’d make a good housewife. This makes me question humanity. Jam sweat... Really... I’m considering shoes to be anything solid that covers your foot. Not wearing shoes is some primordial stuff. I’d shower in shoes if it didn’t ruin them. Last time I walked around barefoot was probably when I was still wearing pull-ups and uttering phrases like “Will you trade me your Charizard for Mr. Mime and Hitmonchan?” Bad example, I still say that. You’re either a shoe guy or you’re not. No in-betweensies. I’m a shoe guy. Most things in life associated with red are not good. Stop signs/lights, skin rashes, blood, McIntosh apples, Santa, clown noses, Communism, tomatoes. Two exceptions: 1) Darth Vader’s lightsaber (the red part you wouldn’t actually touch or want to touch) and 2) red wine. I could manage without red wine. I could not manage with disgusting black scabby feet/toenails or without some solid Cole Haans in my life. NO NO NO NO WAITTT... Does clicking red things count?!? Damn, they got me. Ingredient-wise waffles and pancakes are essentially the same thing. You’ve got your flour, milk, eggs, butter etc. This is simply a matter of surface area. Which of the two is going to give me maximum topping fillage? That my friends is the waffle. Every little square indent on a waffle is a new lease on life. Each one a tiny swimming pool for ants just waiting to be filled with syrupy, fruity, nutty goodness. If you have a friend with OCD you could have each square filled with a totally different ingredient and watch them freak out. Like 25 flavors on one waffle (how is this not a thing already… if it is WHERE IS IT?!?!?). Flat ass pancake over here can’t even absorb butter properly… just rolls off to the side of the plate like your dreams of becoming an astronaut or pro-wrestler. Little. Yellow. Different. Wow. Basically 50:50. Kind of like the odds your pancakes come out with the rest of your meal. And a fun one to close it out. Let’s face it, there are no winners here. The key word is uncontrollable. Anytime. Anyplace. Have to go diarrhea here. Vomit is something everyone will see. You can’t really walk around with a barf-bag strapped to your face all day or lugging around a puke bucket. You’ll get some looks. Vomit is too variable. Sometimes you get huge chunks followed by a fine mist, other times you get a few drops of bile that burn your throat like the fires of Mordor. You know what you’re getting with diarrhea. It will smell terrible, it will be wet, and it’s coming out HOT. You never diarrhea ‘a little bit’. And at least things are supposed to come out of your butthole. There's also some behind the scenes prep work available to downplay the fact you just crapped yourself. Adult diapers exist. Lining your pants with toilet paper, baby powder, those blue absorbent sheets you use for spills, tripling up on underwear, air fresheners, Glade etc. Shorts are out, but it's a small price to pay. Sure you'll feel uncomfortable with a load in your pants during a two-hour business meeting, but there's like a 5% chance you go unnoticed if you did your prep work. This was fun. I'll do more sometime.
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