For those of you who don’t already know, I’m a volunteer at the New England Aquarium. I’ve been helping out with their penguin colonies going on 7 years now. It’s pretty rad. I’m surprised Mike Rowe hasn’t profiled me on ‘Dirty Jobs’ yet seeing as how I’m in the cold ass water about 4 hours each day dodging poo rockets and slinging cold dead fish for all the world to see.
I hear guests ask a lot of the same questions… “How cold is the water?” “What are you feeding them?” “How often do you clean the exhibit?” … and I can answer them 99% of the time. Once in a while someone asks me something so absurd that I freeze up or start stuttering like Porky Pig. “Wh wh wh wh, da, da, da, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmm…. I’m not sure but I can point you in the direction of the info desk**.” **Pro Tip: When in doubt, info desk. Here are a few of the dumbest/weirdest/most baffling questions I’ve been asked about our penguins. Believe me this is not the full list. Not by a long shot.
“What kind of whales are these?”
We don’t even have whales. There’s a whale skeleton. You can go on a whale watch. We used to have dolphins which I guess look like baby whales, but the NEAQ ended the dolphin program in the mid 90’s. The lady who asked this looked me dead in the eye and pointed at some of the birds swimming by. Listen, you don’t have to be Jacques Cousteau to understand the difference between a penguin and a whale. Sweet Jesus in a handbasket, this question probably made Darwin spit coffee all over his casket. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she saw the whale skeleton hanging overhead and had a Freudian slip. Nope. When I asked “Sorry, could you repeat that I didn’t catch the whole question” she replied, “Those whales swimming around you, what species are they?” We are witnessing a BABY WHALE KEHD! OH MY GOD JAY!
“Do penguins fart?”
Cute one kid. Did you see the one with the pink bracelet fire a shit rocket three inches from my head? Use some logic dude. Do you eat food? Do you fart? Do you poop? Did you take a whiff of air in here before we started cleaning things? What are they teaching in grade school these days? Everyone knows female penguins don’t fart. ![]()
“Is that real water they’re swimming in?”
We’re just going to ignore that fact that aquariums tend to use real water to sustain the life of real animals that depend on real water to send real oxygen to their real tissues and organs or provide real food for their real stomachs. Here’s what I wish I said… “Actually it’s a synthetic bio-fluid pumped into the exhibit through a series of color coded crazy straws by our army of slave children from Taiwan located in our underground sweatshop, created to mimic actual saltwater since the Atlantic Ocean is totally not 100% right outside the door. Ever seen Star Wars? Think bacta tank.”
“Do you guys end up cloning them here or offsite somewhere?”
Kudos to you for thinking we have the technology to clone penguins right here in the New England Aquarium. Like we’re pumping them out of test tubes. I like that he thought there was no chance we didn’t clone them. ‘It’s going on SOMEWHERE DAMMIT! WHERRRE AREEE THEYYYYY! RAAACHAEEELLLL!!!' Sooooo because they all look the same they must be clones? Seems legit. Well if you want to impress people at your next party you can tell them penguins are not sexually dimorphic, meaning it’s hard to tell the males and females apart just by looking at them. Basically all penguins of the same species will look identical on the outside, aside from slight variations in height, weight, or feather pattern (like the dots on the belly of an African penguin). This old man was CONVINCED we were part of a mad-scientist’s scheme to create a penguin army. Now that I think of it, Batman Returns had this exact scenario play out. Wait a sec…Penguins with rocket launchers?!? AWESOME! I’ll put together a Go Fund Me.
“Why don’t they just fly away?”
This one holds a special place in my heart. Penguins are birds. Birds can fly. I can understand the thought process. This woman was so purely and innocently amazed these penguins didn’t just up and fly out this bitch, full on flying V out the front door into the skies of downtown Boston. Imagine seeing a waddle (yes, waddle) of penguins perched atop Faneuil Hall… swooping down and stealing street sausages out of people’s hands at 2:00am. I’ve got a goofy smile on my face just thinking about it. I couldn’t be mean to her. I really wanted to but I couldn’t. I calmly explained that penguins are flightless birds, much like the ostrich or kiwi. She heard me, but I don’t think she heard me. Somewhere, out there, is a woman. A woman who still thinks penguins can fly and just choose not to. A woman who isn’t afraid to dream big and just imagine. A woman who probably dropped out of 2nd grade. ![]()
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
November 2016
Categories
|