Smartphones are everywhere. People staring at smartphones are everywhere, completely oblivious to the world around them. You’ve probably checked your phone 12 times since you started reading this. Case in point. In a world where everyone is drowning amidst a sea of apps (aka iZombies, and a topic for another day), creeping on strangers, worrying about how many likes, retweets, shares, and follows they receive… it’s easy to see past the simple joys modern technology provides us right in the palm of our hands. Just grab your smart phone and let the giggle fits commence! How you ask? Let’s go to the tape…
Uber – Watching A Driver Make Wrong Turns.
The Uber app just on its own can provide seconds upon seconds of solid entertainment. Look at the little cars zip around! WEEEEEEEE! Oh cute they turned green for St. Patricks Day! TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA LADDIES! Provided you’re not in a rush, watching Uber drivers make wrong turns on their way to pick you up is hilarious. It’s like you are God watching down on these mere mortals via Google Maps: Christ Edition as they toil and ponder the meaning of life. Haha what a dumbass!!! Why did you go LEFT you MORON! It’s a ONE WAY! Have fun getting stuck in construction traffic for an extra 10 minutes lololololol!! Want to kick it up a notch? Here’s a fun game to play. It's called "Poor Route, Poor Driver". He takes a turn you don't like, or an inefficient route - CANCEL on his ass! Granted I have no idea if this affects your personal Uber score or if you still get charged somehow, but hey there's always Lyft! Live feed to your Uber driver... ![]() ![]()
Domino’s App - The Pizza Tracker
If you haven’t ordered a pizza online or on the app you don’t know what you’re missing. First of all you avoid any type of human interaction, which I love. But the joy of watching your precious pizza being created as the status bar fills from left to right; from the moment your pizza’s doughy crust is birthed from the womb of the mother crust is unparalleled. 9:00pm: I could go for some pizza, but I want a really weird combination of toppings and don’t want to talk to anyone because I’m embarrassed and they’d screw it up. I know! DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER! (Orders pizza with buff chix, pineapple, olives, anchovies, extra cheese and skittles). 9:15pm: Carlos put your pizza in the oven. OH MY GOD IT’S IN!!! 9:36pm: Carlos is now performing a quality check. Wow they really go the extra mile don’t they. 9:38pm: Your pizza is being prepared for delivery. 9:44pm: Amir is en route with your pizza. COME TO PAPA BABY! GET IN MY BELLY! 9:45pm: Refresh page. 9:46pm: Refresh page. 9:49pm: Refresh page. 9:50pm: Refresh page. 9:52pm: Refresh page. 9:55pm: Amir has delivered your Domino’s Pizza, enjoy! What? He hasn’t come yet! AMIR WHERE YOU AT?!? 9:56pm: *Ding, Dong* YEEEEEAAAAAAHSGDJSDGVGHSDFHGSD!!!!!! Also possibly cool is ordering pizza via emoji. Have not tried. Will confirm. ![]()
Text Messaging – ‘Read’ Notifications
Did your friend really not see/get your text? Or is he/she just ignoring you? Well, people who are dumb enough to leave the ‘delivered/read’ notifications on for their text messages are perfect targets for some good old fashioned trolling. After about the 10-minute mark of seeing that they read your message but haven’t responded, it is perfectly legal to start text bombing, emoji spamming… whatever. I see you read my message but have not responded. Here’s 500 poop emojis, one at time, every minute, on the minute. Get creative with it. Start texting as many swears as you can think of… make them up if you run out; just add ‘Mc’ to the beginning like McShitbutt or McBalls. Send them some links to your favorite adult websites/scenes. Send over some nudes, or a video of you humping their pillow or eating their leftovers. Text them something totally messed up like “Dude, I think you and I BOTH might have to get tested for herpes now!” *Bonus: They’re in a meeting. **Double Bonus: They have their phone on a table and someone else sees what you sent.
Siri – Making Her Refer To You as King/Queen/Master Etc.
As simple as it sounds. Pop open that app and go “Siri I want you to call me King/Queen (insert name) the Magnificent, Slayer of Dragons, Purveyor of Taxes, Lord of the Fridge and Master of all the Land”. Confirm that’s what you want her to call you and you’re done! Bam! When you wake up the next morning ask Siri what your name is. When she responds with some royalty babble about how rad you are you’ll wake up feeling great every day! ![]()
Facebook – Trolling People You Never See In Real Life
Facebook trolling could (and most likely will be) a blog on its own. I maybe talk to 16 people I’m Facebook ‘friends’ with on a regular basis. For the other 921 strangers there are few things you can do. 1) Go through their photos. Maybe like a photo album that’s 3 years old now. Find a photo you like and leave a message like “Wow, who’s the girl? Hook a brother up!” or “I remember that shirt from 9th grade lol”. Ignore the follow up comment/DM and repeat. I went through some of my old DM's and found some from 2012. Been trolling almost 4 years now! 2) Poking. Poke that bitch like it’s going out of style. If they poke back it’s weird. If they don’t poke back it’s still weird. Win/win. 3) Tag random people in other random people’s photos and enjoy the confusion. Similarly, post a weird picture like the front of hospital or a jail cell and tag random people. Endless fun.
So there you have it. Limitless fun in the palm of your hand.
Remember: A charged phone is a happy phone, and a happy phone is a happy (insert your name).
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![]() My name is Victor Salvatore Dellisola IV and I’m a nerd. If you know me, you already knew that. Growing up I was one of those hybrid nerds that enjoyed sports, breaking things and shooting bees nests with airsoft guns as much as burning a hole into my palm playing Mario Party or destroying the Final Four with Mew. Video games were life at one point, and to this day I’ve been known to binge play the shit out of some Xbox (*cough* Fallout, Skyrim, Witcher *cough*). We’re talking pee into a bottle so I don’t have to get up. There was always one gaming system that stood out to me. Nintendo 64. I mean look at the controller… it’s like three bananas trying to Megazord themselves together! ONE CONTROLLER TO RULE THEM ALL! And what… a button on the BACK?!?!? Whaaaaat! It was damn near perfect for baseball games as you had the C-Buttons laid out like a diamond. GLORIOUS! I remember 13-year-old Vic sitting about 3 inches away from the TV screen going blind as he whittled away hours of precious life with the likes of Ocarina of Time and Goldeneye. But the popular games weren’t all I played. Here are 4 N64 games I LOVED that were a little more on the obscure side. Jet Force Gemini – If you took Link out of the forest, gave him some laser guns and introduced characters from the likes of Alien, Star Wars, and Starship Troopers… you'd have Jet Force Gemini. Now it took a while for this game to grow on me, but once it did I was hooked. It’s a Rare game so you can expect great controls. Part shooter, part puzzle solving… it really has it all. The game was as hard as you made it. I remember blowing through it pretty fast, but if you’re a stickler for completing games 100% you’ll have a bit more of a challenge (and will most likely develop a seething hatred for the cute little fluffy crying dickbags known as ‘tribals’). The levels are HUGE A.F. and present some killer stretches. But, three playable characters, a huge arsenal, killer sound effects (cue Banjo-Kazooie garble), a Star Wars-inspired environment and nonstop action made this one a treasure in my collection. ![]() Ogre Battle 64 – This. Game. Rocked. My. Tits! I actually re-discovered it a few days ago and have picked it back up. For a system that didn’t have many RPG’s this might have been the cream of the crop. It was one of the first games that actually made me feel like I was part of the world. All of your decisions influence the way the game world views you and who will/won’t join your cause. Disclaimer: This game is NOT intuitive at all. I don’t even know how I did half of the things I did without the internet. Oh wait yeah I do, Prima’s official strategy guide! LOL. But once you pick up the basics, it’s a blast. HUGE amounts of customization, dragons, knights, castles… A medieval fantasy RPG-gasm. And since there’s no way to get every character or complete every mission in a single playthrough the game is just begging you to play it again. And again. Again again. Vic: “Ok OgreBattle64, that was great! Thanks for taking away 40 hours of my precious adolescent life! I will never forget you Prince Yumil! FOR THE REVOLUTION!” OgreBattle64: “Dude play me again. You didn’t get that werewolf guy and Dio bounced ‘cuz you wanted to fight him!” Vic: “Yeah but Smackdown is on and I have a science test tomorrow… I can’t I…” OgreBattle64: “Do it, you won’t. Screw the test and Stone Cold is hurt anyways.” Vic: “Yeah but…dude, ANOTHER 40 hours?!?!” OgreBattle64: “I’ll give you a siiiiiick random sword drop and a baby dragon on the first board!” Vic: “I love you.” OgreBattle64: “I know.” ![]() Vigilante 8: Second Offense – SAT test question: *Blank* is to N64 as Twisted Metal is to Playstation. Vigilante 8 YOOOOO! This was one of those mindless drive around and blow shit up games. Little plot. No real character development. A 1970’s funkadelic vibe. Just driving around in your vehicle of choice (for me the Mars rover thing driven by a monkey in a space suit). All sorts of neat attachments for your vehicles like water skis, guns n' rockets, special abilities unique to each car, catchy dumb music you catch yourself humming while trying not to fart during the sit and reach test in gym class. Yeah. That’s pretty much it. Mindless fun. Zombie mode activate. ![]() Conker’s Bad Fur Day: And the best for last… Sadly this game has gone missing from my collection. Conker is one of those games you remember exactly where you were and what was going on when shit went down. Like the OJ verdict or 'Force Awakens' trailer release. The first time I realized I could whip out my little squirrel shaft and literally piss on people/places/things I DIEEEEEED. I vividly remember a spit-take of Ecto Cooler all over my TV and surrounding soccer participation trophies. Pretty ballsy of Nintendo to release an ‘M’ rated game as they are usually super family friendly. This game was a puzzle-adventure game, what Banjo-Kazooie would be like if he did nothing but drink and trip on LSD. Parents hated me having it, I couldn’t get enough of it, and it is at least 90% responsible for my real-life character development. I don’t even want to talk about it too much because you should experience the majesty for yourself. Find it. Play it. Love it. #GreatMightyPoo Pre-show matches: Don’t care. I was just waiting for my pizza and that’s all I could think about. Ryback is still huge. Bubba talked shit. Tables. Cool for Brie (L8er Brie?). Nikki in a neck brace. Heroic stuff.
IC Ladder match: THE BEST match of the night was the first official match. They literally killed each other the whole time. I think Owens died and resurrected 3 times. Kudos to Zayn for pulling off some epic stuff after one of the best matches I’ve EVER SEEN the night before with Nakamura (Side Note: Holy shit Japan, thank you for Nakamura). Zayn is on fire, more Zayn plz. Miz took some heat and was Miz, Ziggler was Ziggler and Stardust had a freakin’ polka-dot ladder. Awesome that they gave a dude like Zack Ryder the belt. You could see he was genuinely stoked about it. Match was fun as shit. 9/10. Jericho vs Styles: Jericho is old and has a flat ass but a pretty good podcast, Styles is young(ish) and actually looks like he’s in shape. OK match overall, but definitely went on too long. Heel Jericho is the best Jericho. Kudos for AJ to sticking it out and at least giving a damn… he’s fun to watch. The wrong person won. So yeah. Guess we’ll just go ahead and bury Styles right out the gate… thanks Vince (not). 6/10. New Day vs. League of Nations: The best part of this match wasn’t even the match… It was the pre-match entrance and post-match shenanigans. There was literally a giant box of Booty O’s and the New Day came out dressed in Dragon Ball-Z outfits. I’ll admit, I lol’d. Other than that the match was fairly forgettable. Woods was in there way too long. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Sorry fell asleep… and when I woke up Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley, and STONE F’ING COLD were handing out stunners, sockos, and sweet chins! Rusev sold the stunner like a boss (I miss attitude era Rock getting stunned :( ) Time for beer! HELL YEAH! 5/10 (would have been 2/10 but am giving a point for each of the 3 legends). Ambrose vs Lesnar NO FAHKIN RULES GUY: DIS-AP-POINT-MENT (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)!!! Talk about overhyped. Ambrose made out with a barbed-wire bat he never connected with. Just no storytelling here. I kind of knew Brock wasn’t going to lose, but there should have been more ‘hope’ moments for Ambrose, moments where he’s fighting his a$$ off and looks like he can win… butttt there weren’t. Instead he tickled Lesnar with a few kendo sticks. There were some cool gimmicky moments, but I’ve taken a bigger beating just trying to ride the T during rush hour. Suplex-City 13? – Ambrose 0. 4/10 WWE !!!**Women’s Title**!!! Triple Threat: First off, great move by WWE replacing the ‘Divas’ title with the ‘Women’s Championship’ title, because now we actually have some ladies that can fahkin wrassle kehd! This match proved it, and in my opinion was the second best match of the night. I wasn’t a fan of the way the match ended (i.e. Ric Flair interference… AGAIN…) but I’m thinking WWE is building Charlotte to be a strong heel. Hmmm, I wonder why Bayley dropped her NXT belt the night before (wink, wink). Anyways the actual match was pretty good and Sasha and Becky would have made great champs had they won. The crowd was audibly into it. Everyone got the chance to pull off some killer moves (cue moonsault to the floor and a Guerrero-esque frog splash!) and they really busted their asses. WOOOOOOOO!!! 8/10 Hell in a Cell: Taker vs. Shane-O-Mac: Another overhyped match that was pretty much an old dude way past his prime against a dude who has wrestled mayyyyyybe once in the past 12 years? OK match nonetheless, fun to watch at least. So much for the MMA training eh Shane-O? No ‘real’ wrestling going on but a few great holy shit moments capped with Shane’s insane 20 foot plunge and flashbacks in my head to a ‘BAHH GAWWWDDD’ Jim Ross. Undertaker looks like an overcooked turkey, and Shane is a lunatic; Wait I already knew that before the match. I did get a good chuckle out of Shane trying to open a tool box for 5 minutes. Just a little confused as to why the hell Shane even came back if he ended up losing this match, but hopefully it will be addressed. See you next year Taker! 7/10. Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Why is Shaq here? Is that Tatanka?!? Oh sweet a DDP yoga plug… Oh no wait, he’s like 60 and actually wrestling I hope he doesn’t die. Oh cool that NXT guy won, that Corbin Dallas dude or whatever. Zzzzzzz. Zzzzzzz. Sorry, nodded off again. 2/10 Impromptu Rock vs Rowan: Rock comes out with what I though was t-shirt gun and nope it’s a flamethrower because fuck it, it’s the Rock. After an unnecessarily long reminder that a new attendance record has been broken, my inner child rejoices as Rocky trash talks and makes inbreeding/Hot PocketTM jokes and BAHHH MAHH GAAAWWWD HE’S GOT HIS WRESTLING TRUNKS ON! ROCK BOTTOM! 6 SECOND MATCH! YABBADOOOOOOO! CENA! CENA! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!?! IMPROMTU MATCH AKA JUST ROCK AND CENA HITTING FINISHING MOVES!!! WHERE AM I AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH WRESTLEMANIA?!?! Cena is back. If the Rock wasn’t such a charismatic son of a bitch this whole bit would have been awful. I liked that he ‘endorsed’ Wyatt before the ‘match’ though… Wyatt is kind of getting boned by WWE in my opinion. 5/10 (Again, would have been 3/10 but people’s elbow and incest jokes). WWE World Heavyweight Championship Reigns vs HHH: Aaaaaaand suck. After listening to Stephanie screech for 10 minutes HHH comes in with another classic skulls and Motorhead entrance (RIP Lemmy). Reigns punched the floor which I guess was strong enough to set off fireworks? Impressive! Want to know what’s not impressive?!? Roman Reigns. I am team Roman sucks. Physically the dude is a beast and he has the talent/looks down for sure, but he has the emotional capacity of a milk dud. Like, get angry bro…Triple HHH stole your title dude. In a job where expressing emotion and connecting with the fans through in-ring storytelling 80% of the pie, Roman is the summer intern who makes coffee runs and gets Splenda and milk when you said cream no sugar. Twice. The crowd audibly booed Reigns and cheered HHH which is the opposite of what WWE wanted us to be doing. Could we get some MORE superman punches I don’t think there were enough. Kind of funny hearing the fans boo Reigns as he celebrated his victory. I waited 6 hours for this?!? Downer. My only hope is Rollins comes back soon and clobbers Reigns. A HEEL Reigns Vince. HEEEEEEEL. 4/10. Overall Rating: Meh stars out of Ehhh. I think actually being at WM32 would have been great, the stadium is a spectacle in and of itself. Not bad for an injury riddled roster, but last year was better. Watch the IC Ladder match, the women’s match, and skip to the end to watch Stephanie get speared. 5/10. |
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