We've all seen them. Those uber-lame "motivational" posters with corny quotes that look something like this... Or this... Here's the thing about the internet. The internet will troll and manipulate ANYTHING and ANYONE. NO ONE IS SAFE! And motivational posters are no exception. Enter the "de-motivational' poster. Leaping Christ in a handbag... See what I mean? Now there's this whole sub-genre of de-motivational posters that involves posting lewd/funny/shocking rap lyrics on photos of beautiful scenery. And the results are HILARIOUS! The fusion of hip-hop culture and nature's best is truly a sight to behold (not to mention right in my wheelhouse of funny). So, here are a few I put together! Feel free to use them as your phone/desktop background. These are all 100% legit lyrics from real life rap songs. I looked them up. Future actually gets paid thousands and thousands of dollars to say "Alert, alert, alert, alert, alert, alert".
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Remember learning cursive penmanship in... what... 3rd grade? Letter after letter,
word after word until it was PERFECT. And I vividly recall using that special paper with all the guide lines on it... like training wheels for pencils. As the saying goes, "If you don't use it, you lose it". Other than my sginature, the last time I penned anything in cursive was the MCAS or my SATs circa 2003. My everyday signature is its own beast. Take a look.
Quick? Yes. Reproducible? Yes… to me. Cursive? Hardly.
Thus, I decided to test my cursive mettle and write out the cursive alphabet as best as I could from memory. Pinky promise I didn't cheat and look beforehand... wouldn't have been as good for content. Let's take a look at the whole shebang before we dive into the finer points...
Now here's what it should look like according to Google search "Traditional English cursive alphabet".
Not bad... not great. Let's break it down... DX style.
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First Row: Aka 'The D-saster'
It was going fine until I though the alphabet went ABCG instead of ABCD.
Second Row: A-H
Not too shabby. Might actually be my best row. Aside from some random subjective swirly swoopage on B, F, and H I think it looks pretty good. Tell you what though, I sat there thinking about C for a solid 2 minutes. It's so damn SIMPLE! No way is a cursive C that simple... has to be a random swirl somewhere. NOPE. If anything I over-did it.
Third Row: I to O like Idaho (no, YOU da ho!)
Not good. Left a hook off of I, uber-exaggerated swirls on K, L is too blocky. And Christ in a handbag what happened with M and N?!? How many humps does a camel have again? No excuse, I panicked. I don't have Parkinson's yet so I can't blame disease. My O looks like the start of a Clip-Art baby face.
Fourth Row: P-V Herman
Solid row. Pointy-ass V but I'll take it. Forgot the basket on the T like I did on the I, but again, I'll take that shit. This row is kind of like the team that makes the playoffs every year, but never wins the championship.
The Final Row: Dubya to Z
And one of life's great mysteries remains: How the F do you write a cursive Z. I feel you Billy. Rirruto.
So I.... errrr sorry, "Dr. Seuss" re-wrote Star Wars - A New Hope for an upcoming charity event. Check it out! Just keep in mind the good doctor may or may not have had a few beers/bong rips beforehand.
The Rebels hold fast,
while the Stormtroopers dock. The blast doors swing open, Vader's leading this flock! Plans for the Death Star, the Rebels have claimed. With a grimble and a grumble, Vader searches in vain. One droid, two droids. Red droids and blue droids. Red droid goes "SHWWWWWICKCKCKCK... BOOM!" "We'll take the blue droid." The little blue droid, by the name of R2-D2. "Message for you sir!" Beep boop wee woo! A female projection! A welcoming sight! "Help me Obi-Wan, we must win this fight!" ![]()
Night falls on Tatooine,
Luke ponders Obi-Wan, Little R2 was just here, But alas, he is gone! In search goes Luke, trailing all the droids features, "Oh no, Sand People! Such barbaric creatures!" Luke was now trapped, and C-3PO too, When all of a sudden... "WEEEEEAROOOOOOO!!!!" Ben Kenobi appears, to drive off the raiders. And as it trurns out, for Luke, a lightsaber! To Mos Eisley spaceport, our heroes will travel. What mystery and intrigue, will a future Jedi unravel?
A scuffle in a bar,
leads to a friendly encounter. But who shot first? Han did. Now stop talking about this shit. It's pretty obvious. The Falcon takes off, planet Alderaan in sight. Strange... Alderaan is nowhere to be found. Incoming TIES! Fight, fight, fight! The Princess looked on, as the Death Star fired. Alderaan blew to smithereens, to her chamber she retired. "That's no moon!" Explains Luke to the crew-y. "It's sucking us in!" says Han. "GGRRRAHHHHHHHHRAHAHAHAHA" says Chewie. The tractor beam pulls, and the Falcon resists. But its strength is too much, and the Falcon submits. ![]()
On board the Death star,
the Princess and a rescue! A trash compacter party, timely escape thanks to R2. They retreat to the Falcon, with jumps, leaps and bounds. But not all is well... For Obi-Wan is struck down! On the moon base of Yavin, the rebel forces meet as one. Chances of destroying the Death Star? Slim. Slim to none. An Achilles heel, the Rebels do discover. An exposed thermal port, through which a torpedo could hover. X-Wings and Y-Wings, all up in this bitch. They take to the sky, Luke's trigger finger doth itch.
At the Death Star they arrive,
an impossible mission. Led by Luke and R2, and an Obi-Wan vision. Against Red 5, the odds are stacked, Vader hot on his tail, there's no turning back! "Use the Force, Luke!" states Obi-Wan's calm tone. "You're all clear kid, let's blow this thing and go home!" The torpedo is launched, Luke holds his breath in anticipation. BOOMSHAKALAKA! Total. Death Star. Obliteration. Our Rebels win the day, in glee and bliss they run around! Yet Vader still lives, and Hoth is soon to be found... ![]() The Bachelor. The Real World. Jersey Shore. What do they all have in common? They all suck. If I'm going to watch TV it has to be something good. DAMN good. What's better than something fresh. Something hip. Something rad. Something that technically doesn't exist... YET. Gordon Ramsay: Life Coach Everyone's favorite angry British chef Gordon Ramsay shows up to random houses completely unnaounced and proceeds to tell the inhabitants not only how much they suck at cooking, but how much they suck at brushing their teeth, paying bills, getting ready for school, pooping, feeding the cats, raking leaves, raising children etc. etc. etc. Have Gordon follow them to work and yell at them all day... "This Q3 Product Review meeting is BORRRRINNNGGG!" "The cafeteria fridge smells like DONKEY PISS! The food is ROTTTTTEENNNNN!!!" "It's not 5:00 yet STEPHEN! Where the F*#% do you think you're going?!!" And when the abused get home and pour themselves some wine... Ramsay just smacks the glass out of their hand, reads their kids a violent/sexual bedtime story and peels out of the driveway in a Miata. Must watch television. Celebrity GoPro I'm FASCINATED by what people like Leo, Tay-tay and the Biebs do on a day-to-day basis. I mean sure their schedules are booked with making movies, global concert tours and other mundane things... but like do they ever just sit around playing video games, slaying some Taco Bell and farting? Here's an idea... strap a go-pro on them. Sure you can edit it for content...or not (HBO Late Night, how you doin?). But how INSANE would it be just to see what celebrities do over the course of a typical day. No chance in hell T-Swift pumps her own gas, let alone pay for anything, anywhere. Hell you could even introduce some sort of gambling... i.e. what's the over/under on how many strippers Lil Wayne makes it rain on? How many times does Drake text Rihanna in 24 hours? Maybe turn it into an episodic series, or just have a live 24 hour feed. The possibilities are endless. To Catch A Predator - Hosted by The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin TCAP was must watch television. The entertainment/creep factor was through DA ROOF! And Chris Hansen is a damn good host... such a cocky, smug bastard dropping fact bombs and chat logs... but he's not Rock and Austin good. Imagine all the dirty scumbag diddlers coming to the bait house only to find Rocky and 3:16 in the kitchen... Example transcript... Child Decoy - "I'm just drying my hair. Come on in, I'll be down in a minute. Help yourself to some lemonade!" The Pervert - "Well OK, sure was a long drive! Hey, where are you? I want to give you a hug!" *Rock enters from behind the curtain. The Rock - "FINALLY! THE DIDDLER! HAS COME BACK! TO THE DE-COY HOUSEEEE!" Pervert - "Uhhh, ummm... hello sir." *Austin enters from behind the curtain. Stone Cold - "Why don't you have a seat right on that stool there. Austin 3:16 says your ass just got BUSTED!" Pervert - "Wait I don't understand. I'm just here to meet a friend." Stone Cold - "Oh, a friend? Did you know your friend was an 11 year old girl? What were you planning on doing with your friend? Play gahd-damn TIDDLY-WINKS!?!" Pervert - "Well I was just going to..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "I was just..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "I ..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "My GPS was all messed up...Look I think I'm at the wrong..." The Rock - "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! The Rock says, The Great One and The Texas Rattlesnake are about to whip your monkey ass allllllll the way up and down Janbroni Drive! I'm going to take this expensive silverware... shine it up reallllll nice... turn them all sideways, and stick 'em straight up your CANDY ASS!" Pervert - "I'll just be going, I'm sorry it won't happen ever again I swear!" The Rock - "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa! Just BRING IT!" *The Rock rock-bottoms pervert through the dining room table. A dazed Pervert gathers himself and stands up only to be flipped off and stunnered by Stone Cold. Stone Cold pulls two beers out of the fridge and dumps them on a severely concussed pervert. Stone Cold's theme plays. End scene. It's ALIVE!!! We've all seen Jurassic Park right? The entire plot revolved around an island where scientists were able to bring dinosaurs out of extinction from old ass dino-DNA. Well damn the technology nowadays is getting there... so why not try this out?!?! Follow around groups of scientists while they try to bring extinct species back from the netherworld! I'm talking dinosaurs, dodo birds, Caribbean monk seals, those big ass dragonflies... the whole nine! There'd have to be some serious editing in post, as I'm sure the process would take years if not decades... but what else besides Lazer-Ball are you going to be watching in 2060? Zero to Hero Pick an average guy/girl of the street... the more depressing/feeble they are the better. Let's grab a few deaf orphans or something... Now, we set them up with the top experts in every super-heroey field. We'll teach them MMA/karate, espionage and communication, driving and piloting, criminal investigation, biology and psychology... and then we turn them loose on the streets to fight crime for real! COPS style! How awesome would it be to have a few camera guys follow around decked out superheroes as they zip around the city preventing weed deals and rescuing cats from trees? I'd tune in just to see what sort of crazy ass costumes and concepts they came up with... "LOOK OUT! It's Light Bulb Man and The Shadow Kid! Here to keep crime in the dark by shining a light on thieves and miscreants!" Hell I'd audition. Squad goals.
Those of you familiar with the T.V. variety show 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' (RIP in peace fat Drew Carey) are probably familiar with a game called 'scenes-from-a-hat'. Essentially, the host pulls a random audience suggested prompt from a hat and the actors act it out. Simple concept. Cacophonous hilarity ensues. Sometimes the prompt would read something like this... "Things you can say about (blank) but NOT your girlfriend". Just replace (blank) with car, dog, schoolwork etc. Ok... so now you see where I'm going with this... Well... If the prompt was 'Things you can say about your video games, but NOT your girlfriend' here are a few responses I'd spew out... - We should definitely give multiplayer a try. - Just give it a quick blow and jam it back in there. - What a waste of sixty dollars! - The visuals are amazing but the mechanics are terrible. - OR… It's a blast to play but nothing special to look at. - Do you want to try to beat it? - Booooooorinnnnggg. - I never thought I'd actually get this far! - Wow, buy one get one half off! - The console keeps scratching my disk. - Boom! Headshot, bitch! - Did you forget to turn the blood off? - There's way too much extra crap in your inventory. - This one's rated 'T' for 'Teen'. - Do you really want to fight the Demi-Gorgon with your wrist rocket? - This one isn't nearly as good as the first one.
- I'll need to get my hands on the official walkthrough to figure this out. - Grab the mushroom if you want to get bigger. - I don't have enough badges to control it yet. - I'm going to drill her with a turtle shell if I get close. What can YOU think of?!?! Great game to play at parties btw. |
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