The Bachelor. The Real World. Jersey Shore. What do they all have in common? They all suck. If I'm going to watch TV it has to be something good. DAMN good. What's better than something fresh. Something hip. Something rad. Something that technically doesn't exist... YET. Gordon Ramsay: Life Coach Everyone's favorite angry British chef Gordon Ramsay shows up to random houses completely unnaounced and proceeds to tell the inhabitants not only how much they suck at cooking, but how much they suck at brushing their teeth, paying bills, getting ready for school, pooping, feeding the cats, raking leaves, raising children etc. etc. etc. Have Gordon follow them to work and yell at them all day... "This Q3 Product Review meeting is BORRRRINNNGGG!" "The cafeteria fridge smells like DONKEY PISS! The food is ROTTTTTEENNNNN!!!" "It's not 5:00 yet STEPHEN! Where the F*#% do you think you're going?!!" And when the abused get home and pour themselves some wine... Ramsay just smacks the glass out of their hand, reads their kids a violent/sexual bedtime story and peels out of the driveway in a Miata. Must watch television. Celebrity GoPro I'm FASCINATED by what people like Leo, Tay-tay and the Biebs do on a day-to-day basis. I mean sure their schedules are booked with making movies, global concert tours and other mundane things... but like do they ever just sit around playing video games, slaying some Taco Bell and farting? Here's an idea... strap a go-pro on them. Sure you can edit it for content...or not (HBO Late Night, how you doin?). But how INSANE would it be just to see what celebrities do over the course of a typical day. No chance in hell T-Swift pumps her own gas, let alone pay for anything, anywhere. Hell you could even introduce some sort of gambling... i.e. what's the over/under on how many strippers Lil Wayne makes it rain on? How many times does Drake text Rihanna in 24 hours? Maybe turn it into an episodic series, or just have a live 24 hour feed. The possibilities are endless. To Catch A Predator - Hosted by The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin TCAP was must watch television. The entertainment/creep factor was through DA ROOF! And Chris Hansen is a damn good host... such a cocky, smug bastard dropping fact bombs and chat logs... but he's not Rock and Austin good. Imagine all the dirty scumbag diddlers coming to the bait house only to find Rocky and 3:16 in the kitchen... Example transcript... Child Decoy - "I'm just drying my hair. Come on in, I'll be down in a minute. Help yourself to some lemonade!" The Pervert - "Well OK, sure was a long drive! Hey, where are you? I want to give you a hug!" *Rock enters from behind the curtain. The Rock - "FINALLY! THE DIDDLER! HAS COME BACK! TO THE DE-COY HOUSEEEE!" Pervert - "Uhhh, ummm... hello sir." *Austin enters from behind the curtain. Stone Cold - "Why don't you have a seat right on that stool there. Austin 3:16 says your ass just got BUSTED!" Pervert - "Wait I don't understand. I'm just here to meet a friend." Stone Cold - "Oh, a friend? Did you know your friend was an 11 year old girl? What were you planning on doing with your friend? Play gahd-damn TIDDLY-WINKS!?!" Pervert - "Well I was just going to..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "I was just..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "I ..." Stone Cold - "WHAT?!?" Pervert - "My GPS was all messed up...Look I think I'm at the wrong..." The Rock - "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! The Rock says, The Great One and The Texas Rattlesnake are about to whip your monkey ass allllllll the way up and down Janbroni Drive! I'm going to take this expensive silverware... shine it up reallllll nice... turn them all sideways, and stick 'em straight up your CANDY ASS!" Pervert - "I'll just be going, I'm sorry it won't happen ever again I swear!" The Rock - "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa! Just BRING IT!" *The Rock rock-bottoms pervert through the dining room table. A dazed Pervert gathers himself and stands up only to be flipped off and stunnered by Stone Cold. Stone Cold pulls two beers out of the fridge and dumps them on a severely concussed pervert. Stone Cold's theme plays. End scene. It's ALIVE!!! We've all seen Jurassic Park right? The entire plot revolved around an island where scientists were able to bring dinosaurs out of extinction from old ass dino-DNA. Well damn the technology nowadays is getting there... so why not try this out?!?! Follow around groups of scientists while they try to bring extinct species back from the netherworld! I'm talking dinosaurs, dodo birds, Caribbean monk seals, those big ass dragonflies... the whole nine! There'd have to be some serious editing in post, as I'm sure the process would take years if not decades... but what else besides Lazer-Ball are you going to be watching in 2060? Zero to Hero Pick an average guy/girl of the street... the more depressing/feeble they are the better. Let's grab a few deaf orphans or something... Now, we set them up with the top experts in every super-heroey field. We'll teach them MMA/karate, espionage and communication, driving and piloting, criminal investigation, biology and psychology... and then we turn them loose on the streets to fight crime for real! COPS style! How awesome would it be to have a few camera guys follow around decked out superheroes as they zip around the city preventing weed deals and rescuing cats from trees? I'd tune in just to see what sort of crazy ass costumes and concepts they came up with... "LOOK OUT! It's Light Bulb Man and The Shadow Kid! Here to keep crime in the dark by shining a light on thieves and miscreants!" Hell I'd audition. Squad goals.
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