Pre-show matches: Don’t care. I was just waiting for my pizza and that’s all I could think about. Ryback is still huge. Bubba talked shit. Tables. Cool for Brie (L8er Brie?). Nikki in a neck brace. Heroic stuff.
IC Ladder match: THE BEST match of the night was the first official match. They literally killed each other the whole time. I think Owens died and resurrected 3 times. Kudos to Zayn for pulling off some epic stuff after one of the best matches I’ve EVER SEEN the night before with Nakamura (Side Note: Holy shit Japan, thank you for Nakamura). Zayn is on fire, more Zayn plz. Miz took some heat and was Miz, Ziggler was Ziggler and Stardust had a freakin’ polka-dot ladder. Awesome that they gave a dude like Zack Ryder the belt. You could see he was genuinely stoked about it. Match was fun as shit. 9/10. Jericho vs Styles: Jericho is old and has a flat ass but a pretty good podcast, Styles is young(ish) and actually looks like he’s in shape. OK match overall, but definitely went on too long. Heel Jericho is the best Jericho. Kudos for AJ to sticking it out and at least giving a damn… he’s fun to watch. The wrong person won. So yeah. Guess we’ll just go ahead and bury Styles right out the gate… thanks Vince (not). 6/10. New Day vs. League of Nations: The best part of this match wasn’t even the match… It was the pre-match entrance and post-match shenanigans. There was literally a giant box of Booty O’s and the New Day came out dressed in Dragon Ball-Z outfits. I’ll admit, I lol’d. Other than that the match was fairly forgettable. Woods was in there way too long. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Sorry fell asleep… and when I woke up Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley, and STONE F’ING COLD were handing out stunners, sockos, and sweet chins! Rusev sold the stunner like a boss (I miss attitude era Rock getting stunned :( ) Time for beer! HELL YEAH! 5/10 (would have been 2/10 but am giving a point for each of the 3 legends). Ambrose vs Lesnar NO FAHKIN RULES GUY: DIS-AP-POINT-MENT (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)!!! Talk about overhyped. Ambrose made out with a barbed-wire bat he never connected with. Just no storytelling here. I kind of knew Brock wasn’t going to lose, but there should have been more ‘hope’ moments for Ambrose, moments where he’s fighting his a$$ off and looks like he can win… butttt there weren’t. Instead he tickled Lesnar with a few kendo sticks. There were some cool gimmicky moments, but I’ve taken a bigger beating just trying to ride the T during rush hour. Suplex-City 13? – Ambrose 0. 4/10 WWE !!!**Women’s Title**!!! Triple Threat: First off, great move by WWE replacing the ‘Divas’ title with the ‘Women’s Championship’ title, because now we actually have some ladies that can fahkin wrassle kehd! This match proved it, and in my opinion was the second best match of the night. I wasn’t a fan of the way the match ended (i.e. Ric Flair interference… AGAIN…) but I’m thinking WWE is building Charlotte to be a strong heel. Hmmm, I wonder why Bayley dropped her NXT belt the night before (wink, wink). Anyways the actual match was pretty good and Sasha and Becky would have made great champs had they won. The crowd was audibly into it. Everyone got the chance to pull off some killer moves (cue moonsault to the floor and a Guerrero-esque frog splash!) and they really busted their asses. WOOOOOOOO!!! 8/10 Hell in a Cell: Taker vs. Shane-O-Mac: Another overhyped match that was pretty much an old dude way past his prime against a dude who has wrestled mayyyyyybe once in the past 12 years? OK match nonetheless, fun to watch at least. So much for the MMA training eh Shane-O? No ‘real’ wrestling going on but a few great holy shit moments capped with Shane’s insane 20 foot plunge and flashbacks in my head to a ‘BAHH GAWWWDDD’ Jim Ross. Undertaker looks like an overcooked turkey, and Shane is a lunatic; Wait I already knew that before the match. I did get a good chuckle out of Shane trying to open a tool box for 5 minutes. Just a little confused as to why the hell Shane even came back if he ended up losing this match, but hopefully it will be addressed. See you next year Taker! 7/10. Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Why is Shaq here? Is that Tatanka?!? Oh sweet a DDP yoga plug… Oh no wait, he’s like 60 and actually wrestling I hope he doesn’t die. Oh cool that NXT guy won, that Corbin Dallas dude or whatever. Zzzzzzz. Zzzzzzz. Sorry, nodded off again. 2/10 Impromptu Rock vs Rowan: Rock comes out with what I though was t-shirt gun and nope it’s a flamethrower because fuck it, it’s the Rock. After an unnecessarily long reminder that a new attendance record has been broken, my inner child rejoices as Rocky trash talks and makes inbreeding/Hot PocketTM jokes and BAHHH MAHH GAAAWWWD HE’S GOT HIS WRESTLING TRUNKS ON! ROCK BOTTOM! 6 SECOND MATCH! YABBADOOOOOOO! CENA! CENA! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!?! IMPROMTU MATCH AKA JUST ROCK AND CENA HITTING FINISHING MOVES!!! WHERE AM I AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH WRESTLEMANIA?!?! Cena is back. If the Rock wasn’t such a charismatic son of a bitch this whole bit would have been awful. I liked that he ‘endorsed’ Wyatt before the ‘match’ though… Wyatt is kind of getting boned by WWE in my opinion. 5/10 (Again, would have been 3/10 but people’s elbow and incest jokes). WWE World Heavyweight Championship Reigns vs HHH: Aaaaaaand suck. After listening to Stephanie screech for 10 minutes HHH comes in with another classic skulls and Motorhead entrance (RIP Lemmy). Reigns punched the floor which I guess was strong enough to set off fireworks? Impressive! Want to know what’s not impressive?!? Roman Reigns. I am team Roman sucks. Physically the dude is a beast and he has the talent/looks down for sure, but he has the emotional capacity of a milk dud. Like, get angry bro…Triple HHH stole your title dude. In a job where expressing emotion and connecting with the fans through in-ring storytelling 80% of the pie, Roman is the summer intern who makes coffee runs and gets Splenda and milk when you said cream no sugar. Twice. The crowd audibly booed Reigns and cheered HHH which is the opposite of what WWE wanted us to be doing. Could we get some MORE superman punches I don’t think there were enough. Kind of funny hearing the fans boo Reigns as he celebrated his victory. I waited 6 hours for this?!? Downer. My only hope is Rollins comes back soon and clobbers Reigns. A HEEL Reigns Vince. HEEEEEEEL. 4/10. Overall Rating: Meh stars out of Ehhh. I think actually being at WM32 would have been great, the stadium is a spectacle in and of itself. Not bad for an injury riddled roster, but last year was better. Watch the IC Ladder match, the women’s match, and skip to the end to watch Stephanie get speared. 5/10.
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