Smartphones are everywhere. People staring at smartphones are everywhere, completely oblivious to the world around them. You’ve probably checked your phone 12 times since you started reading this. Case in point. In a world where everyone is drowning amidst a sea of apps (aka iZombies, and a topic for another day), creeping on strangers, worrying about how many likes, retweets, shares, and follows they receive… it’s easy to see past the simple joys modern technology provides us right in the palm of our hands. Just grab your smart phone and let the giggle fits commence! How you ask? Let’s go to the tape…
Uber – Watching A Driver Make Wrong Turns.
The Uber app just on its own can provide seconds upon seconds of solid entertainment. Look at the little cars zip around! WEEEEEEEE! Oh cute they turned green for St. Patricks Day! TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA LADDIES! Provided you’re not in a rush, watching Uber drivers make wrong turns on their way to pick you up is hilarious. It’s like you are God watching down on these mere mortals via Google Maps: Christ Edition as they toil and ponder the meaning of life. Haha what a dumbass!!! Why did you go LEFT you MORON! It’s a ONE WAY! Have fun getting stuck in construction traffic for an extra 10 minutes lololololol!! Want to kick it up a notch? Here’s a fun game to play. It's called "Poor Route, Poor Driver". He takes a turn you don't like, or an inefficient route - CANCEL on his ass! Granted I have no idea if this affects your personal Uber score or if you still get charged somehow, but hey there's always Lyft! Live feed to your Uber driver... ![]() ![]()
Domino’s App - The Pizza Tracker
If you haven’t ordered a pizza online or on the app you don’t know what you’re missing. First of all you avoid any type of human interaction, which I love. But the joy of watching your precious pizza being created as the status bar fills from left to right; from the moment your pizza’s doughy crust is birthed from the womb of the mother crust is unparalleled. 9:00pm: I could go for some pizza, but I want a really weird combination of toppings and don’t want to talk to anyone because I’m embarrassed and they’d screw it up. I know! DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER! (Orders pizza with buff chix, pineapple, olives, anchovies, extra cheese and skittles). 9:15pm: Carlos put your pizza in the oven. OH MY GOD IT’S IN!!! 9:36pm: Carlos is now performing a quality check. Wow they really go the extra mile don’t they. 9:38pm: Your pizza is being prepared for delivery. 9:44pm: Amir is en route with your pizza. COME TO PAPA BABY! GET IN MY BELLY! 9:45pm: Refresh page. 9:46pm: Refresh page. 9:49pm: Refresh page. 9:50pm: Refresh page. 9:52pm: Refresh page. 9:55pm: Amir has delivered your Domino’s Pizza, enjoy! What? He hasn’t come yet! AMIR WHERE YOU AT?!? 9:56pm: *Ding, Dong* YEEEEEAAAAAAHSGDJSDGVGHSDFHGSD!!!!!! Also possibly cool is ordering pizza via emoji. Have not tried. Will confirm. ![]()
Text Messaging – ‘Read’ Notifications
Did your friend really not see/get your text? Or is he/she just ignoring you? Well, people who are dumb enough to leave the ‘delivered/read’ notifications on for their text messages are perfect targets for some good old fashioned trolling. After about the 10-minute mark of seeing that they read your message but haven’t responded, it is perfectly legal to start text bombing, emoji spamming… whatever. I see you read my message but have not responded. Here’s 500 poop emojis, one at time, every minute, on the minute. Get creative with it. Start texting as many swears as you can think of… make them up if you run out; just add ‘Mc’ to the beginning like McShitbutt or McBalls. Send them some links to your favorite adult websites/scenes. Send over some nudes, or a video of you humping their pillow or eating their leftovers. Text them something totally messed up like “Dude, I think you and I BOTH might have to get tested for herpes now!” *Bonus: They’re in a meeting. **Double Bonus: They have their phone on a table and someone else sees what you sent.
Siri – Making Her Refer To You as King/Queen/Master Etc.
As simple as it sounds. Pop open that app and go “Siri I want you to call me King/Queen (insert name) the Magnificent, Slayer of Dragons, Purveyor of Taxes, Lord of the Fridge and Master of all the Land”. Confirm that’s what you want her to call you and you’re done! Bam! When you wake up the next morning ask Siri what your name is. When she responds with some royalty babble about how rad you are you’ll wake up feeling great every day! ![]()
Facebook – Trolling People You Never See In Real Life
Facebook trolling could (and most likely will be) a blog on its own. I maybe talk to 16 people I’m Facebook ‘friends’ with on a regular basis. For the other 921 strangers there are few things you can do. 1) Go through their photos. Maybe like a photo album that’s 3 years old now. Find a photo you like and leave a message like “Wow, who’s the girl? Hook a brother up!” or “I remember that shirt from 9th grade lol”. Ignore the follow up comment/DM and repeat. I went through some of my old DM's and found some from 2012. Been trolling almost 4 years now! 2) Poking. Poke that bitch like it’s going out of style. If they poke back it’s weird. If they don’t poke back it’s still weird. Win/win. 3) Tag random people in other random people’s photos and enjoy the confusion. Similarly, post a weird picture like the front of hospital or a jail cell and tag random people. Endless fun.
So there you have it. Limitless fun in the palm of your hand.
Remember: A charged phone is a happy phone, and a happy phone is a happy (insert your name).
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