Here is my definitive list of "psycho-moves". What's a psycho-move you ask? Something so inherently strange and weird that merely performing the act puts you one step closer to clinically insanity. Ok, maybe not that drastic... but still pretty weird.
Drying Off In The Shower
The shower is where you go to get wet. Simple. If you were supposed to dry off in the shower, bath mats would not exist. Get your naked ass out of the shower and wipe yourself down over some nice fluffy fabric. This ain't prison. If it is prison, where to dry off post-shower should not be at the top of your 'concerns' list so skip to point number 2. For the rest of you dry-off-in-the-shower freaks, the bottom of your feet are never going to be completely dry unless you can hover mid-air like Dhalsim from Street Fighter #yogafire. Chances are high that you or someone else peed/farted/sharted/blew a snot rocket while they were showering earlier and you're just leaving your feet in there to marinate in a human goo farm. And if you're that intent on slipping and smashing your skull open while you try to dry off go for it. I'll just be out here not hemorrhaging brain juice.
Sock-shoe-sock-shoe
I mean come on. You're going to leave one foot completly exposed to the elements MUCH longer than it should be because you need to get the other one all nice and bundled up? That's insane. Would you do that to your kids? Both of them outside naked in a blizzard but you only take the time to dress one up to completion while the other freezes to death and weeps frozen tears of heartache? What if there was an emergency and some clown with a hacksaw started running at you. You need to BAIL yo! Much easier to run with only socks than one bare foot and one shoed foot... at least you're on an even keel. That's the difference between you and me... I plan for these kind of things.
Getting Completely Naked To Poop
Granted I get nervous wiping with long sleeves so I'll roll them up, but no chance am I stripping down to the b-day suit. Aside from the utter absurdity of it (especially in public restrooms) it's not practical since no matter what time of year it is your bathroom is always FREEZING cold. Unless you're part polar bear I don't see how being completely naked while dropping the Browns off is anything but pre-crime. Is there some part of our ancestral human DNA signaling us to poo in the buff? Do I lack this genetic code? AM I A MUTANT?!? "Yeah but cavemen shit naked so it's completely natural." Maybe, but cavemen are also dead now. Like all of them. ![]()
Eating Pizza Incorrectly
Let's establish a baseline; here is the correct way to eat pizza... Step 1: Remove slice from pie (implied if single slice purchased). Step 2: Holding pizza by the crust, enjoy pizza starting with the tip and working your way back (that's what she said). Step 3: Eat crust, or do not eat crust. Dip your crust in ranch dressing. Throw it out the window. Your choice. Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3 until you are satisfied with your lack of control. There you go people. If you want to get crazy with it and fold the pizza or stack multiple slices go for it... as long as you adhere to the key steps. Here are the ways in which I found out people 'enjoy' pizza and look like career criminals in the process. Crust First - You go through the hassle of ordering a pizza to your exact specifications and then spend the first few precious seconds starting with the part of the pizza that is least likely to be different from pizza to pizza both inter and intra-pizza shop?! It's like the people who eat 50 rolls and then complain that they're too full to eat their meals. Psycho stuff. 'Corn on the Cob' style - What's crazier than crust first? Corn on the cob style. Yes, I've heard MULTIPLE people tell me they eat it this way. It's exactly how it sounds. Start at the crust, work your way to the tip, rinse, and repeat. Like one of those old school typewriters. These people know how insane they look but do it regardless. Cray cray. With Fork And Knife - Only acceptable if you are under 24 months of age or English royalty. These my friends are the quiet type killers... slow... meticulous...plotting...overly-careful, nothing slips through the cracks, no evidence left behind. The 'Dexters' of pizza eating. Not Eating Pizza At All aka I Don't Like It - It's too late for you. You have left this mortal coil. Good luck in the afterlife. Tell Ledger I said "Suhhh dude". ![]()
Mouthing Someone's Words While They Speak
Leaping Christ in a pantsuit, just rip my face off and make a mask out of it already. Honorable Mention: People who try to finish your sentences before you do. ![]()
TV Volume Adjustments
There seems to be two main camps of psychosis when dealing with ears and televison: The volume can only be an even number... or if it has to follow a 'golden rule' (i.e. prime numbers only, multiples of 5 etc). Couple things. I have yet to find a TV that doesn't have odd numbered volume settings, so they clearly want to be used but you're choosing to not use them. You're number racist. I don't like racists. Others may argue that those who enjoy the random mathematical equation method of volume selection lean more on the intellectual side of the fence as opposed to psychotic side... like a boob-tube Rainman of sorts. Me? I just think they're show offs. "OH LOOK AT ME I KNOW MATH AND STUFF!" Boasting leads to hate, hate lead to anger, anger leads to pre-crime, pre-crime... leads to the ball pit at Chuck E' Cheese. Enjoy that volume on prime numbers only kiddie-diddler.
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