Strap yourself in for what WWE is deeming “The Greatest Money in the Bank EVER!!” That’s a bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it plays out for them.
Can I just say up front, Renee Young is slowly creeping her way onto my ‘Top 10 Girls I’d Never Have A Chance With’ list. She’s the perfect mix of kinda weird and adorable. Corey Graves either needs to fire his stylist or choke on a chicken bone. Also, WWE commentators shouldn’t be referring to certain matches as ‘WrestleMania worthy’. What does that make the other matches… average turds? EVERY match should be WrestleMania worthy! Don’t you want your superstars to be busting their butts all the time, even mid-Smackdown?!
Preshow - BreezeDango vs The Golden Truth
NO ONE CAAAA-RRRRESSS *clap clap clap-clap-clap* This was uncomfortable to watch. I mean really with the fake sunburns. Breeze and ‘Dango looked like the lovechildren of Toucan Sam and a leper. Watching pimple popping videos on YouTube is more fun. Whoever is responsible for this storyline needs to be fired and exiled to Antarctica with nothing but a granola bar and a wool sock. Score: 2/10
Preshow - Lucha Dragons vs Dudley Boys
Listening to Bubba talk shit in the ring never gets old. But the quote of the match goes to the commentator that yelled "GAME OF THRONES AIN'T THE ONLY SHOW WITH FLYING DRAGONS!" Gosh even they know 95% of their viewers will be tuning out from 9-10 to watch the Battle of the Bastards. A few cool moves from Kalisto… but just your typical pre-show match. Nothing to see here. Move along… move along. Score: 3.5/10
Fatal 4 Way Championship Tag Team Match: Enzo & Big Cass v. The New Day v. The Club v. The Vaudevillains
What in the actual shit does Gotch use to keep his hair from moving. Straight up road tar?! +100 Smack talk points for The New Day. The Chewbacca noises made me legit LOL. A decent match to kick off the main show, with some interesting dynamics due to the match type. All sorts of plots and sub plots flying around. Got a kick out of the spot where all the wrestlers were in the ring at the same time punching each other in the face for 15 seconds. Buuuuttt, this match wasn’t without its fair share of botches. I'm 99% sure the ref counted to 3 by accident when Enzo pinned Anderson… WHOOPSIES! Makes me think that this is all rigged and planed in advance. Oh and Kofi picked up the win by pinning Aiden English who was not the legal man. Yikes. The New Day retains the tag belts. I would have been cool with anyone except The Vaudevillains winning really. My guess is they want things to remain relatively unchanged in the tag division until the brand split? Whatever… CUE THE BIG E DANCE! Score: 7/10
Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler
Wait how is this not a pre-show "Who can come out with greasier hair" match? I don't understand the Baron ‘Balding Dough-Gut’ Corbin hype. Not a fan. Gunna blame Vince and his ever-raging boner for ex-athletes and dudes over 6’5”. The match even got a solid ‘BOOOOORING’ chant from the crowd. I’ll be downstairs making a sandwich… Previous WWE Production Meeting Vince: Anyone feel like getting their ass kicked by Corbin today? *Ziggler raises his hand. Vince: Anybody?! Anyone?! *Ziggler raises both hands. Vince: COME ON THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE! *Ziggler raises both hands jumping up and down "OOOO OOOO ME ME ME!" Vince: *Facepalm* Not again… Score: 4/10
Women's Tag Match - Charlotte & Dana Brooke vs. Natalya & Becky Lynch
FINALLY… A CHARLOTTE MATCH WITHOUT RIC FLAIR INTERFERENCE! WOOOOOOO! That’s cool, but honestly it was just an OK match. Not bad, but not great. I really don’t understand the out-of-nowhere heel turn by Natty at the end. Poor writing in my opinion, it made zero sense. Becky Lynch getting pummeled again for something that wasn’t even her fault. I expected more from you ladies. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Score: 5.5/10
Apollo Crews vs. Sheamus
The streak of averageness continues with another singles match that could have easily been transferred to the pre-show. On the bright side, the WWE didn’t bury Crews by having Sheamus win. At least they are putting new, exciting ‘new era’ talent over. Crews is super athletic and awesome to watch when he is ‘on’ and not standing up in the middle of a Chris Jericho lionsault (video below). Speaking of lionsaults… pretty sweet moonsault by Crews off the apron to a sprawled out Sheamus on the floor below. However, super-weak finish for a guy as athletically gifted as Crews. I mean a roll-up… really?! Especially on a big strong dude like Sheamus, it just doesn’t fit. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! Score: 5/10
AJ Styles v. John Cena
Finally, an awesome match! Granted it got off to a slow start with both superstars playing off the crowd and waging a bit of psychological warfare, AJ Styles remains one of the best in the business at what he does. This guy turns puppy turds into gold-plated puppy turds. It’s like he can’t have a bad match… They’re average at worst. AJ dominated the match, working body parts (Cena’s calf after the calf-crusher) and playing the role of superhero… slipping out of 32897823 attitude adjustments and reversing/rebounding every time Cena tried to grab a hold of him. Even Cena had the crowd on his side a few times, kicking out of a Styles clash and surviving phenomenal forearms. It really stressed the fact that AJ and Cena are the best of the best, which I thought was good storytelling. But holy hell Cena, I literally heard 75% of the spots you were calling… inside voice John, inside voice! As far of the finish, I was bummed AJ didn’t win cleanly over Cena, but if WWE is really trying to go full heel with AJ and the Club, interference (despite signing the NON-interference contract) was the right move. Part of me was hoping AJ would be furious with the Club for interfering and return to being a clear babyface, but he seemed cool with it. Heel AJ it is. Score: 8.5/10
MITB Ladder Match – Chris Jericho v. Alberto Doritos v. Sami Zayn v. Kevin Owens v. Cesaro v. Dean ‘Jeans’ Ambrose
And the award for best match of the night goes to… Once again a match involving KO, Zayn, and several ladders gets my vote for best match of the pay-per-view. I even enjoyed the Owens interview/smack-talk sesh at the beginning of the show. “First of all, you need a breath-mint.” LOLZZZZ. This ‘intercontinental division’ has been on FIRE lately. How Zayn doesn’t have a title strapped around his waist by now is BEYOND me. PAY THAT MAN HIS MONEY! These superstars tore the house down. Yep, even Del Rio. They killed each other! Sick spots everywhere. All 6 dudes punching the shit out of each other atop a tower of ladders at the same time. Owens smashing Zayn onto a suspended ladder and Zayn somehow not breaking every bone in his back. At one point I thought Cesaro broke his skull when Del Rio threw him into a ladder he set up to stick out of the turnbuckle. Jesus. Imagine if this match was 15 years ago and blood was allowed. Jeans Ambrose smashes Owens off the ladder a few times and grabs the briefcase! THE CROWD GOES WILD! Although I was secretly pulling for Zayn, Ambrose deserves to be Mr. Money. Crazy good stuff all around here. Score: 9.5/10
U.S. Championship - Titus O’Neil v. Rusev
‘Hey O'Neil children, come watch your dad get his ass beat and tap out to a giant Bulgarian on FATHER’S DAY!’ Best part of the match was watching O’Neil's son slap Rusev in the tit post-match. Rusev retains. *YAWN* Happy Father’s Day!!! Score: 4/10 Lana Score: 9.9/10
WWE Championship – Seth Rollins v. Roman Reigns
And who says the WWE doesn’t give the people what they want (actually, pretty much everyone). To their credit, Vince and the boys delivered the goods. Great match and a round of applause for Seth’s right knee... welcome back old chap. Good to see Roman fight with some anger and get pissed off for once. I’m telling you he’d be an all-time awesome heel if he just fully embraced it. You had refs getting knocked out, Reigns pushing Rollin’s around and playing the big-brute card, Rollins with an awesome pedigree snagging Reigns right out of the air mid-spear… oh but that suplex into a falcon arrow Rollins pulled off was pure #wrestlingporn. Rollins is a BEAST. Main event worthy match through and through. A clean win for Rollins! And after 7 months on the sidelines he has reclaimed his WWE Championship! Woooo! I wonder if Ambrose… AND IT’S DEAN AMBROSE BLINDSIDING ROLLINS WITH THE BRIEFCASE. He cashes in, hits Rollins with dirty deeds and BAM! AMBROSE IS THE WWE CHAMPION! Excellent, if not predictable. If Ambrose loses the title on Raw tonight I’m moving to Canada. Two title changes in a span of 2 minutes. Finally Vince grows a set of balls and strips Reigns of the title. Sets up a triple threat match between Jeans Ambrose, Reigns and Rollins beautifully. Good on WWE for catering to the fans for once. Score: 9/10
Not the one from MITB... but still siqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq.
Overall, MITB '16 had two, maybe 3 outstanding matches and then several average to below average matches. In my opinion it didn’t live up to all of the pre-show “greatest MITB ever” hype, but it wasn’t bad. Ending on a mega-positive note left me feeling pretty good about the next few weeks. Interested to see how the brand split will play out.
All hail the King of the Jeans.
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