I'm not a tech guy. I have no idea if any of the following applications are "do-able", "realistic" or "worth-a-shit"... but I'm here to suggest them nonetheless. If you happen to know a tech guy and want to go in on any of these with me I'm game. There's a fat piece of equity in it for you. Helllooooo Shark Tank.
Find My Sock
This problem has existed since washing machines were invented, and I don’t know how this isn’t a thing yet. Basically it works like ‘Find My iPhone’, except find my sock. I lose a sock EVERY time I do laundry. Literally every time. I could put 20 pairs of red socks into the wash and end up with 15 pairs of blue socks and a balled-up receipt from bar I was at last night. Not with this app. Every time you get a new pair of socks you snap a picture of it with this bad boy to register them in the system. It will assign your socks a matching code to keep tabs on it. Right sock -223432234A and left sock – 223432234B. Oh you just did laundry and lost a sock? “SHIT SONOFABITCH WHERE IS 22343224A?!?!?” Just fire up the app and follow the radar pings until you find it. Warm…Warmer… WARMER… HOT… HOTTTERRR! BINGO! It’s 2016 for Christ’s sake. We can launch missiles up a terrorist anus from 20 miles away but we can’t find our socks?
Auto Right/Left Swipe
Tinder. Bumble. Grindr. Thrindr. Quintindr. Milfs4Dilfs. Save your finger the trouble of having to constantly swipe one way or the other. Unless of course you want to rig up some sort of Pee-Wee Herman pancake flipping contraption to do the job, save your precious phalanges and a little bit of time. Depending on your mood/gender/level of intoxication this could be a great way to multitask… just set it to ‘swipe right’ when you’re 8 deep at the bar so you can get back to incoherently babbling about how you don’t use dating apps because they’re creepy and weird and no ‘normal’ people use them. Ahhh, but what if you get a match? Can’t keep swiping if you get a match… you usually have to select ‘continue’ or ‘start chatting’ or something. Don’t worry, I've got you covered. You won’t even have to take your phone out of your pocket. Two foot taps for continue swiping, three for stop and let me take a look. Nailed it. Just can’t use it on any dangly-foot roller coasters.
Drunk Food Delivery
It’s 1:00am, you’re disturbingly drunk, and STARVING. You’ve never been this hungry in your life. You’d eat your first born if you could get past the legal issues. Thinking back to more innocent times, I’ve always enjoyed a good old fashioned picture book. Like one or two words MAX per page. Dr. Seuss style. When I’m drunk and hungry the last thing I want to do is try and order a pizza by actually speaking to another human being. I also don’t want to order anything online and have to fill out 4 pages of bullshit, type in a bunch of credit card numbers/order details and then triple confirm everything. Hassle-city. Here’s the idea. You open up and app and it’s just one screen with a bunch of bright, colorful pictures of food. Pizza, burgers, ice cream, you name it. Just click on the picture of the food you want and it’s on its way to your mouth. Done. Just pre-select a bunch of restaurants/food you like and it’s delivered to wherever you are. Like Uber for food. No need to tip, the money is automatically withdrawn from your account. I understand certain places are now allowing you to send them an emoji via text to order food. I question the integrity of any restaurant that accepts emoji’s as bond. Might as well start sending gun emoji’s to 9-1-1 when there’s a robbery.
Nearest Open Bathroom Locator
Pretty self-explanatory. Nowadays most stores and shops keep their bathrooms locked up tighter than a virgin hamster. When you’re out and about and the brownies begin their final decent to your b-hole, every second is precious. Why waste time ducking in and out of random coffee shops ordering donuts just to get the bathroom key when you could have a phone app plot you a GPS-mapped course straight to the nearest crapper? Maybe even include a ‘cleanliness-index’ to avoid shit-covered port-a-potties. Worst case scenario it directs you to the nearest alleyway and assesses the probability of being arrested and registered as a sex offender. It almost might be worth the risk. Hopefully with said app, we can prevent situations like this...
Spoiler Prevention App
The premise is simple. You enter a bunch of keywords or search terms and the app will remove any articles/clickbait titles/Facebook posts/memes etc. that contains those words. For example, an avid Game of Thrones watcher might enter the terms… “Game of Thrones” “Dead” “Dies” “Killed” “Incest” “Murdered” “Slaughtered” “Dismembered” “Embowled” “Beheaded” “Stabbed” “Dragons” “Fire” “Shame *ding* Shame *ding* Shame” … the list goes on. Sure it might be easy to just say ‘block all Game of Thrones content’… but the trolls always find a way around it. Sneaking GOT spoilers into Batman memes or Tinder (Yes, TINDER). Perhaps we just need a dedicated police/task force to hunt down spoilers and confront them. Kind of like Dateline: To Catch a Predator, but swap out the child-molesters for spoilers/trolls. Keep Chris Hansen though. **Post-Google update: Seems like there are some forms of this app already hovering around on the interwebz, but nothing seems to work very well. This application/computer software update needs to be perfected and distributed ASAP. We’re talking call the National Guard, round up the whirly-birds and air drop updated electronics across the grid. Shit, I’ll help.
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